6 thoughts on “Time To Start Up The Trials Again”

  1. Worth posting in this instance:

    CROWD:
    A witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! We’ve found a witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! We’ve got a witch! A witch! A witch! Burn her! Burn her!
    Burn her! We’ve found a witch! We’ve found a witch! A witch! A witch! A witch!
    VILLAGER #1:
    We have found a witch. May we burn her?
    CROWD:
    Burn her! Burn! Burn her! Burn her!
    BEDEVERE:
    How do you know she is a witch?
    VILLAGER #2:
    She looks like one.
    CROWD:
    Right! Yeah! Yeah!
    BEDEVERE:
    Bring her forward.
    WITCH:
    I’m not a witch. I’m not a witch.
    BEDEVERE:
    Uh, but you are dressed as one.
    WITCH:
    They dressed me up like this.
    CROWD:
    Augh, we didn’t! We didn’t…
    WITCH:
    And this isn’t my nose. It’s a false one.
    BEDEVERE:
    Well?
    VILLAGER #1:
    Well, we did do the nose.
    BEDEVERE:
    The nose?
    VILLAGER #1:
    And the hat, but she is a witch!
    VILLAGER #2:
    Yeah!
    CROWD:
    We burn her! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah!
    BEDEVERE:
    Did you dress her up like this?
    VILLAGER #1:
    No!
    VILLAGER #2 and 3:
    No. No.
    VILLAGER #2:
    No.
    VILLAGER #1:
    No.
    VILLAGERS #2 and #3:
    No.
    VILLAGER #1:
    Yes.
    VILLAGER #2:
    Yes.
    VILLAGER #1:
    Yes. Yeah, a bit.
    VILLAGER #3:
    A bit.
    VILLAGERS #1 and #2:
    A bit.
    VILLAGER #3:
    A bit.
    VILLAGER #1:
    She has got a wart.
    RANDOM:
    [cough]
    BEDEVERE:
    What makes you think she is a witch?
    VILLAGER #3:
    Well, she turned me into a newt.
    BEDEVERE:
    A newt?
    VILLAGER #3:
    I got better.
    VILLAGER #2:
    Burn her anyway!
    VILLAGER #1:
    Burn!
    CROWD:
    Burn her! Burn! Burn her!…
    BEDEVERE:
    Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.
    VILLAGER #1:
    Are there?
    VILLAGER #2:
    Ah?
    VILLAGER #1:
    What are they?
    CROWD:
    Tell us! Tell us!…
    VILLAGER #2:
    Do they hurt?
    BEDEVERE:
    Tell me. What do you do with witches?
    VILLAGER #2:
    Burn!
    VILLAGER #1:
    Burn!
    CROWD:
    Burn! Burn them up! Burn!…
    BEDEVERE:
    And what do you burn apart from witches?
    VILLAGER #1:
    More witches!
    VILLAGER #3:
    Shh!
    VILLAGER #2:
    Wood!
    BEDEVERE:
    So, why do witches burn?
    [pause]
    VILLAGER #3:
    B–… ’cause they’re made of… wood?
    BEDEVERE:
    Good! Heh heh.
    CROWD:
    Oh, yeah. Oh.
    BEDEVERE:
    So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
    VILLAGER #1:
    Build a bridge out of her.
    BEDEVERE:
    Ah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?
    VILLAGER #1:
    Oh, yeah.
    RANDOM:
    Oh, yeah. True. Uhh…
    BEDEVERE:
    Does wood sink in water?
    VILLAGER #1:
    No. No.
    VILLAGER #2:
    No, it floats! It floats!
    VILLAGER #1:
    Throw her into the pond!
    CROWD:
    The pond! Throw her into the pond!
    BEDEVERE:
    What also floats in water?
    VILLAGER #1:
    Bread!
    VILLAGER #2:
    Apples!
    VILLAGER #3:
    Uh, very small rocks!
    VILLAGER #1:
    Cider!
    VILLAGER #2:
    Uh, gra– gravy!
    VILLAGER #1:
    Cherries!
    VILLAGER #2:
    Mud!
    VILLAGER #3:
    Uh, churches! Churches!
    VILLAGER #2:
    Lead! Lead!
    ARTHUR:
    A duck!
    CROWD:
    Oooh.
    BEDEVERE:
    Exactly. So, logically…
    VILLAGER #1:
    If… she… weighs… the same as a duck,… she’s made of wood.
    BEDEVERE:
    And therefore?
    VILLAGER #2:
    A witch!
    VILLAGER #1:
    A witch!
    CROWD:
    A witch! A witch!…
    VILLAGER #4:
    Here is a duck. Use this duck.
    [quack quack quack]
    BEDEVERE:
    Very good. We shall use my largest scales.
    CROWD:
    Ohh! Ohh! Burn the witch! Burn the witch! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Ahh! Ahh…
    BEDEVERE:
    Right. Remove the supports!
    [whop]
    [clunk]
    [creak]
    CROWD:
    A witch! A witch! A witch!
    WITCH:
    It’s a fair cop.
    VILLAGER #3:
    Burn her!
    CROWD:
    Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn! Burn!…
    BEDEVERE:
    Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
    ARTHUR:
    I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

  3. I think this witch is a guy in a dispute with other witches over allocations of the Salem witch tourist business. Historically, big feuds are usually started over control of a business territory or land. I suggest the city council bring the parties together in arbitration, or failing that, a duel to the death using wands and spells.

  4. Ironic since Salem comes from the word for Peace. Jerusalem being two-fold peace. These cities just can’t catch a break.

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