MOVABLE TYPE : TEMPLATE

November 13, 2008
Household Safety Tip

Don't hang curtains while nude, with an upright potato sitting on the kitchen table:

The vicar had to undergo a delicate operation to extract the vegetable, one of a range of odd items medics in Sheffield have had to remove from people's backsides or genitals.

Others include a can of deodorant, a cucumber, a Russian doll - and a carnation.

I really hate it when you accidentally fall bare-assed on a carnation.

[Update a while later]

This raised my eyebrows:

A hospital trust spokeswoman in Sheffield said: "Like all busy hospitals we do see some unusual accidents.

"But our staff deal with them in a discreet, professional and kind way."

Yes, because there's nothing more discreet than talking to a reporter for the Telegraph, and making it national (and on the web, therefore international) news.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:35 AM

November 06, 2008
And They Call Us Gun Nuts?

A man shot up his neighborhood in celebration of the Obama victory.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:53 AM

I Hate When That Happens

An Arizona woman jogged a mile with a rabid fox locked on to her arm with its jaws.

Could have been worse--at least it wasn't MSNBC. I don't think that there is a serum for an Olbermann bite.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:53 AM

October 24, 2008
No One Tell Leon Kass

Ice cream tastes better licked than spooned. Dr. Kass will be appalled to hear about scientific discrediting of his "yuckometer."

(And yes, before you bother to comment, I know that his point wasn't that licked ice cream doesn't taste good.)

Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:31 PM

October 22, 2008
Is It Just Me?

Watching those video clips of the ACORN organizers giving speeches for Obama, one of them talks and acts like her IQ is about refrigerator temperature. And then there are those weird outfits, including the hats. It's kind of frightening that these people vote at all, let alone register voters.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:15 AM

October 21, 2008
Weirdest Republican Endorsement Yet

Attempted page turner Mark Foley backs Barack.

As already noted, this isn't going to affect my thinking at all, but it's mightily strange. Was this guy ever really a conservative?

Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:56 AM

October 17, 2008
No Standing?

Some interesting thoughts on whether or not one can, or should be able to, sue God.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:56 AM

That'll Teach Him

A woman in India decapitated a man she claimed assaulted her. Some great comments from the Freepers:

The guy's second-to-last thoughts: "That woman cutting grass, the one with the two-foot long razor-sharp scythe, she looks hot. I think today is my lucky day."

The guy's last thought: "Ooops."

No kidding.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:18 AM

October 12, 2008
And Now For Something Completely Different (Part Two)

Jeff Patterson conquers the solar system.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:50 PM

September 17, 2008
The Latest In Medical Transplants

Eeeeuuuuwwww...:

... Patients who come into the hospital with suspected pneumonia now get an antibiotic within six hours, instead of four hours previously, to allow more time to assess the need for drugs.
One controversial strategy: fecal transplants. For one patient with recurrent C. diff, Kettering suggested a stool transplant from a relative, to help restore good bacteria in the gut. But Jeffrey Weinstein, an infectious-disease specialist at the hospital, says the patient "refused to consider it because it was so aesthetically displeasing."

To say the least. Though some kinky folks might get off on it. It's certainly a simple procedure compared to a heart or a kidney.

Some might argue that a lot of folks in Congress have already had the procedure done, except it was transplanted to the wrong location, considerably north of where it was supposed to go.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:42 AM

September 10, 2008
I Have Not Been Dreaming About Sarah Palin

Just for the record. These folks have, though, which would indicate that she's really gotten into their heads. I think that there's going to be a huge therapy bill come mid-November.

[Update a couple minutes later]

Has The Atlantic finally leashed its rabid pit bull? I've often wondered the last few years if the HIV has finally caught up with Andrew's mind. Dementia, sadly, is one of the potential consequences.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:44 AM

September 05, 2008
News You Can Use

You (or at least they) can tell a woman's v@ginal org@smic potential by watching the way she walks.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:25 AM

August 25, 2008
Being Back In LaLa Land

...I really appreciate reading about the seven most ~~retarded~~mentally-challenged ways that celebrities attempt to go green.

These were all funny at the time, but it's nice to see a well-annotated compendium.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:34 PM

August 20, 2008
I'll Get Right On It

Florida is apparently a haven for ambulance chasers, because there are always a lot of ads on television by lawyers trolling for victims (though now that I think about it, this may have been a national one, because it was on Fox News, which I get via satellite). I just heard one for some kind of medication that said, "If you or your loved one died after taking this stuff, call us right now."

OK, so if I died, what am I, supposed to channel John Edwards?

