Ted Haggard says that he now realizes that he’s completely heterosexual. Guess he’s just one of those complete heterosexuals who likes to get in on with guys occasionally.

Don’t mess with Chewbacca.

And now for something completely different: a four-year-old boy who kills chickens by screaming:

A villager was quoted as saying the little boy bent over the henhouse window, screaming for a long time, after being scared by the dog.

“One neighbour told police that he had heard the boy’s crying that afternoon and another villager confirmed the boy screaming by the henhouse window,” the newspaper said.

A court ruled the boy’s screaming was “the only unexpected abnormal sound” and that 443 chickens trampled each other to death in fear.

This is one of the dumbest things I’ve read in a long time:

The investigation determined that Hill and Duque had not been drinking before their fatal dive. One of their untrained tenders reported having one beer, while another reported drinking three beforehand.

“The problem here was that the recreational activity was taking place at the same time as an operational activity that involves risk and specialized training,” Wurster said.

“It was the combination of the two things that lends an air to the whole accident event,” he said.

The Healy was sailing through the Arctic with about 35 scientists to collect data that would help them map the ocean floor. Hill was the ship’s dive officer, as well as the liaison between the scientists and the crew.

As is generally the case in these things, everything went wrong, and just one thing going right would have saved them. How could a ship’s dive officer be so stupid as to overload with unjettisonable weights? At least, unless they were on a mix, they probably narced out pretty quickly at that depth and temperature, at which point they were feeling no pain.

A Navy sub got pulled into the bottom of a speeding oil tanker in the Straight of Hormuz:

That is the preliminary finding of Monday’s collision between the Norfolk-based submarine and the Mogamigawa, a 1,100-foot-long merchant ship displacing 300,000 tons.

Both were southbound, crossing the busy and narrow Strait of Hormuz while heading into the Arabian Sea.

“As the ship passed over the sub, it ended up sucking the submarine into it,” said Lt. Cmdr. Chris Loundermon, a spokesman for Submarine Force in Norfolk.

“It is a principle called the venturi effect,” he said.

I’ll bet the sub skipper’s got a lot of ‘splaining to do.

Boy, he must have really wanted the job.

On the second anniversary of the tsunami in south Asia, they get another scare.

This is one h0rny woman:

A 29-year-old woman allegedly forged documents and assumed the identity of an Annapolis attorney, apparently for the sole purpose of having sex with an inmate at a Baltimore prison.

Fortunately, she didn’t take anyone with her. Behold, a woman who killed herself putting on makeup behind the wheel:

“There was makeup all over the air bag,” said a police source.

Open containers of cosmetics also were found in the front seat, the source said.

Perez was driving a 2005 black Mitsubishi northbound on the parkway about 7 a.m. when she veered off the road by a bend where the Henry Hudson turns into the Saw Mill River Parkway, police said.

Alone in the car and not wearing a seatbelt, Perez careened over 200 feet of grass before hitting a tree, authorities said.

I suspect that she raised the average IQ of New York City, and the rest of the world, too. Not sure whether it rates a Darwin, though, it doesn’t say whether or not she’d bred.

Here’s a weird case. A man is refusing to have a bullet removed from his head, because it may help convict him of the crime in which he allegedly received it. It’s certainly a novel legal theory by his lawyers, but given the precedence of breathalizers and having to pee in a cup, I don’t think they have a legal leg to stand on.