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A Contrite Lott Reveals That He's Black
Pascagoula (APUPI) December 14, 2002
In a shocking and bizarre new twist in the ongoing Segre-Gate scandal, an increasingly desperate Senator Chester "Trent" Lott announced today that he is actually an African American.
In a prelude to his upcoming appearance on BET, he appeared at a sparsely-attended press conference outside his local office, resplendent in a colorful daishiki, with his formerly shellacked hair frizzing freely in a three-foot diameter "afro-style" hairdo.
"As you all know, Bill Clinton was the first black president. Well, I'm the first black Senate Majority Leader. It's truly a proud day for the Republican Party and the African-American community."
"I know that many of you will be surprised to learn that I was 'passing' all of these years. It was a deep, dark family secret."
"My great-great grandmother was a house nigra on a plantation outside of Biloxi. My great-grandfather was a mullatto, my grandmother was a quadroon, and my mother was an octaroon, which makes me a hexidecaroon. As all of you from hereabouts know, just a touch of one hair of the tarbrush means that I can never be truly white."
"I have to say that it's quite a relief to finally let my true nature come out after all these years."
"Every morning it used to take me over an hour to apply a fresh coat of lacquer to my hair, to keep it under control."
"The 'Singing Senators' will finally be fully integrated, and my deep rich bass voice can harmonize fully and freely, in pride of my heritage. I'll be able to tap my feet in actual rhythm with the music as I vocalize, without any more fear of giving myself away."
When he came to the end of the formal statement, he repeated it in Swahili, Mandinka, and Ibo, followed by a tongue-clicking rendition in the language of the South African !Kung bushmen.
In response to questions as to whether he was simply pandering in order to pathetically cling to power, he appeared shocked and angered.
"It pains me to even hear such a question."
"This isn't about power. It's about bonding with my community. That's why as soon as the Senate goes back into session in January, I'm going to sponsor a bill to make Kwanzaa an official government holiday, and move to put Martin Luther King's face on the twenty dollar bill. For too long has our currency been sullied by the face of that redneck Andy Jackson."
Calls to the office of the Congressional Black Caucus to determine if he had yet joined were unreturned.
Posted by Rand Simberg at December 14, 2002 08:34 AM
TOO TOO funny!! I laughed until I hurt. Have you considered a career totally in Political Satire?Posted by Steve at December 14, 2002 07:20 PM
This one is a spewing coffee out the nose piece of the first order. "...which makes me a hexidecaroon"
I'm glad I don't wear dry clean only clothes, every time you posted an article like this, my bill would spike.Posted by Celeste at December 16, 2002 02:17 PM
Or to quote Steve Martin: "I was born a poo' black chil'"Posted by Larry Blue at December 16, 2002 05:39 PM
Funny, but I'm wondering if Lott could pulla "George Wallace" with enough contrition and advocacy for CBC policiesPosted by pduggie at December 16, 2002 05:50 PM
Who was it who said: Your not really finished 'til they start laughing at you?
A funny and revealing piece.
JohnPosted by John at December 16, 2002 06:18 PM
Trust you to make a most sickening event (Lott on BET) into a great piece of satire. What an arse Lott is. I never liked him before now, and now that I know he is fan of "affirmative" descrimination er I mean action I loath the bastard. It impressive that the man goes from being portayed as pro-descrimination against blacks and now trying to portraying himself as pro-descrimination against whites.
Did you see that church Lott went to on Sunday? Not a black person in the room...Posted by Andrew Ian Dodge at December 16, 2002 07:00 PM
That is great!Posted by Ray at December 16, 2002 07:45 PM
It's just too choice to think that the occasion of all this trouble--Strom Thurmond--went from segregationist to integrationist much more nimbly than Lott is weathering this.Posted by The Sanity Inspector at December 16, 2002 09:12 PM
Have you considered a career totally in Political Satire?
In my (admittedly) limited experience, it doesn't pay very well...Posted by Rand Simberg at December 16, 2002 10:06 PM
Thanks for making my morning!Posted by Laurie at December 17, 2002 02:47 AM
You just made my day - that was hilarious!Posted by Rick M at December 17, 2002 06:08 AM
Actually, I thought he was a macaroon, or perhaps a hexi-dexi-buffoon. Familia Offering (or at least the adults) approve. Not that you were losing sleep over it....Posted by tracey henley at December 17, 2002 09:19 AM
The lead alone was worth it.Posted by Mockery at December 17, 2002 02:30 PM
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