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:33 PM

August 15, 2008
"Give We Shall Meet"

That's the subject of a spam email I got this morning. It's from "kenon nader" Here are the entire contents: "Greetings, how are you doing? Give we shall meet"

No link to a web site, just a return email address of someone at "allforchildren.org." And right after typing this, I got another one, same subject and contents, from "duff shiahn-w <assessoriaadm@lo.unisal.br>"

What is the point of this stupidity?

[Update in the late afternoon]

Apparently it's a buffer overflow attack trojan. I don't think it works very well with Thunderbird, given that I have Javascript disabled (which is why I didn't see the script). And my blog is now numero uno on Google for "give we shall meet."

[Update a couple minutes later]

Here's more info.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:37 AM

August 14, 2008
The Jokes

...they almost write themselves. The headline itself is wonderful:

Giant inflatable turd escapes moorings and brings down electricity line

Read the last line, too.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:56 AM

August 09, 2008
Random Saturday Morning Thought

You know you're an Internet troll when you get complaints from the moderator at /dev/null.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:32 AM

July 18, 2008
Don't You Just Hate It

...when your dad robs the pizza parlor where you work?

Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:12 AM

July 14, 2008
I'm Not Sure I Want To Know

How do you cut off your own head with a chainsaw? You've got to think that he bypassed some safety features...

Posted by Rand Simberg at 02:20 PM

July 10, 2008
Now This Has Potential

We can capture a powerful greenhouse gas and store energy at the same time. Just imagine pastures full of this.

It has squirrel undies beat hands down. Errr...so to speak.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 03:10 PM

July 09, 2008
And People Say That Things Aren't Improving

It's a wondrous age in which we live in (to paraphrase Paul McCartney), that has underpants for squirrels.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:16 AM

July 01, 2008
And Now For Something Completely Different

Behold: subatomic particle plush toys. Hey, it's less than six months until Christmas.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:43 AM

June 08, 2008
Failed Darwin Attempt

First off, let me say that I was not previously aware of a web site called Weird Asia News. But given how many people live in Asia (and how generally weird the place is, at least to non-Asians), it's an obvious and probably abundant source for such stuff.

Anyway, here's a fun one--a Peeping Tom who fell ten stories while trying to video a woman in a shower with a cell phone. And survived.

And naturally, there's an amusing Free Republic thread devoted to the incident.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 03:17 PM

June 06, 2008
More Vampire Rights

Jon Schaff, who started the subject, has what he hopes is the last word. I have to confess being a little lost in the conversation, not having been a Buffy fan.

And if it's the end of the vampire discussion, perhaps it's time we moved on. To zombies.

[Update mid-Friday afternoon]

Well, I should have Googled the subject; we could have saved ourselves a lot of discussion. Here's a Rothbardian treatise on the subject from three years ago:

In The Ethics of Liberty, his great reconciliation of Austrian economics and natural law ethics, Murray Rothbard commented that a new species of beings having "the characteristics, the nature of the legendary vampire, and [that] could only exist by feeding on human blood"(1) would not be entitled to individual rights, regardless of their intelligence, because of their status as deadly enemies of humanity. I wish to discuss this issue in more detail and argue that Rothbard, who was kind of a night owl himself, was unfair to those mysterious creatures. The libertarian theory of justice would in fact easily allow for a peaceful coexistence with vampires.

But of course. Just no non-consensual neck biting.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:00 AM

June 05, 2008
Pressing (Non)Human Rights Issue Du Jour

Do vampires have rights?

Jonah wants to know if an atheist would think that vampires have rights.

I guess that they probably have some rights. I mean, I'm willing to grant them the right to be a vampire. That is, if they want to live forever, turn into a bat occasionally, not show up in mirrors, and avoid sunlight and garlic and crosses, and so on, it's no skin off my nose (or blood out of my neck). But (like some conservatives' view of homosexuals), I'm not willing to grant them a right to indulge in their (un)natural desire to drink blood. Particularly mine. I think that the Christian formulation would be hate the blood sucking, but love the vampire. But of course, this was about what atheists think.

Though if the blood sucking is consensual, it might be all right. But can it really be consensual? I mean, the consent can't be very informed. You can describe what it's like to be a vampire until the cows (and vampires) come home, but is that enough to allow someone to enter into such an arrangement*? It seems like the argument against whether or not someone should have the freedom to sell themselves into slavery. Is it society's business to be regulating consensual blood-sucking activity, given that it has irreversible consequences (other than in the movies)? Perhaps.

The blood sucking aside, though, I don't see (given the limited thought I've given to the proposition) why vampires should have any fewer rights than the rest of us. It certainly seems discriminatory, and a hate crime of the first rank, to think that one has license to stick wooden stakes through their hearts, simply because they're vampires. But if they've been engaged in non-consensual insanguination and vampire recruitment, then it seems as though it would be a preemptive act of self defense, albeit taking the law into one's own hands.

