Category Archives: Satire

Humor, Political Commentary, Popular Culture, Satire

The Slow Descent Into Hell

68 Comments

Barack Obama showed his deft political touch today, and demonstrated his keen insight into the lives of the little people in this country, with a speech that is sure to be worth at least thirty points in Pennsylvania in the upcoming primary:

You go into these small towns in Pennsylvania and, like a lot of small towns in the Midwest, the jobs have been gone now for 25 years and nothing’s replaced them… And it’s not surprising then they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.

I asked around the area, to see how his obvious compassion for Pennsylvanians was viewed. This is just one story, from one man in West Deer Township, but I’m sure that it’s typical.

“By cracky, it’s like the man sees into my very soul!

“Thirty years ago, I had a good job in the mill in Pittsburgh. I was bringing in a good income, going to jazz clubs, discussing Proust over white wine and brie, with my gay friends of all colors. I was all for free trade, so that we could sell the steel overseas, and I never bothered to go to church, let alone actually believe in God.

“But then, the plant closed down, and I couldn’t get another job. I went on unemployment, and found odd jobs here and there, but they barely paid the rent on the loft, and the payment on the Bimmer. I couldn’t afford the wine and brie any more, and had to shift over to beer and brats.

“Of course, as a result, I started hanging out with the wrong crowd–the beer drinkers.

“And it wasn’t just the beer. Some of them actually went out in the woods in the fall, and shot animals. And kilt ’em. With real guns!

“I was shocked, of course. For all their diversity, none of my gay friends would have ever thought of doing anything like that. But with my job loss, and lack of money for pedicures and pommade, they didn’t want to hang with me any more. So I borried a twelve gauge over’n’under, and went out with my new beer-drinking animal-killing friends in the woods. And I’ll tell you what, when I shot down that eight-pointer, I felt a sense of power over the helpless in a way that I hadn’t since I’d been looking down on the rednecks when I had that good job in Pittsburgh, driving around town in my 528i.

“But somehow the killing, and hating those two-timing nancy boys wasn’t enough. I was still in despair. I started to search for answers, and I thought that I found them in Jesus. It started small, just church on Sunday, with prayers and a lecture from the preacher.

“But it didn’t stop there. Soon I was attending Wednesday night revivals, and huzzahing and hossanahing, and babbling with the best of them. After a few months I’d graduated to juggling garter snakes, then rattlers.

“But it wasn’t enough. Despite all the gun caressing, and animal killing, and hatred of people who weren’t like me, and anger at the Colombians who were…doing something to me–I’m not entirely sure what, and the tongue speaking and snake handling, I still couldn’t find a job.

“My social life continued to deteriorate. Not only was I no longer interested in those sensitive swishes, or literature, but I was starting to look with lust at my sister. And not just look, I’ll tell you what. She’d been out of work, too, and was getting mighty interested, if you know what I mean.

“I have hit rock bottom.

“Please, help me, O Bama. Forgive me, O Bama. O Bama, my Bama, rescue me from this living hell in which Reagan, and Bush, and Clinton, and Bush, have consigned me. Restore unto me my loft and my teutonic status symbol. Give me back my poofter friends, and my pinot grigio and my baked gruyere, and lattes. Save me from the killing and the beer, and most of all, from Jesus. Save me, O my Bama, and I will commit my vote unto you.

This is just one story of the many lives that Barack Obama has touched, and blessed, this day in the benighted Keystone State. But with his obvious compassion, and ability to feel the pain of others so unlike him, he is sure to carry the state in a couple weeks.

[Late evening update]

Ace has more:

Obama To Rural Pennsylvanians: Vote For Me, You Corncob-Smokin’, Banjo-Strokin’ Chicken-Chokin’ Cousin-Pokin’ Inbred Hillbilly Racist Morons

Yeah, that’s about it.

[Saturday morning update]

More from Mickey Kaus:

Excuse me? Hunting is part of working-class American culture. Does Obama really think that working-class whites in Pennsylvania were gun control liberals until their industries were downsized, whereas they all rushed to join the NRA …

I used to think working class voters had conservative values because they were bitter about their economic circumstances–welfare and immigrants were “scapegoats,” part of the false consciousness that would disappear when everyone was guaranteed a good job at good wages. Then I left college. …

…Rather than trying to spin his way out, wouldn’t it be better for Obama to forthrightly admit his identity? Let’s have a national dialogue about egghead condescension!

