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« Bad News For Kerry | Main | Off To Mojave »

So That's What He Meant

It seems to be a work in progress--the HTML is crude, and the scoring isn't working correctly on the "Coalition" question yet (what do you expect from a UN project?), but I think I've found the Global Test that John Kerry was talking about the other night.

[Update at 5:30 PM EDT]

For those into sixties nostalgia, Iowahawk has dredged up a long-lost script of that old western, Johnny Nuance. I'll bet that guy could have passed the Global Test blindfolded, and with one treaty tied behind his back.

[Sunday afternoon update]

The scoring seems to be working properly on the coalition-building portion of the test now.

Posted by Rand Simberg at October 02, 2004 11:37 AM
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Examen Mondial
Excerpt: Rand Simberg has found a copy of the "Global Test" for foreign policy activity. <Via InstaPunfit>...
Weblog: Ipse Dixit
Tracked: October 2, 2004 03:10 PM
Excerpt: All hail Rand Simberg and his Global Test. Now, if only I could find a way to pass it....
Weblog: Pejmanesque
Tracked: October 2, 2004 03:18 PM
The Global Test.
Excerpt: Rand Simberg has found it. I failed, by the way...
Weblog: On The Third Hand
Tracked: October 2, 2004 03:39 PM
The Global Test
Excerpt: Go here for the Kerry's Global Test. Hat tip to Instapundit for finding it at Transterrestrial Musings. As for me: We're sorry, but your score of -2900 is not sufficiently high to justify your imperialistic foreign adventure. You will be
Weblog: PiratesCove
Tracked: October 2, 2004 03:43 PM
High Five!
Excerpt: I failed Rand Simberg's Global Test:We're sorry, but your score of -2490 is not sufficiently high to justify your imperialistic foreign adventure. You will be billed for this test, and you may take it again, by pressing the "Repeat Test"...
Weblog: Feste...a foolsblog
Tracked: October 2, 2004 04:55 PM
The Official Global Test
Excerpt: I saw this posted on LGF and I couldnít help but to laugh so hard, I spewed my French white wine all over the screen. This is an absolute must-see. In fact, Iím going to permalink it on the side of my blog somewhere.
Weblog: Shining full plate and a good broadsword
Tracked: October 2, 2004 07:40 PM
The Global Test
Excerpt: Finally, we've been able to get our hands on the Global Test that Kerry mentioned in the debate.
Weblog: House Of The Dog
Tracked: October 2, 2004 07:55 PM
KERRY: "It has to pass the 'global' test . . ."
Excerpt: BUSH: "Let me -- I'm not exactly sure what you mean, "passes the global test," you take preemptive action if you pass a global test. "My attitude is you take preemptive action in order to protect the American people, that...
Weblog: Confessions of a Jesus Phreak
Tracked: October 3, 2004 05:48 PM
Passing the global test
Excerpt: No illegitimate wars - for liberation, for security, or any grand strategic reason - without passing the global test....
Weblog: PS
Tracked: October 17, 2004 07:53 AM
The Official Global Test
Excerpt: I saw this posted on LGF and I couldn’t help but to laugh so hard, I spewed my French white wine all over the screen. This is an absolute must-see. In fact, I’m going to permalink it on the side of my blog somewhere. The Official Global Tes...
Weblog: Shining full plate and a good broadsword
Tracked: February 16, 2006 01:47 AM

Oh, my sides split.

The "treaties" section should probably be tick-boxes not buttons; as it is you can only choose one.

Posted by Andrew Gray at October 2, 2004 12:36 PM

Well, you can choose them all...

The programming gets to be much more of a pain with checkboxes. That's why I don't have the scoring set up for the coalition question.

Posted by Rand Simberg at October 2, 2004 12:39 PM

You forgot the last question, after you fail the global test. Do you a) comply with world opinion (1000 pts) b) proceed anyway (-200 pts) c) bomb UN HQ (-1000 pts).

Posted by anon at October 2, 2004 12:54 PM

Oh, bravo!

Posted by Mark Whittington at October 2, 2004 12:55 PM

I really must protest!

Once I've selected the correct language, I expect nothing less than complete conversion. The 'Congratulations, you're French!' page should therefore be in The International Language of Diplomacy. Anything less is a slur on the historied hono...screw it.

At least we're essentially done with French scientific journals. Nothing worse than someone completely apoplectic over a "misspelling" of a jargon term in a French sentence that happens to be the correct English spelling.

Posted by Al at October 2, 2004 01:52 PM

Good grief...

It's scary because it is so close to reality.

Thank god Kerry will never be president.

Posted by JohnD at October 2, 2004 02:51 PM

All your tests are belong to us!

Posted by dagogo redux at October 2, 2004 03:22 PM

I took the test and found one little flaw. As an Arab nation desiring to push the Zionists into the sea I am still not authorized to start a war. I even speak French and promise to give all contracts to France and her allies.

What's a Palestinian to do?

Posted by Duane at October 2, 2004 03:27 PM

Darn, -2900 points. Can I earn more negative credit by forcing the UN to move to Haiti?

Posted by William Teach at October 2, 2004 03:37 PM

So true it's scary. Try to imagine where this world would be without us... either all Nazis or all communists.

A thank you once in a while would be nice.


Posted by Kevin at October 2, 2004 03:39 PM

That is so close to true it's scary...

Posted by Kathy K at October 2, 2004 03:44 PM

I protest! I am an employee of the United Nations in New York City and I demand that any kickbacks to French, German and Russian companies be matched pro-rata by payments to individual UN experts such as myself. Also, I demand that all of my parking tickets be cancelled (oh, that's already happened, okay, thanks). Also, I demand that after the Zionist entity is pushed into the sea and the UN officially take title to all of the evil Zionist technology.