Sorry, fascinating topic, but I think I'm starting to ramble. If I gave it more thought, I might come up with a more coherent treatise.

* Come to think of it, this has some parallels to some conservatives' argument that gays have to "recruit" young boys, because they're unable to procreate. This is a notion that I always thought nonsensical--no one can be "recruited" to be gay unless they're already at least bisexual. I have never been unsure about my sexuality--was approached once when I was fourteen or so, and I wasn't recruited--I was disgusted at the thought.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:22 AM

May 30, 2008
Not Familiar With The Concept

Here's one for the stupid criminal files. We've all heard of putting nylons over your head to conceal your face, but here are a couple mental defectives who robbed a gas station wearing thongs on their heads.

[Via Jonah's Odd Link Gal, who should just get her own blog]

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:27 AM

May 27, 2008
I Hate When That Happens

It's a pretty common occurrence for a little kid to be disappointed when he loses his grip on his balloon, but this is in a different class entirely:

The former paratrooper had hoped his "Big Jump" -- starting 40 kilometers (25 miles) above the Earth's surface -- would set new records for the highest jump, fastest and longest free fall and the highest altitude reached by a man in a balloon.

But those hopes drifted away over the plains of Saskatchewan in Canada when the balloon escaped.

I think he should give up on the balloon thing, and just wait for a rocket ride.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:46 AM

May 14, 2008
Too Much Time On Their Hands

A blog devoted to things younger than John McCain.

[Via Geek Press]

Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:34 AM

May 13, 2008
News You Can't Use

You know, if you really need these job interview tips, they probably won't do you much good, because even if you follow them, you're likely to do something equally or more stupid.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 03:51 PM

May 05, 2008
An Omen?

As Halperin writes, you can't make this kind of thing up:

Hillary Clinton enthusiastically picked a filly named Eight Belles to win the Kentucky Derby and compared herself to the horse. Eight Belles finished second. The winner was the favorite, Big Brown.

Eight Belles collapsed immediately after crossing the finish line, and was euthanized shortly thereafter.

Like Mark, I too have no other comment.

Oh, and while we're on the subject, does Hillary! live in a permanent state of denial and fantasy? Mickey makes a good case.

[Mid-morning update]

Speaking of denial, Jim Geraghty explains (once again, for those who continue to miss the point, or obfuscate it with straw men) that the issue with Wright is not the concern that Obama secretly shares his views (though that is certainly a possibility). It's the judgment, stupid:

In Wright, Obama saw what he wanted to see. He wanted a wise, shrewd, kind, funny, educated man who could show him the ways of the world (and Chicago politics), one who perhaps went a little too far every now and then, but who was overall a good person.

Instead, we see that Wright is a toxic figure, arguing that blacks and whites have different brain structures, that the American government created the AIDS virus for genocidal purposes, that U.S. policy can accurately be called terrorism, that the U.S. Marines can be compared to the Roman soldiers who tortured Jesus, who calls Italians "garlic-noses," who calls the Secretary of State "Condoskeezia" and "Con-damn-nesia", etc.

Here's where the example of Wright is truly disturbing when contemplating an Obama presidency. If Barack Obama looked at Jeremiah Wright and saw only what he wanted to see... how sure can we be that he wouldn't look at say, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and see only what he wanted to see?

Also, as a bonus, some psychoanalysis based on Obama's book. So now both Hillary! and Obama are put on the couch in this post.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 04:49 AM

April 24, 2008
Illegal Legal Weed

What would we do without federal regulators?

Federal alcohol regulators thought differently. They have ordered Dillmann to stop selling beer bottles with caps that say "Try Legal Weed."

While reviewing the proposed label for Dillmann's latest beer, Lemurian Lager, the Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau said the message on the caps he has been using for his five current beers amounts to a drug reference.

In a letter explaining its decision, the agency, which regulates the brewing industry, said the wording could "mislead consumers about the characteristics of the alcoholic beverage."

Because, you know, a bottle of beer is so similar to a joint. I wonder how many bottles you'd have to drink before you really couldn't tell the difference?

Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:52 AM

April 18, 2008
My Bags Are Packed

...and I'm ready to move to Paulville. Abortions will be outlawed there, presumably. But it won't be sending any troops to Iraq.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:53 PM

April 13, 2008
The Wisdom Of Google

If you type in "HALP US BRAK WE R STUK IN SMALL TOWN," it will respond: "Did you mean: HALP US BREAK WE R STUCK IN SMALL TOWN?"