[Mid-Saturday morning update]

This is turning out to be the Blazing Saddles election:

It’s amazing how many lines from that movie work for this campaign.

The first question Obama got in Iowa

What’s a dazzling urbanite like you doing in a rustic setting like this?

Explaining the Iowa caucus to newcomers

Now, I suppose you’re all wondering just what in the heck you’re doing out here in the middle of a prairie in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night.
Crowd: You bet your ass.

Despite setbacks, Mike Gravel stays in the race

no sidewindin bushwackin, hornswaglin, cracker croaker is gonna rouin me bishen cutter.

Obama’s campaign theme

He conquered fear and he conquered hate He turned dark night into day.

Hillary rounds up her operatives

I want rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists.

Ezra Klein hears a speech

God darnit…you use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore.

Obama after every press appearance

Ooh, baby, you are so talented! And they are so DUMB!

Obama explaining his post-racial appeal

Well, to tell the family secret, my grandmother was Dutch.

But Hispanics are skeptical of Obama and his supporters

Hast du gesehen in deine Leben? They’re darker than us!

The party’s new reaction to Hillary

Shut up, you Teutonic tw@t!

The anguish of the superdelegates

We’ve gotta protect our phoney baloney jobs, gentlemen!

and of course for the current situation

You’ve got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know… morons.

[Update a couple minutes later]

Oooh, oooohhh, there’s more! I found Obama’s Facebook page. Note that one of his favorite books is one about an obsessive hatred of a white whale.

So, is a cigar just a cigar? I report, you decide.

[Update a few minutes later]

One more (more serious) thought. When Obama talks about “clinging to religion,” is he saying that his religious belief is founded in something other than economic hardship? Or is he implying that, despite his words and church attendance for the past twenty years, that he’s at heart an agnostic, if not an atheist? Was the church thing all for political show (as it was with at least Bill, if not both Clintons)? And of course, if these are his true feelings (and I suspect that one is more likely to hear what he really thinks when he perceives himself to be among a friendly audience), then it’s not surprising that he could sit through twenty years of Pastor Wright bigotry and hatred and find nothing exceptional or objectionable about it. He’s smart enough to know that others will find it so, so he pretends to be outraged when called on it, but he wasn’t smart enough to see how his remarks in this case would be viewed by those to whom he unconsciously condescends.

I think that this could be a campaign killer in the fall. That sound bite will be shown over and over again. I just regret that it came out this soon. Unfortunately, the Democrats still have a chance to eject him before he gets the nomination. But even if they do, it will still be an electoral disaster for them. The problem is that it isn’t just Obama. Most of them are just smart enough not to voice their bigotry publicly, but this is how much of the party itself views rural and middle America, and it’s going to hurt them all through the fall. And justly so.

[Late morning update]

Mark Steyn has further thoughts:

I had a ton of fun covering Kerry’s awkwardness with Americans but, in fairness, it was essentially a consumerist snobbery: he preferred the Newburgh Yacht Club for lunch over the local Wendy’s, he’d rather be windsurfing off Nantucket than rednecking at Nascar, etc. Obama’s snobbery seems more culturally profound, and unlike Kerry he can’t plead the crippling disadvantage of a privileged childhood. Rather, Barack’s condescension reveals a man out of touch with the rhythms of American life to a degree that’s hard to fathom. As Michelle says, they “chose” to “leave corporate America”, and Barack became a “community organizer” and she wound up a 350-grand-a-year “diversity outreach coordinator”. I’ve no idea what either of those careers involve, and most of us seem able to get along without them. But their remoteness from the American mainstream perhaps explains why the Obamas seem to have no clue how Americans live their lives.

And yes, I’m a foreigner. But it takes one to know one, and this guy seems weirdly disconnected from everything except neo-segregationist Afrocentric grievance politics and upscale white liberal condescension. Not much of a coalition.

But that’s the modern Democrat Party. Without the media (which is as elitist as they are) in their pocket, they’d never stand a chance.