Posted by Ghimmi Mohmahni at October 2, 2004 03:54 PM

It's an instant classic sure to prove once again how little sense of humor our European friends have if you can find some to share it with ;-)

I think you ought to note that being a Democrat and advocating military action is worth +1000 points and being a Republican gets you dinged for -1000 points.

Posted by BillC at October 2, 2004 04:04 PM


We don't need to steekin' U.N.

Posted by Pearl at October 2, 2004 04:05 PM


Posted by doc at October 2, 2004 04:07 PM

Only thingy wierder is kerry him self

Posted by drm1 at October 2, 2004 04:10 PM

We won't let foreign nations have veto power over issues American security, unless that nation is China and the issue is North Korea.

Posted by James R. Bath at October 2, 2004 04:29 PM

From the test: "Disarm megalomaniacal dictator with WMD (will need to submit authenticated proof--CIA or MI6 documents will not be acceptable)"

From the NYT: "In 2002, at a crucial juncture on the path to war, senior members of the Bush administration gave a series of speeches and interviews in which they asserted that Saddam Hussein was rebuilding his nuclear weapons program... Ms. Rice's alarming description on CNN was in keeping with the administration's overall treatment of the tubes. Senior administration officials repeatedly failed to fully disclose the contrary views of America's leading nuclear scientists, The Times found. They sometimes overstated even the most dire intelligence assessments of the tubes, yet minimized or rejected the strong doubts of their own experts. They worried privately that the nuclear case was weak, but expressed sober certitude in public..."

If those CIA or MI6 reports are not acceptable, perhaps it's because of actions like those.

More about the "global test" here.

Posted by The Lonewacko Blog at October 2, 2004 04:38 PM

I feel that there should be a couple of additional questions added, nuke faluja (sp) -5000 and wipe any terrorist hideout flat. Oh that was my pave the middle east and give the food contracts to mcdonalds, burger king, jack in the box and taco bell speach. great test

Posted by Merlin at October 2, 2004 04:49 PM

I promised my readers that when the Global Test was found I would bring it to them. Thank you for assisting me keep my promise!

Posted by editor at October 2, 2004 05:02 PM

Brilliant idea, to do this and put it on the web.

I think it might be too wordy for Republicans to understand, though.

Should take off the "no questions asked" qualification on the Kyoto treaty.

Over all I give the idea an A, but the implementation a C-. It's OK, but could be improved.

Posted by Candy A. Rice at October 2, 2004 05:23 PM

Good thing I flunked. I was going to invade Turtle Bay.

Posted by Mitch at October 2, 2004 05:42 PM

That's way too good. My new favorite of the day...

Last one was Postcards From The Campaign Trail"

it's pretty good as well, and he seems ot be adding new ones fairly often.

Posted by Jason at October 2, 2004 05:53 PM


Now John "Global Test" Kerry will have something to look forward to after his defeat: endless rounds of "Global Test" on your website. He's probably calling Al Gore right now to thank him for inventing the internet!

Posted by a noble vision at October 2, 2004 06:23 PM


Now I understand his position(s)(s)(s)

Posted by ondryland at October 2, 2004 07:11 PM

And I stayed home and studied for this.
And failed anyway!

Posted by momma at October 2, 2004 07:18 PM

Pardon my French, but F--kem all! Or, as was noted, I believe in Mobile Bay once upon a time, "Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead"; alternatively, how about "You may fire when ready, Gridley" (Manila Bay?). Hope I didn't switch these.

Posted by Wayne Stinnett at October 2, 2004 07:20 PM

Absofuckinglutely brilliant. :)

Pinged and permalinked on my own blog. This is a keeper. :)

Posted by Banagor at October 2, 2004 07:42 PM

Brilliant Test
My personal score -2490
Sadly I fell a bit short.

Posted by Seymour Migdale at October 2, 2004 07:53 PM

And I'm praying Allah that Kerry's manicure will still look pretty when President Bush busts his ass on Nov. 2

Posted by Frank_mtl at October 2, 2004 08:01 PM

What everyone else said. So true it's scary.

But if you're an Arab nation (or Palestinian) trying to destroy Israel you should at least get a few hundred of general council resolutions in your favor. The "your score is not enough" page isn't nuanced enough.

Posted by Joshua Scholar at October 2, 2004 08:43 PM

Don't show the points. It kills the suspense.

Posted by Chris at October 2, 2004 09:11 PM

Well done!

Puts a lot of reality into simple perspective. You want it done right? Well, why the H#(( did you come to the UN?

Posted by carridine at October 2, 2004 09:31 PM

-2690 !! Darn it, I've been beaten by William Teach.

What did I do wrong?!? Where was the option to convert the U.N. into a titty bar?!?

In case you hadn't noticed, I'm banging my shoe on the screen!

Posted by zeppenwolf at October 2, 2004 09:31 PM



Posted by Barbara Skolaut at October 2, 2004 09:39 PM

I'm John Kerry and deserve (as any spoiled child would) a discount. If not for me the UN would have been sent from NYC to So Africa. Besides-- I gave you the US military to abuse as you wish while the US taxpayers take care of all costs. The UN General now owns 7 countries due to my efforts. France owns Canada, you are welcome. Iran owns the US, you are welcome guys. Now- Threasa will give you $900 million if you just forget I wanted to run and hide as usual. Its cold in Siberia and the Russians are mad I did not give them the US...

Posted by John R at October 2, 2004 09:59 PM

You dumkopf, I not fail. I go anyway. I need dat oil.

