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« He Gets It | Main | A Plea For Sanity »

FEC Launches Investigation Into Al Qaeda

WASHINGTON (APUPI) In response to complaints from the Bush campaign today, the Federal Election Commission has decided to look into the sources of financing for Al Qaeda, to determine if any election laws were broken by the recent video released featuring its leader, Osama bin Laden.

A campaign spokesman claimed that, with all of his harsh criticism of the president, the terrorist leader was clearly supporting the Kerry campaign.

"He may not have explicitly endorsed Senator Kerry, but he clearly skirted the edges of the McCain-Feingold law. Anyone can look at that tape and tell that Osama wants our opponent to win this election," claimed a campaign spokesman.

He went on, "This new Kerry endorsement by yet another world leader is just their latest October surprise, coming just four days before the election. 'Bush lied, we made the terrorists mad, he sat there reading to kids instead of evacuating the trade center,' yada yada yada. They can deny it all they want, but Osama's clearly illegally coordinating with and Michael Moore."

Arousing further suspicion were rumors of cutting-room floor portions of the video that showed bin Laden mocking Bush by accusing him of "outsourcing" his capture to Afghans.

The commission will be investigating whether or not Al Qaeda has properly registered as a 527 corporation, and looking into all potential sources for its funding. It's of particular concern that foreign funds may have poured into this newest anti-Bush group. They will also be following any potential money trails that could lead back to George Soros.

A subpoena will be going out this weekend to an undisclosed location in northeast Pakistan, bin Laden's last known whereabouts, requiring him to provide cancelled checks, bank receipts, email and postal communications between his and other anti-Bush advocacy organizations, cell phone records and other documents that might shed light on potential violations of the campaign finance laws.

A senior Al Qaeda spokesman said in a phone call that they wouldn't accept such a subpoena, though he didn't say whether or not they would simply refuse it, or decapitate the servicer.

"Sheik Osama is very ill and tired, and has no time for such nonsense from The Great Satan," he complained. "We have had no contact with any of the infidels for either campaign," he angrily claimed, to the sounds of Farenheit 911 playing in the background.

Coming so late in the campaign, the investigation is not expected to bear fruit before the election is over (the end of which is now projected by Kerry campaign lawyers to occur sometime in late May, 2006, once all the appeals have been exhausted), but if convicted, bin Laden's organization could be fined up to half a million dollars, and he could serve up to six months in federal prison.

Questions to the Justice Department as to the probability of his serving time with Martha Stewart were unanswered as of this report.

Posted by Rand Simberg at October 29, 2004 03:06 PM
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Well written satire, as always. But it raises a question.

Why isn't the SOB OBL already dead?

Dead men record no video-tape.

Posted by Bill White at October 29, 2004 04:42 PM

So, we get OBL on some peripheral thing, like Al Capone & tax evasion... :-)

- Eric.

Posted by Eric S. at October 29, 2004 06:30 PM

Dead men record no video-tape.

Who says? OBL is as original as a foghorn. He reminds me of Hengist near the end of the ST:TOS episode "Wolf in the Fold": die, ha ha, die, kill you all, make you suffer, oh ha ha ha ha. . .

I 'spect any teenage American geek could write a Perl script that would produce "genuine" OBL press releases that would give even the most jaded al Qaeda fanatics a hard-on. Then we just need some clever 2.70 groupies to come up with some clockwork to make his little stick arms go up and down.

I mean, sheesh, what a loser.

Posted by Carl Pham at October 29, 2004 09:00 PM

I read speculation somewhere that Al Quaeda actually means foundation because OBL is a Harry Seldon fan (Asimov.) The claims that I've heard is that the tape is suppose to be recent because it mentions both Bush and Kerry. How hard would it have been for OBL to prepare generic tapes that included a number of Democratic hopefuls on different tapes and have his supporters only release the one that matched the current circumstances? This might happen if OBL considered himself some kind of Seldon clone?

Posted by ken anthony at October 30, 2004 05:14 AM

I hear that Michael Moore wants to "sue the bastard" also.

On the bright side, for once the looney left of the Democratic Party is really angry with Osama, even if their fury has to do with his lessening their election prospects rather than with his murder of 3000 Americans on 9/11.

Posted by Harry Forbes at October 30, 2004 10:39 AM

Osama Stumps for Kerry/ Edwards 2004*
New York Times***
Published: October 31, 2004

Marysville, Ohio, October 30 - Appearing on stage at a downtown rally in this battleground state, Osama Bin Laden and John Kerry treated hundreds of cheering supporters to 45 minutes of frank talk on national security and public policy. Following an introduction by local officials, Bin Laden opened by stating that "You American people, my speech to you is the best way to avoid another conflict about the war and its reasons and results. I am telling you security is an important pillar of human life. And free people don't let go of their security contrary to Bush's claims that we hate freedom."

Bin Laden invoked 'old Europe' with remarks that "[Bush] should tell us why we didn't hit Sweden...", and continued to attack Bush for his incompetence in responding to the attacks by stating that "[Bush] would leave 50 thousand of his citizens in both towers to face the horrors by themselves when they most needed him because it seemed to distract his attention from listening to the girl telling him about her goat butting..." Bin Laden later went on to criticize Fox News, McDonald's, and globalization.