[Early afternoon update]

Was Obama’s faux pas the sound of the horse beginning to clear its throat for its aria? This kind of thing is what keeps Hillary from dropping out.

[Another update a few minutes later]

And of course, Iowahawk has to pile on, with a golden oldie about rebellious youth:

Like most of their classmates, these North Shore Neckies were once bound for some of the top universities in America — Yale, Duke, Stanford, Northwestern — until they succumbed to the allure of the Downhome slacker lifestyle. Now some openly talk of dropping out, learning TIG welding, waiting tables at Waffle House or draining oil at Jiffy Lube; some even hint of enrolling at Iowa State. What drives privileged teens to such seemingly self-destructive behavior?

“I guess you might could say we’re rebels,” says Rachel ‘Tyffanie’ Stern, 17, lighting a Merit Menthol 100. Once destined for Vassar, Stern is now living with friends after her parents kicked her out of the house for spending her bat mitzvah money on a bass boat. Last month she became the youngest Jewish female to win an event on the Bassmasters Pro Tour.

Pausing for furtive glances, several of the teens share sniffs from a bottle of Harmon Triple Heat deer scent.

“Wooo-eee, shit howdy, that’s gonna bring a mess of them whitetail bucks,” says 19-year old Wei-Li ‘Lamar’ Cheung. A former Westinghouse Science Award winner, Cheung has devoted his chemistry and biology skill to building a fledgling hunting supply business.

A first generation Asian-American, Cheung says he was drawn to the group by their acceptance of minorities. “Hell, I kept tellin’ all my family and teachers I wanna play fiddle, not violin,” he explains. “The ‘Necks accept me the way I am.”

African-American Kwame ‘Joe Don’ Harris agrees. “Just because I’m black, teachers were always pushing me to go to Spellman to study Langston Hughes and Thelonius Monk,” says the 17 year old. “These ol’ boys here never laugh at my dream to be a crew chief for the Craftsman Truck Series.”

If there is one aspiration that unites them all, it is the dream of moving to Branson, Missouri. Long famed for its laid-back attitude toward religion, country music and the military, Branson has become a Mecca for radical young Neckies seeking an escape from the stultifying conformity of their coastal hometowns.

Only Barack can save us from this ongoing tragedy.

[Late afternoon update]

Obama is doing damage control with some of the yokelocals. I’m sure that Miss Hathaway will be able to smooth things over, except maybe with Grannie.

[Update on Sunday evening]

I’ve quit updating have some follow-up thoughts on Obama, and what this means about his attitudes toward individualism, here.

History, Political Commentary, Satire

War Critics Decry Interminable And Unwinnable Conflict

41 Comments

January 15th, 1945

WASHINGTON (Routers) With the “Allied” forces continuing to be bogged down in the Ardennes Forest, many are questioning Roosevelt administration war policies, the unreasonable length of the war, and even whether or not it can be won.

The 7th Army’s VI Corps is waging a desperate, and perhaps futile battle with German troops, surrounded on three sides in the Alsace region. A whole month after the beginning of the renewed German offensive, with almost twenty-thousand American troops dead in this battle alone, there remains no clear end in sight, or hope that the American lines can be closed.

There are serious questions about the competence of Generals Bradley and Patton, concerns that were only heightened shortly after the beginning of the battle, when two armies from Bradley’s army group were removed from his command and placed under that of the British General Montgomery. General Montgomery’s comments in a press conference a week ago have served only to buttress such legitimate doubts. He didn’t even mention their names in describing the limited efforts to recapture lost ground, that remains unsuccessful, with the Germans continuing to take the initiative.

Many point out that these lengthy battles, and lengthy wars, are somehow indicative of a fundamental failure of American policy, not just in waging the war, but in the very decision to enter into it.

“It’s not just that we’re a whole month into this battle with no clear resolution or exit strategy. In a few more months, this war will have gone on as long as the Civil War,” said one Republican critic of the administration. “And that one was Americans against Americans. We should have expected to do much better against Germans. After all, this war has now gone on twice as long as World War I, when we mopped up the Kaiser in a year and a half.” He went on, “It’s clearly the fault of this Roosevelt administration, that lied us into war, and then botched it. I’ll bet that had Tom Dewey won the election a couple months ago, he would have exercised his judgment by immediately implementing his policy of not having entered the war.”