Posted by Peter Juge at October 2, 2004 11:41 PM

glob∑al ( P ) Pronunciation Key (glbl)
1. Having the shape of a globe; spherical.
2. Of, relating to, or involving the entire earth; worldwide: global war; global monetary policies.
3. Comprehensive; total: ďa... global, generalized sense of lossĒ (Maggie Scarf).
4. Computer Science. Of or relating to an entire program, document, or file.

Posted by Jacob B. Schumaker at October 3, 2004 12:14 AM

It seems that in the interests of the betterment of America I have seriously failed this global test...I lost all of my money , But America is still safe ...

John Kerry would have passed it with flying colors , just think of all the money in points he would recieve ?
America would surely suffer as a result.

So much for Kerry's ridiculous ideas of a global test .

It would be the only test where every other nation on earth get's to pass on the basis of it's own greed and ambitions over the backs of good hard working Americans , and democracy .

You did a very Good Job here !

Posted by The Duke at October 3, 2004 01:40 AM

Senior administration officials repeatedly failed to fully disclose the contrary views of America's leading nuclear scientists,

And why the Administration have done so? These weren't opinions based on evidence. These weren't positions based on research. They weren't considered statements by experts in the appropriate fields.

What those 'contrary views' consisted of was political statements based on bias.

Posted by Derek L. at October 3, 2004 02:09 AM


Posted by Richard F. Miles at October 3, 2004 03:56 AM

This is GREAT!!!

Posted by Paula at October 3, 2004 05:23 AM

This is GREAT!!!

Posted by Paula at October 3, 2004 05:23 AM

brilliant. :)

where's the option that asks if you think:

a) it's ok to cry for an international coalition if you are going to rebuild a nation after taking out its evil dictator, and if you also think it's ok to demand that we NOT use a coalition to dialogue with North Korea -- a nation we know to have WMDs. (+1000)

b) it's ok to deport or otherwise humanely relocate known terrorists from peaceful nations to places where they are more accepted. (-1000)

c) double-standards, especially in politics, are bad. (-1500)

Posted by threat hunter at October 3, 2004 05:24 AM

We're sorry, but your score of 1210 is not sufficiently high to justify your imperialistic foreign adventure.
We apologize for the inconvenience, but with luck, you may get approval within a decade.

Posted by Josh at October 3, 2004 05:45 AM

My score was + or- -3000.

I demand a recount!!

Posted by Jemima at October 3, 2004 06:06 AM

Whooo, paid my 1 Billion for a retake, and got to -3900! Does this mean I can launch unilateral attacks on France? I wonder if German troops are available for garrision work? France will give the Germans a good reference for that capability.

Posted by William Teach at October 3, 2004 06:51 AM

I don't need your approval! I want that oil and I intend to take it! Get in my way, you UN pantywaists, and I'll nuke you to kingdom come!

Posted by Saddam at October 3, 2004 06:59 AM

Funny, the global test doesn't seem to permit me to wage World War II (at least, not as the US). It's apparently worth 0 points (and that's if I look French, and speak French, but I have to make a few assumptions about FDR...).

Posted by dave at October 3, 2004 07:01 AM

I scored -3100. Would have been better (worse) (there's a flip-flop) but I speak French. I could have lied but that's what the Left does. Not bad for a former lifelong Lefty, huh?

Posted by Peg C. at October 3, 2004 07:36 AM

MINUS 2800!!!!!!!!!

How could I flunk??? I crammed all night reading
"The New Soldier".

Posted by Paulie at October 3, 2004 07:40 AM

W00T! I scored 4300!!

Still too low to conduct an imperialistic foreign adventure, though. I suspect this test sets the bar too high for Kerry.

Posted by RebeccaH at October 3, 2004 08:40 AM

This test is rigged, man. I scored -3900!

Hilarious cuz it's grounded in truth.

Posted by Helen at October 3, 2004 08:47 AM

Hey Y'all--

Not bad, you lil trannies. I scored a -3800. Better than I did on my GRE's, but not as good as those poker games.

Momma liked it, too.

Keep up the good work.

Posted by George W(ashington) at October 3, 2004 09:21 AM

Ditto. Simply brilliant, and a ton of laughs. Thank you.

Posted by Isshi at October 3, 2004 09:28 AM

Is it really required to speak French? Most of my dictator and despot friends don't. As I spent 19 months in Korea in the Army, I do speak some pidgin Korean. Will that help.

Posted by Spook at October 3, 2004 09:32 AM

I answered all the questions according to Bush... and got
-3500. But then I didn't need this test to tell me what I already knew.

Posted by fpoet at October 3, 2004 09:32 AM

This global test is so close to what Kerry would go for that it is scary.
Personally I think we "The United States" should abandon this defunct organization, called the U.N. and move on setting higher and more worthy goals for ourselves.
Our fore fathers didn't ask for permission to create this nation. They had , had enough and said we aren't gonna take it anymore.

Posted by Phil Schouviller at October 3, 2004 09:41 AM

During the cold war, there were two sides and we knew who our opponent was. In todays global political climate, the lines aren't so clearly drawn. Weapons of mass destruction in the hands of rogue nations and accessible to terrorists are a greater threat than ever.
We live in a world where we are expected to be "The Referee"
"The problem solver" , "The go to guy" . But we are not expected to stand up for ourselves. But how much are we really responsible for?
We are owed more than any other nation in the world. We have forgiven more. We have certainly turned the other cheek. We rebuild
where we have torn down and leave conditions better than we find them.


Phil Schouviller

Posted by Phil Schouviller at October 3, 2004 09:56 AM

I think wearing a beret and being a member of a political party derived from French Nazis should be worth some points... otherwise, how could the poor Iraqi surpreme commander (retired) invade Kuwait?

