My Fund-Raising Letter From The Donald

I just got one:

Good day and compliments. This letter will definitely come to you as a yuuuge surprise, but I implore you to take the time to go through it carefully as the decision you make will go off a long way to determine the future and continued existence of the federal republic of America. First I must solicit your confidence in this transaction. This is by virtue of its nature as being utterly confidential and top secret.

Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Donald Trump, I plan to become head of state and commander in chief of the armed forces of the America. I need your help in freeing up funds at NBC and Univision which are presently trapped in that country. In order to commence this business I solicit your assistance to enable me to RECEIVE the said trapped funds.

My ordeal started immediately after I was attacked by a blond bimbo, obviously on the rag, on Fox News, and the subsequent criticism by all of the stupid people in the media. The present press and Republican clown candidates are determined to portray all the good work of my businesses in a bad light and have gone as far as revealing my past terrific liberal positions. As I am writing this letter to you, my daughter Ivanka is undergoing questioning with The View. All these measures taken by these stupid losers is just to gain recognition.

I and the entire members of my family have been held incommunicado since I was disinvited to the Red State conference, only able to talk to George Stephanopolous and others by telephone, hence I seek your indulgence to assist us in securing these funds we need to move forward in our campaign. We are not allowed to see or discuss with anybody. Few occasions I have tried traveling abroad through alternative means all failed.

It is in view of this I have mandated Bernie Madoff, who has been assisting the family to run around on so many issues to act on behalf of the family concerning the substance of this letter. He has the full power of attorney to execute this transaction with you.

NBC and Univision have a yuuuge amount of money that they owe me for breach of contract ($80,000,000,000.00) specially preserved and well packed in trunk boxes of which only I know about. It is packed in such a way to forestall just anybody having access to it. It is this sum that I seek your assistance to get out of there as soon as possible before the they find out about it and confiscate it just like they want to do to all my assets.

Please note that this transaction is 100% safe and we hope THAT THE FUNDS CAN ARRIVE YOUR ACCOUNT in latest ten (10) banking days from the date of receipt of the following information by TEL/FAX: 1-800-DONALDT: A SUITABLE NAME AND BANK ACCOUNT INTO WHICH THE FUNDS CAN BE PAID. PLEASE ENDEAVOR TO RESPOND BY TELEPHONE OR FAX. All you have to do is give me your bank account number for the transfer.

I implore you to please give consideration to my predicament and candidate in need.

My heart goes out.

[Monday-morning update]

Apparently Poe’s Law is strong with this one. Would it have helped if I’d started it off with “Dear Beloved in our Lord, and Praise be unto Allah”?

7 thoughts on “My Fund-Raising Letter From The Donald”

  1. LoL!

    Even if that was really from Trump, it’s still more honest than the dreck a lot of candidates on both sides are serving. 🙂

    As a serious aside, I find it highly interesting that Trump is fundraising for real, per the NBC piece. A few years ago I read up on the Perot campaigns, and one of the criticisms of his strategy was that he didn’t fundraise, because fundraising makes people feel invested (they are less likely to swap candidates if they’ve given to one.). So, Trump doing this is interesting on a tactical level.

    It’ll also be very interesting to see how much he raises.

  2. The 6th and 7th paragraphs sound like a Nigerian scam. He’s owed $60 billion, and he needs YOUR help in getting it back?

    Bernie Madoff? Is he even allowed to touch a manual typewriter, leave alone a computer keyboard, these days?

    That email was late on April 2nd.

  3. In re: your Monday update, I would have thought that the “satire” tag at the head of the post would have obviated the need to call our Poe’s Law (or, really, the first use of the word “yuuuge”), but I suppose that’s an indication that my expectations of people are higher than they perhaps should be…

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