Others disagree. One administration spokesman has said on background that this seems like flawed logic.

“One can’t judge war progress by a calendar. Wars aren’t run on a schedule, and every one is different,” he pointed out. “And neither can one judge the progress of a battle that way, or by the casualty count. Often the heaviest fighting occurs just before victory. Our heaviest losses at Normandy were just before we took the beach and the cliffs.”

“Yes, the fighting is fierce in the Ardennes now, but Hitler is waging a war on two fronts, and he’s down to young boys and old men as soldiers. We will simply have to outlast him, and I’m confident that we will start making serious progress into Germany in a month.”

But war opponents will have none of it.

“This administration has been telling us we’ve been winning for two and a half years, ever since Midway,” said the leader of one of the prominent anti-war groups. After over three years of killing and terror, it’s time to stop the lies, and the war.”

Humor, Political Commentary, Satire, War Commentary

No Thynge Coold Plese Me Moore

7 Comments

…than a blogge by Sir Iowahawke on that ArchBisheoppe Of Canterbeerry:

25 Sayeth the pilgryms to Bishop Rowan,

26 “Father, we do not like howe thynges are goin’.

27 You know we are as Lefte as thee,

28 But of layte have beyn chaunced to see

29 From Edinburgh to London-towne

30 The Musslemans in burnoose gowne

31 Who beat theyr ownselfs with theyr knyves

32 Than goon home and beat theyr wyves

33 And slaye theyr daughtyrs in honour killlynge

34 Howe do we stoppe the bloode fromme spillynge?”

35 The Bishop sipped upon hys tea

36 And sayed, “an open mind must we

37 Keep, for know thee well the Mussel-man

38 Has hys own laws for hys own clan

39 So question not hys Muslim reason

40 And presaerve ye well social cohesion.”

Reade, thee, the reste.

It cood be only the product of an undhimmified English major.

Satire

Church Massacre Spurs Calls For Effective Gun Control

December 14th, 2007

COLORADO SPRINGS (APUPI) As a mass memorial service was held today for the seventy-three victims of the massacre at the New Life Church, one of the largest such grim tolls in the nations’ history, gun-control advocates pointed out the continuing folly of allowing civilians access to pistols and assault weapons.

“This never would have happened had Matthew Murray not been able to get his hands on those weapons, ” said Sarah Brady, head of Handgun Control, Incorporated. “He had two handguns, an assault rifle, and a thousand rounds of ammunition. Seventy-three people are dead now, and thousands more wounded, because the NRA continues to block reasonable gun-control measures.”

With Sunday’s slaughter still fresh in the minds of many, she pointed out that now was the time to end such incidents once and for all, with effective laws against both handguns and assault weapons.

The toll was horrific for the church, which lost not only many parishioners, but its senior pastor, Brady Boyd. Also killed was Jeanne Assam, one of the church’s security guards. She had bravely stood up and warned the gunman as he entered the building after killing two girls in the parking lot, and pointed out the “gun-free zone” sign at the church entrance. However, she herself was unarmed, per church policy, and was shot down before Murray went on to shoot numerous others behind her.

While the police are to be commended on their fast response of twelve minutes from the time someone had the presence of mind to call 911 on their cell phone, by the time they could bring in someone to take out the shooter, he had had time to kill sixty nine others, and wound another hundred and twenty one.

Some have made the controversial suggestion that the death toll might have been lower had Ms. Assam been allowed to carry a firearm herself, something which, as a former police officer, she was well trained to do. In addition, she held a permit to legally carry a concealed weapon in Colorado. But the church rules, for obvious safety reasons, didn’t allow weapons on the premises.

Mrs. Brady finds such suggestions dangerous and ludicrous. “What is a woman going to do with a handgun against a man with two pistols and an assault rifle?” she asked. “Adding more weapons to the mix would only have increased the carnage. What they needed was bigger letters on the sign.”

[Copyright 2007 by Rand Simberg]

Satire

More Trouble For Hollywood

As is the case with their war against the war, their war against Christmas isn’t going so well, either:

Despite the disappointing weekend showing, MPAA spokesman Bell said that industry still has high hopes for 17 more anti-Santa films that will open nationwide this weekend, including “The Reindeer Hunter,” “Shop Loss,” and Quentin Tarantino’s much anticipated “Workshop of Blood.”