Posted by ken anthony at October 3, 2004 10:00 AM

Hilarious, but don't expose your CGI script like that ;) You let an adversary do all sorts of nasty things, like kick his score up to a zillion and verify that you aren't actually doing any checking of the data. Minimally, check that the referer tag is from your server.

Patrick McKenzie

Posted by Patrick McKenzie at October 3, 2004 10:03 AM


Posted by clicki Oliver at October 3, 2004 10:06 AM

Laugh it up libs. You have been an embarrassment not only to the US but to the world in general for the last 20 years or so. And you wonder why the "world" allegedly hates the US? What part in this have YOU played? You libs have been posting treasonous comments for years now and it is indeed added to the problems that the US now faces. It is YOU who have divided this country between right and wrong as much as you have between good and evil. Your indecent and immoral behavior and lifestyles that you promote constantly are proof of this. We have an enemy who has started a war against us in '93, declared it verbally in '95. They mean to kill all of us in due time. What have you done to thwart their attempts? You have basically authorized the enemies actions by affectionately calling them "Freedom Fighters" and comparing them to "Minutemen!" I do not remember the "Minuteman" killing hundreds of thousands of innocents, now including children in schools, or children receiving candy do you?

You are reminisent of France during WWII! And yet you call yourselves American because you simply abuse YOUR right to act this way, amazing. Simply amazing!

Posted by Fed Up at October 3, 2004 10:13 AM

Looks like Cheater Kerry had the answer sheet to the 'Global Test' during the debate!

Cheater, cheater, cheater!

Posted by Mike Puckett at October 3, 2004 12:15 PM

The choices are biased and incomplete. Their major fault is that they require a definitive answer and cannot be responded to in a Kerr-adequate manner. Suggest that each question list an additional choice: "All, any, some, or none of the above, for the moment, but maybe not later (subject to the next summit's decision).

Posted by Won Dampchin at October 3, 2004 12:37 PM

Try - another funny game. Flip flop olympics.

Posted by texasredtop at October 3, 2004 12:52 PM

Hey no fair!!! I REALLY tried hard to win. And you still wouldn't let me pass. You're just mean. After all the nice things I said about you during the campaign. (Sulk)

Posted by Lt jg JFK at October 3, 2004 01:03 PM


I got -6300 but I had to bribe and coerce myself! The world will never be the same!

Posted by Syl at October 3, 2004 01:06 PM

This satire is eerily immersed in truth.If Kerry had run and won, in 2000, he`d still have his finger in the air, checking wind-velocity of world opinion,since 9/11.I bet he wouldn`t have even engaged Afghanistan by this time!This man won`t become commander and chief.Those millions of Korean and Vietnam war vets won`t let it happen!

Posted by Steve D at October 3, 2004 01:10 PM

"Disarm megalomaniacal dictator with WMD (will need to submit authenticated proof--CIA or MI6 documents will not be acceptable) (100 points)"

Yeah, those stupid French. Why didn't they take our evidence as proof of Iraqi WMD? Well, I guess we proved them wrong.... oh, wait, no we didn't.

Posted by doubledare at October 3, 2004 01:39 PM

-3800!!! Looking like a monkey apparently pushed me over the edge....

Posted by kj at October 3, 2004 01:42 PM

Hysterically funny...but awfully sad, since it is so close to Monsieur Kerry's reality. PS You really SHOULD have a French version of this. It might turn some idiot Enarque anti-American heads around. I've actually lived and worked there....

Posted by lawrence franko at October 3, 2004 02:27 PM

Fabulous job, but I'm with Lawrence Franko on the lack of an actual French version. I imagine Dissident Frogman or Bill of MerdeinFrance--whose French is better than most natives'--would have been happy to oblige.

Posted by John Van Laer at October 3, 2004 03:18 PM

Boycott France.

Posted by EC at October 3, 2004 03:50 PM

Too close for comfort! Suggest you all read "Inside The Asylum--Why The United Nations and Old Europe Are Worse Than You Think," 2004, by Jed Babbin, Former Secretary of Defense. Or at least Kerry should read it--and all of the Leftys who think the "Global Test" is the way to go.

Posted by at October 3, 2004 04:20 PM

I think approval by the editorial boards of the New York Times, Washington Post and Reuters should each be worth a coupla hundred points. Aproval by Fox News has got to be -500 or so.

Posted by BrooklynJon at October 3, 2004 04:33 PM

"Our fore fathers didn't ask for permission to create this nation. They had , had enough and said we aren't gonna take it anymore.
Phil Schouviller at October 3, 2004 09:41 AM"
Actually--check out the Declaration of Independence, written to show "a decent respect for the opinion of mankind." If the U.S. expected to take an equal place among the civilized nations of mankind, the founders expained, they should show that "decent respect." (Kerry's "global test," as I see it, is a poorly chosen synonym for that.

Posted by American Farmer at October 3, 2004 06:03 PM

Every one talks about the missing WMD's.
I wonder if anybody has connected the fact that the biggest WMD in Iraq was Saddam Hussein himself.another(Wild Mad Dictator)who exterminated thousand of his own people and Iranians as well,whoever thinks this scum bag should still be in power is deluding himself. I will not reveal my score as it was almost offscale

Posted by D.Zimmerman at October 3, 2004 06:26 PM

"the illegitimate and racist state of Israel"

I was really enjoying and amused by this until I saw that line.

Calling Israel illegitimate, a nation whose founding was ordered and supported by both the United Nations AND the USA, who has had to defend itself from many, many unjustified wars from its neighbors Jordan, Syria, Egypt, Lebanon... which has succeeded in keeping its strength, in having a national identity, in making significant and world-class progress in culture, technology, medicine, etc, in growing, in having a highly diverse and educated population.. that is complete and utter garbage.