Kerry, deftly patting Bin Laden on the back and taking the microphone, then addressed the crowd regarding outsourcing, social security, and other key issues in this year's campaign. Later, Bin Laden and Kerry together attacked issues regarding reimportation of prescription drugs, the environment, and civic responsibility, concluding by invoking Puff Daddy's message to "Vote or Die". The two men then embraced, wished their supporters well, and departed.

Posted by Nagourney at October 30, 2004 10:40 AM

It's a CGI, not OBL.


Posted by D Rhodes at October 30, 2004 11:23 AM

OBL was thanking Bush for the great work at Tora Bora and post invation Iraq. The more he mocks Bush the more mistakes Bush makes fighting terrorism. He is kind of like Bush's father in that respect. The people he does "not" want to be seen as....It is symbiotic, they need each other to be heard.

Zarqawi is coming in a close second. Why kill an enemy when you can use them for political gain here in the US. Got to like Rove.....

Posted by R Hicks at October 30, 2004 11:48 AM

Acutally he's in trouble with the IRS because as a "religious" leader he isn't supposed to campaign for one candidate over the other. Al Qaeda may just lose it's tax exempt status over this.

Posted by Duane at October 30, 2004 12:20 PM

re: removing Osama

Others have observed that it's taken us decades to run down other most-wanted folks (often terrorists). Be it Kathleen Soliah (23 years) or the Unibomber (10 years). But, unlike WW2, where taking the emperor ended the kamikazes, capturing or killing UBL will not do the same for WW4.

I suspect we're about 10K into the 30-40K terrorists trained in the Afghanistan, Bosnia, Lebanon, and the Palestinian camps. At 10-20 killed per day in Iraq (and seeing the camps remain closed) we should be done in 10 years or so. And we'll likely have flushed Osama out of whatever spider hole he's in.

Posted by Ari Tai at October 30, 2004 12:32 PM

Infidel Americans, wake up! There are times when America needs the plain-spoken butt-kicking aggressive unilateralist heathen cowboy. And by Allah there are times when your country needs an eloquent, nuanced multilateral, French-speaking, consensus-building, flexible and cautious negotiator. May Allah be praised, we beseech you to consider the infidel Kerry so I can get my boney ass out of this cave!

Posted by at October 30, 2004 12:55 PM

Viet vet - I remember kerry in '71 and on.


and the stuff with VVAW was just an opportunity to launch a political career. but the VN war is a mixed bag... it wasn't that simple. so kerry is stuck with his bad karma.

Posted by ed smithton at October 30, 2004 01:26 PM

Did I hear correctly that Osama was paid by the Kerry campaign to make this announcement? It would be just like him.
oh my.

Posted by Billary at October 30, 2004 01:29 PM

Yasser's disease? AIDS!!Contracted from Edward Said!!

Posted by joe at October 30, 2004 07:39 PM


Scrappleface must be very jealous. ;)

Posted by SteveoBrien at October 30, 2004 08:12 PM

Coordinating with MM and MoveOn? Oh, that is just stupid. They didn't really say that did they?

It's not coordination... someone got a copy of Moore's movie to Osama and he watched it.

Over and over and over and over.

Posted by at October 30, 2004 09:22 PM

Just to get his camel "in the mood."

Posted by McGehee at October 31, 2004 07:05 AM

Actually, he probably still IS DEAD, but his downline have overdubbed his video with a vocal-imitator, and put in the Dem talking points, so we can get a GOOD FEELING for Kerry.

Good feelings... Nope. You gotta do better than this, al-Qaeda!

Posted by Carridine at October 31, 2004 07:09 AM

Here's what actual happened, the Kerry campaign had the tape made, by Michael Moore, to discredit themselves so they could claim that the Republicans actually had it made to discredit the Kerry Camp. Hoping that American voters would think The Republicans DID in fact do it to discredit Kerry, and then BLAME the Democrats for making it, so as, to make themselves look bad, so that we would doubt Mr Bush and think he was not smart enough to pull of this bit of under cover work. Thereby getting us to rethink our choice and vote for Nader, moving votes to the independents and taking votes from Bush to give Kerry a much needed few percentage points boost.


Bin Laden made the tape and its just another rambling piece of Islamofascist horse pucky!!!

Posted by Steve at November 1, 2004 07:03 AM

You had me going for a couple of paragraphs, there, Rand. . .

Good one!

Posted by LBParker at November 1, 2004 08:31 AM

You may want to go to MEMRI (google it) which does translations from Arabic. They have the full 18-minute video.

I'm actually here to post my favorite Poll for undecided voters;

Since 1956, Weekly Reader students in grades 1-12 have correctly picked the president

Weekly Reader kids select Bush in Presidential Poll

The students who read Weekly Readerís magazines have made their preference for President known: they want to send President Bush back to the White House.

The results of this yearís Weekly Reader poll have just been announced, and the winner is President Bush. Hundreds of thousands of students participated, giving the Republican President more than 60% of the votes cast and making him a decisive choice over Democratic Senator John Kerry.

Since 1956, Weekly Reader students in grades 1-12 have correctly picked the president, making the Weekly Reader poll one of the most accurate predictors of presidential outcomes in history.

Posted by punditWorld at November 1, 2004 06:13 PM

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