[Hint for the humor impaired–it’s Iowahawk, on a roll]

Satire

Network Experts Cast Doubt on Alleged Hirohito Recording

Senate Leaders Warn: Administration May Try to Spin Victory Claim

Aug. 16th, 1945.

WASHINGTON, DC (Routers) Network experts today cast doubt on the authenticity of the enigmatic recording released by the Administration yesterday, and alleged to be a radio address by Emperor Hirohito. Some Administration figures have begun to spin the alleged recording as a “surrender” speech broadcast by Hirohito on Japanese radio, although objective experts have pointed out that, as Hirohito’s voice has never been heard in public before, there is no way to guarantee that the voice was actually his, or even that it had been actually broadcast on Japanese radio.

“We have only the recording made by a military monitoring station on occupied Okinawa. Obviously the Truman Administration and the OSS could have fabricated the recording as a part of the campaign to spin the administration’s war as a ‘victory’,” said one expert, speaking on background.

Objective experts also pointed out that the alleged speech was made in an obscure form of Japanese purported to be the “court dialect,” which was scarcely intelligible to normal Japanese speakers. All of the translations have been made by linguists in government employ, another suspicious circumstance. Administration spokesmen, when questioned on this point, objected that virtually every American able to translate Japanese is currently on government payroll. When asked to comment on this statement, the expert smiled and said “That’s convenient, isn’t it?”

Due to the use of the alleged court dialect, translations have differed widely. The administration claims, for example, that the Emperor’s words could be translated as having “accepted the Four Power Declaration.” Other linguists objected, stating that the words actually translated more accurately as “have heard the Four Power Declaration,” a reading that does not imply that Japan has agreed to its terms, or will cease fighting. “It’s ambiguous,” said one.

They also pointed out that the emperor’s call for the Japanese to “endure the unendurable” could equally be interpreted as a call for the Japanese to endure yet more combat and bombing.

Anti-war leaders in the Senate were adamant in warning the American public not to fall for Administration spin. They claim that they are not going to back down from their demands for an end to the war. One Senate staffer was vehement:

“This is yet one more attempt by the administration to rally public support for a pointless, costly war that America has already lost. We have supposedly had victory in Europe for months now, yet the troops still remain, facing the dread Werewolf insurgency. Thousands of American casualties show up in the sick call every morning, incapacitated by venereal disease and alcohol poisoning from the “victory celebrations” staged by the administration. Tens of thousands of Germans are emigrating to Brazil and Argentina, deprived of their homes and livelihoods by the administration’s “denazification” process,” and hundreds of thousands of Jews have left Europe for America and Palestine. No matter what kind of shine the administration wants to put on this, this war will never be over until they return.”

He went on: “Now our occupation of the portion of the Japanese homeland in Okinawa is driving the Japanese to fiercer resistance. Millions of Japanese troops remain undefeated on the Japanese mainland, and in the home islands themselves. It defies logic that the Emperor would surrender while these forces remain undefeated, or even tested. How many more American lives will be lost in this senseless war? The only sensible policy, which we believe the American people endorsed in the 1944 elections, is to withdraw all troops from the Atlantic and Pacific theaters immediately, release Admiral Doenitz, and his ministers from the OSS prison where they were brought through illegal rendition, along with the rightful President of France, Marshall Petain, and to bring US forces home immediately from Okinawa and other occupied Japanese territories. We should also look into what happened to the Fuerher, who may come out of hiding, wherever he is, if he realizes that we’re now ready to be reasonable and end this war. Peace can be pursued by requesting that the Spanish Caudillo, General Franco, and the Emperor of Manchuria, who have an interest in regional peace, mediate with the German and Japanese governments.”

“It’s too bad that 600,000 American casualties were squandered by the Roosevelt and Truman administrations in their pointless war on questionable grounds, sparked by the suspect and disputed ‘Pearl Harbor’ incident. However, their blood is on the administration’s hands. We are only trying to save further American lives by recognizing reality and rejecting false claims that ‘victory’ is near.”

Copyright 2007 by Transterrestrial Musings