Also, to call it a racist state is by far a misleading and untrue statement. Israelis are not racist. Zionism is not racism.

I am saddened by that statement and well, I do not think I shall be passing on this link as I had intended to until I saw that.

Posted by Maya J. at October 3, 2004 06:27 PM

Maya J.:

It was ment to be sarcastic... with the UN suppose to be supporting democracy and human rights and such. But nevermind that, Cuba and Libya are there to defend your rights!

Posted by John Q. Public at October 3, 2004 06:42 PM

Farmer -- no, that's not a "global test." The Founders expressed themselves, then went ahead and did what they deemed necessary without letting the rest of the world say "No, you can't do that" (which is precisely what the rest of the world in those days would have said, y'know).

That's just what America did in the Iraqi Campaign of the GWOT. If that were what Kerry meant by "global test," he wouldn't be running against Bush now.

Well, except for that whole "I'm John Kerry and it's my birthright dammit" thing...

Posted by McGehee at October 3, 2004 07:26 PM

This is so wonderful and so true - I love it.

Posted by Greg at October 3, 2004 07:49 PM

Too funny but too close to reality.Makes as much sense as the pseudo intellectual Bush-hating libs' rants and cliches.
Did not realize how easy it was to quantify stupidity.

Posted by Andy at October 3, 2004 08:17 PM

I was wondering what Kerry was talking about when he meant passing the "Global Test".

Posted by SoS at October 3, 2004 08:38 PM

Actually, I look like a baboon. In spite of the fact that baboons are frequently and erroneously referred to as monkeys, I believe that the additional choice of "baboon" could have affected my final score of -3700. Please make a note of it.

Posted by Mark in Mexico at October 3, 2004 10:01 PM

I transcended your imbecilic global test facilely. Please accord me to elucidate it was an impoverished and unfertile endeavor at levity.

Posted by John Kerry at October 3, 2004 11:15 PM

You know .... I thought my "Bomb Saddam" game, that was based on a simple, 'winning is impossible' script was good but, now that I see this .... I realize it was REALLY GOOD!

Posted by Bozo at October 4, 2004 01:02 AM

Unusual to see anything funny coming from USA's right wing... this was a bit labored, though.

Posted by anon at October 4, 2004 02:28 AM

When applied this test frames the problem and the solution. The supporters of "testing" will become the supporters of worlwide tyranny. It will serve them right.

Posted by Dick Mansuetto at October 4, 2004 04:20 AM

Absolutely brilliant! I took that test and came out with a score of something like -3000. Have forwarded it on to all my fellow right-wing conspirators.

Posted by Mad Minerva at October 4, 2004 05:29 AM

Funny! I had a -4600! I'm just not Kofi material!

Posted by Mark at October 4, 2004 06:11 AM

Thanks for making me laugh...and cry at the same time

Posted by terri at October 4, 2004 06:40 AM

The Global Test?
It's called reality.


It's clear from Kerry's first sentence that the "global test" doesn't prevent unilateral action to protect ourselves. But notice what else Kerry says. The test includes convincing "your countrymen" that your reasons are clear and sound. Kerry isn't just talking about satisfying France. He's talking about satisfying Ohio. He's talking about you.

What do you have in common with a Frenchman? Look again at Kerry's words. He says the test is to "prove" that our reasons for attacking were legitimate. In the next sentence, he gives an example of someone failing that test: Colin Powell's February 2003 presentation to the United Nations about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. What did Powell apologize for? The inaccuracy of our intelligence. Kerry contrasts this with the trust France once placed in American spy photos.

Proof, intelligence, spy photos. The pattern is obvious. The test isn't moral. It's factual. What you and the Frenchman share is the evidence of your senses. The global test is the measurement of the president's assertions against the real world, the world you and I can see.

This is the test Bush has failed. He has failed to produce evidence for his prewar claims of Iraqi WMD and operational ties to al-Qaida, or for his postwar claims of success against the insurgency. Now he's going further. He's not simply failing the test. He's refusing to take it.


"My opponent says we didnít have any allies in this war. Whatís he say to Tony Blair? Whatís he say to Alexander Kwasniewski of Poland?"
GWB, first presidential debate, 2004

"I feel uncomfortable due to the fact that we were misled with the information on weapons of mass destruction."
President Aleksander Kwasniewski of Poland, March 18, 2004

Posted by Canute at October 4, 2004 07:01 AM

this test is seriously flawed by asking yes/no either/or questions I had 2600, even Cheney could do worse tomorrow, if he even tries to be honest

Posted by at October 4, 2004 07:50 AM

this test is seriously flawed by asking yes/no either/or questions I had 2600, even Cheney could do worse tomorrow, if he even tries to be honest

Posted by at October 4, 2004 07:51 AM

this test is seriously flawed by asking yes/no either/or questions I had 2600, even Cheney could do worse tomorrow, if he even tries to be honest

Posted by at October 4, 2004 07:51 AM

Posted by ian brodie aka the laird at October 4, 2004 07:52 AM

RISLMAO---Make IT STOP, the pain, the tears, the sand, the heat....when I can breathe and see(again) I have GOT to go back thru this... u made my otherwise "groundhog day" in the sand box...

Posted by The Man behind the Curtain at October 4, 2004 08:59 AM

It's funny as the test went on, how I preferred to look like a monkey rather than French.

Posted by Starbuck7 at October 4, 2004 11:24 AM

Must have changed a few things, managed a -7900! Well, no matter how negative the score is, I am still an Imperialistic GOP Extremist, with delusions of world domination and control of all oil, who promotes chain restraunts and Targets on Third Word countries. And, to top it all off, I plan on building the most evil of all places of business, Chucky Cheese's, to replace all Mosques! oh, and Starbucks!

Posted by Wiiliam Teach at October 4, 2004 01:07 PM

There should definately be a question for ... do you intend to use nuclear weapons to resolve this conflict ?

Posted by Brandon at October 4, 2004 02:26 PM

Fine piece of work. And anyone who is a friend of Iowahawk is a friend of mine. Hope you get a million hits; you deserve it.

John / Billybob

Posted by John Arnor at October 4, 2004 02:39 PM

Does anyone have a copy of the answers? I would hate to have to grease Koffi.

Posted by sackofcatfood at October 4, 2004 02:55 PM

-5100 IAW (In Accordance With) Bush Doctrine!!!!! Not enough Q,s on "ethical behavior" and "multi-culturalism"

Posted by at October 4, 2004 03:20 PM

-5100 IAW (In Accordance With) Bush Doctrine!!!!! Not enough Q,s on "ethical behavior" and "multi-culturalism"

Posted by at October 4, 2004 03:20 PM

7200 for Saddam Hussein, and he still failed!!!
Got to love it!

Posted by at October 4, 2004 03:22 PM

I am both for this survey and against it.
-John Fitzgerald Kerry

Posted by at October 4, 2004 03:59 PM

On the Global Test, regarding signing a treaty there was no mention of the worldwide gun ban treaty (the one the United Nations has waiting in the wings for a Left Wing controlled Senate and Oval Office that they are hoping will be signed on to by the United States in2006) Notice the Democrats have yet to mention their famous "Gun Safety" Laws during this Presidential Election?

Posted by Gary Conner at October 4, 2004 04:16 PM

Hard to believe that you beat out two hundred million other sperm.

Posted by Bleen Fjornston at October 4, 2004 05:22 PM

This is BRILLIANT!!!

Keep up the good work (and, for God's sake, we have GOT to stop this zero-programming robot named Senator Kerry)!!!

I'm pretty damn sure that my ancestors didn't serve in the military, work hard for the American Dream, and teach their children how to behave and get along well with others so that U.S. sovereignty can be signed over to the freaking UNITED NATIONS...

GO GET 'EM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by Andrew Rowell at October 4, 2004 06:37 PM

-8100. I must be doing something wrong. I'm suing you! What's wrong with speaking Texican?!

Posted by John Kerry at October 4, 2004 07:14 PM

This test was hard. It is really hard work taking this test.

Posted by Colleen at October 4, 2004 08:07 PM

Brilliant. Simply brilliant. I (thank God) failed miserably. I have forwarded the $i billion in cash to the UN.


Posted by Melvin at October 4, 2004 08:10 PM

When he recently motored across Boston Harbor, is it a stretch for Senator 57 Varieties, this latter-day Walter Mitty, to be likened to General MacArthur
when he "returned"? We all know what happened when a plain spoken President took him apart much later on. Can we expect any less from GWB this coming Friday night?
One thing for sure is that Kerry is neither a close copy of J.F. Kennedy nor of John Bulkley of "They Were Expendable" fame. Now pose the question of who the real John Kerry is and suggest Benedict Arnold reicarnated and you have hit a home run. In that regard, he is the same traitorous John Kerry of 33 years ago and has no real values or sense of honor -- a totally disgusting male person!
You know what he can do with his global test...

Posted by C, Edward Lukens at October 4, 2004 08:11 PM

Too his credit Benedict Arnold came to regret being a trator. He had his family dress him in his Contenental Army uniform for burial. Also he was a legitament war hero with years of faithful service not four months of questionable service. He was maimed in service of his country and treated like dirt by an unappreciative Congress. J. F. Kerry show us your scars.

Posted by Double E at October 4, 2004 08:47 PM

Dear Transterrestrial,

I took the test twice. I actually passed the test before I failed it. I tried very hard to let my answers reflect my nuanced way of thinking, but on most of the questions, you couldn't give more than one answer at a time. No matter. This test is now seared, seared in my memory.

P.S. Just a note about your typeface. It looked absolutely primitive. Does Dan Rather know you fellows are in business? Maybe he could direct a little work your way....

Jeff Schallert

Posted by Jeff Schallert at October 4, 2004 09:36 PM

I hate my dad, Starbucks, Halliburton, Bush and now this test!

Posted by anon at October 5, 2004 05:37 AM

Awesome test (-6900).

Posted by bunny K at October 5, 2004 12:10 PM

Yeah, your not being jerks by saying "illegitimate and racist state of Israel" or anything. That's a totally fair thing to say. ALL the Israelis MUST be racist and illegitimate. What bullshit. Let's look at the Coran (Oh, I spelled it wrong. I'm a jerk) which states that it's OK TO KILL ALL INFIDELS?!?! Are you implying that because you are looking out for the Islamic world community, do you think they hate you any less? Keep thinking that. Religion is bad.

Posted by Zionist Oppressor at October 5, 2004 01:53 PM

Yeah, your not being jerks by saying "illegitimate and racist state of Israel" or anything. That's a totally fair thing to say. ALL the Israelis MUST be racist and illegitimate. What bullshit.

Ummm...have you ever heard of the concept of sarcasm, and satire? Almost everyone else seemed to get the joke.

Posted by Rand Simberg at October 5, 2004 02:02 PM

From Texas, where a woman is taught how to use a gun with accuracy, and still be a lady... (that last part is something Ms. Heinz should learn).
What a GREAT TEST!!!! To make it comfortable for Kerry fans, you should have some answers that start with "When I'm President, I'ng gunna..." What is that anyway, Bostonian Ebonics?

Posted by TexasBelle4732 at October 5, 2004 03:01 PM

This is completely unrealistic.

I could understand the instructions and questions and it produced a result.

Also, at no point did anyone try to bribe me or anyone I was working with or attempt to espouse Marxist doctrine

Posted by GW Crawford at October 5, 2004 08:41 PM

Took the test and found out that I was an unappreciated and unauthorized warmongering imperialistic running dog Yankee. As a good ole Southern Boy and Texan, I resent being called a Yankee.

Seriously, this is too too close to the truth. While I applaud and appreciate the humanitarian work of the UN, their attempts to establish a world government based on the US Treasury are unneeded and unwanted.

Paul Garner

Posted by Paul Garner at October 6, 2004 09:11 AM

That's funny.... sadly it's probably believible to certain countries who are members of the U.N.

Posted by Joe Liston at October 6, 2004 03:11 PM

What a bunch of fucking dittoheads...

Posted by Annoyed at October 6, 2004 05:21 PM

The Global test is one of the funniest thing I have ever read. I cracked up all through the test. :) I scored a -3800 so I can't partake in my IMPERIALIST war but hey we all can't be the FRENCH with free reign across the globe. :)

Posted by RandomNY at October 6, 2004 08:04 PM

This is Fantastic!!!

Posted by at October 7, 2004 05:13 AM

Just put it in black and white for these people so they understand. -6900 I'd rather be a monkey than French I guess, I would probably throw my shit at the French if I were a monkey. Later.

Posted by TEXICAN at October 7, 2004 12:26 PM

Well, maybe the U.S. can't invade Canada, but France can...

Posted by Ontario Emperor at October 7, 2004 01:19 PM

Welp, we hereabout surround your little ol' facility, and we ain't gonna let you leave, nor nuthin come in thar.

Posted by at October 7, 2004 02:29 PM

This made my day! I'm honored to have scored -51oo.

Posted by Elizabeth at October 7, 2004 04:29 PM

Well, I took your test and it was hard work. Forget about my score: We are determined to succeed, and we are working very hard at it. Rightly so, since it is such hard work.

But what's the matter? Didn't you like the way we trampled the UN? That was hard work too! But it's ok. A commander in chief should work hard, expecially if he happens to look like a monkey and speak Texican. The more you work hard, the more you preserve. And it is right for a president to preserve, because a president's job is to preserve. Even if it's hard work.

Did I say "preserve"? Of course I meant "persevere". Didn't I? Can somebody help me with this ear-piece? It doesn't seem to be working.

Meanwhile, Mister Web Site Designer, if you are really interested in contributing something, I think you should run a survey where your readers decide which country we should destroy next.

Did I say "destroy"? I meant to say "rebuild". Well, it wasn't my fault. My earpiece still isn't working. And besides, nothing is my fault, because I am the commander in chief and it is hard work and if you are not with me then you are with the terraces.

Did I say "terraces"? I meant to say "terrists". That's not my fault either; I think my battery pack is getting weak. Oh well. No wonder it's such hard work. That's the nature of catastrophic success.

Did I say "catastrophic success"? I did, didn't I? Well that's ok. War is Peace. Ignorance is Strength. Success is Catastrophic. And your President is a Genius who Deserves your Support.

That's right, isn't it? That's what I was told to say, wasn't it? Oh this damned ear-piece...

Posted by 43 at October 7, 2004 07:18 PM

Gee, "43" (aka "Anonymous Coward"). Did we hit a nerve?

Posted by Rand Simberg at October 7, 2004 07:42 PM

-6900...What's scary is that there are enough Kerry supporters to vote him in after they vote early and often. Even if the majority of Americans suppport Bush, the voter fraud fix is already set, and every vote will indeed be counted. Even the duplicates and the non-US citizens. How else can a 6% lead in the polls on election eve evaporate the next day, as in 2000?

Posted by Dave at October 7, 2004 08:11 PM

I think that we should drill for natural
gas in the house and senate. The surplus
should last us through to the next ice age.

Posted by Yuri Nador at October 8, 2004 08:57 AM

I am honored and proud to say that I scored -6100 on this test, and blew away all the homos who scored in the -2100 range. Obviously, yer not Texans!
What a great test! It's so funny.

Posted by Foxglove at October 8, 2004 12:00 PM

I am honored and proud to say that I scored -6100 on this test, and blew away all the homos who scored in the -2100 range. Obviously, yer not Texans!
What a great test! It's so funny.

Posted by at October 8, 2004 12:00 PM

Kerry is wrong for America!

Posted by Taylor at October 8, 2004 09:32 PM

Great test! Being a MASS hole, I can tell you all what a big nothing Kerry has been for my state as a senator. I would much rather have a common touch in the White House than Kerry, a pompous bag of crap.

Posted by Matt D at October 9, 2004 02:49 PM

Hey! What happened? I got rid of a terrible dictator, I discovered WMD, and I helped Israel! So how come I got a score of -150,000 and John Kerry is still on my ass?

What the fuck is wrong with this fucking country that a dickwad like Kerry has even a minute chance of being elected President?


Posted by Andy Johnson at October 9, 2004 06:21 PM

Imperialism good!
Diplomacy bad!

Two legs good!
Four legs bad!

Your test is double-plus good, thank you!

Posted by Jake at October 11, 2004 02:58 PM

You left-wing yahoos have your head so far up your ass, you lost sight of what common sense really is. WATCH OUT!!! come this November, you're gonna realize that you have another 4 year slap of common sense coming your way, that'll surly screw all of you up!

Posted by Mike at October 11, 2004 05:42 PM


Posted by Mike at October 11, 2004 05:44 PM

LOL John Kerry should provide the link to this site on his web site, that way we can better understand what he means by a "Global Test." Maybe he should also come up with a test that measures how much of a "nuisance" a terrorist attack would be! This guy is a joke! Vote Bush/Cheney on November 2nd!

Posted by Chris Wills at October 12, 2004 12:10 PM


Posted by Kerry at October 12, 2004 04:14 PM

Gracious Heavenly Father, Help Us. Amen

Posted by at October 13, 2004 11:14 AM

who ever made this is fucking gay

Posted by at October 13, 2004 11:51 PM

Man, I can't wait until Bush is President, Annointed by Alighty God. Then we can start Cleansing this Nation, Our Bastion of Freedom, from those Commies-In-Hiding, those so-called Democrats. And we should also Cleanse the Centerists, too, lest they be Tempted by Liberalism.

Can you possibly imagine what Our World will be like after the DemocRats are declared Enemy Combatants and Eliminated?

Only after 75% of the Nation's populace are Hunted Down and Cleansed by us Patriot Hunters, then and only then can we freely nuke Europe back to the Stone-Age (as so desperately beg us to do), invade any Lesser Nation that has terrorists of any kind, and Slaughter every UN member and their women and children.

For History has proven that to be truly free, we can have only One Political Party.

I need to go clean my rifles. I can't wait to slaughter my neighbors, damn hippies! They let their daughters run around Naked!

Praise Jesus, For He Commands Us Patriots: Kill All the Unbelievers! Hitler Was Right!

Posted by Fucking Gay at October 14, 2004 10:56 AM

The stability of our nation is solely a function of our oil supply. We will eventually get our oil exclusively from Canada at a much higher price, and all will be stable. Expensive but stable. Until then or until we have a hydrogen based economy we must stabalize the Middle East. The United States of America is the most powerful country on Earth today. I would like to see this continue!!! A properly placed WMD or two combined with straving the nation of oil could change all that in short order. I say if we believe that we are better off for being free, then we would be hipocrits not to want the same freedom for the rest of humanity. It is those people who tolerate ill treatment of humanity outside the US that I have a problem with. These are the same bastards that delayed the entry into World War II causing millions of deaths. Saddam killed over 100,000 people. He is a bad guy (for those of you with two digit IQ's). Think of those people as your own people asian, hispanic black, Jew, anglo. Maybe then you will agree he had to go!!!

Posted by Robert at October 15, 2004 11:29 AM

Kerry and Edwards are like the two opposite ends of excrement-vile and odious.

Posted by Scooter at October 15, 2004 02:15 PM

I have got to send this to my co-workers
They will get a kick out of it even the FLAMING LEFTIST ones.
Oh also I need to put in my evil conservative PDA to send this to one of my co-workers who swore that When W got elected in 2000 that all people who were not white men would be slaves and second class citizens again.
HEY, here is another fun one.
What hasn't anyone taken these DemocRATS to task for controling the senate house and presidency for so many years, and NOT GETTING RID OF RACISM, POVERTY and all the other social woes they blame on Conservatives????
Because Poverty Pimps like Kerry, Sharpton, Jackson, Kennedy, and all the others are so hooked on making promises that they never meet, keep or intend to.

Oh whats an Evil Conservative to do?
I Know BUY More Stock in HALIBURTON, LOCKHEED, and all other defense contractors!!!!

To paraphrase Bill Murray from Caddyshack
"The Only Good Terrorist is a Dead Terrorist!"

Willie G
American by birth,
Conservative by grace of FREEDOM!

Posted by Willie G at October 16, 2004 07:47 AM

I would build Governments based on our beloved Bill of Rights and Constitution, the system of checks and balances, most important that the rights of the people to keep and bear arms shall never never never be infringed upon for any reasons whatsoever. Take me out back and shoot me, I'm one of those "Evil Conservatives" that believes that Government should keep their noses out of our day to day lives, so let me go out to work and make a living.

Posted by Mark A. Yonko at October 19, 2004 09:35 PM

You guys are retarded!
I'm not a Kerry supporter, but it was easy to figure out that by "global test" he was using the language of systemics. He did not mean actually polling the world. You guys remind me of middle-school cafeteria debaters. Please evolve!

Posted by Scott B at October 22, 2004 02:48 PM =) Very good stuff there.

By the way, GREAT global test, I got a laugh out of it, which is what it was meant for =)

Posted by CreQ at October 22, 2004 09:58 PM

I'm extremely proud that I look like a monkey instead of a large-nosed French person and that I earned a score of -4300.

D. Heavener

Posted by at October 25, 2004 10:52 AM

This is perfect, and to the leftist who said "hitler was right" HE WAS REALLY LEFT he was the leader of the National socalist party. JUST LIKE KERRY

Posted by brian at October 29, 2004 06:53 PM

its funnnyyy!

Posted by billy bob at November 2, 2004 03:53 PM

-6900 points! yee gads! do dis mean im a uneducated,poor,christian,rightwing redneck?


Posted by E.K. at November 14, 2004 04:56 PM

Still hot, after all these post-election days!
My lib sister just sent me this:

Do this:
Go to
Type in "weapons of mass destruction" (DO NOT hit Enter)
Hit the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button
Read the "error message"
really read ALL of it....


and I sent her the transterrestrial globaltest in reponse. Yay!

Guessing she'll get a higher score than I did--

Posted by m at November 15, 2004 02:53 PM

-4700. Guess I'll never live to be a great diplomat. But I'll damn sure die a Proud American. 'nuff said.

Posted by Slick Mick at January 9, 2005 04:49 PM

My God! I answered all the questions like what really happened and I failed with -4000. I feel as Ive morphed into a minime Bush. Im meltinggggggggg help meeeeeeeee. daddy?

Posted by hobo at January 11, 2005 11:06 PM

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