Posted by Rand Simberg at 03:34 PM

April 04, 2008
Are You Happy To See Me?

...or is that just a snake in your pants?

The video is a little difficult to see, but shop owner Rick Preuss say it's clear she's reaching into the cage and stuffing the snake down her pants. He says the woman had been in the store for some time, staking out the cage.
"In some ways, I wish it were this really big snake going down her pants [so you could see it better]. Instead what you see is a quick view from the camera" of the snake pattern, he says.

Well, if he were still around, Freud would say that she has trouser-snake envy.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:00 PM

March 28, 2008
True Love

Was it consensual? Here's a story about a man who enjoyed conjugal relations with a picnic table.

Hope he used a c0nd0m. Those splinters can be rough.

[Update a minutes or so later]

Upon more careful reading, I guess he'll be OK. It's metal.

But still, you don't know who else that picnic table has been with.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 03:37 PM

March 24, 2008
Idiotic Phishing Attempt

I just got an email from the "IRS" with the below content:

We are pleased to inform you that upon reviewing your fiscal activity, we have determined that you are eligible to receive a tax refund of $439,54.
To access the online form for your tax refund, please click here

Your Individual Taxpayer Identification Number: 217 53 3569

Needless to say, that's not my social. I didn't go to the site, but I assume that they ask you to verify the SSN, so they can harvest it. But what kind of moron would be fooled by a letter that doesn't even seem to understand the proper format for numbering in the English language?

Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:24 AM

March 19, 2008
News You Can Use

And just in time for Easter, too. Crucifixion is bad for your health.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:15 PM

I Hate When That Happens

This is really a horrible story, but it's also hard not to laugh at it, and be a human:

A German retiree is taking a hospital to court after she went in for a leg operation and got a new @nus instead, the Daily Telegraph is reporting.

Talk about tearing someone a new one. Ah, the jokes just write themselves.

It's also a lesson that you really need to have an advocate when you go to the hospital, though it's not clear if it would have helped in this case.

[Afternoon update]

And they're off:

"When she's done, she'll have money coming out of the 'wazoo.'"

"Sort of reminds me of what is going to happen in the USA next January 20."
Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:51 AM

March 12, 2008
Only "Suspended"?

Why isn't this guy doing hard time?

Michael Sheridan was stripped of his title as class vice president, barred from attending an honors student dinner and suspended for a day after buying a bag of Skittles from a classmate.

What is the world coming to when people can openly buy and sell candy on a school campus?

I guess his big mistake was paying money for it (you know, like prostitution?):

The policy also prohibits bake sales and other food sales during school hours. The policy does not say anything about students sharing snacks when no money is exchanged.

So, if he'd given it away, things would have been OK. But I have no sympathy. The only way to clean this up is to go after the johns.

You know, I think that someone should write a book about this kind of thing.

[Friday update]

Saved by Mark Levin:

Levin gave out the phone number of the spokesperson for the New Haven school district, but asked his listeners to be civilized about the calling. The civilized part was easy. Getting through was another matter. Within ten minutes of the number's being given out, the New Haven school district's phone system crashed, as did its website.
Within an hour of that, the wheels were already in motion to clear Sheridan's name and restore his and the other student's good standing.

What kind of conservative is he, anyway, coddling criminals like that?

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:46 AM

So Many Questions

How and why does a woman sit on a toilet for two years? How does her "boyfriend" take two years to notice that there's a problem? There's obviously a lot more to this story--what's reported here is merely a tease.

[Late evening update]

As usual, Mark Steyn has the last word:

Whipple said investigators planned to present their report Wednesday to the county attorney, who will determine whether any charges should be filed against the woman's 36-year-old boyfriend.

The boyfriend? What about the bathroom? It's like when Spitzer broke up NY prostitution rings: They never go after the john.

Is a groan really necessary?

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:05 AM

March 08, 2008
What Were They Thinking?

I mean, anyone could have predicted this: John Denver Karaoke Sparks Thai Killing Spree.

But I have to admit, I would have guessed "Thank God I'm A Country Boy" would have been the tune to send him over the edge. Oh, the humanity.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:39 PM

February 27, 2008
Isn't That A Kick In The Pants?

I'm number eight on a Google search for "buttocks."

Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:45 AM

February 14, 2008
Did The Missionaries Finally Get Through To Them?

Gorillas have been photographed in the wild copulating face to face.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 03:06 PM

February 01, 2008
As If It Weren't Bad Enough

Global warming will lead to an increase in zombie attacks.

I blame George Bush.

Fortunately, some of us have been prepared for a while.

[Mid-afternoon update]

Saved by the sun:

The Canadian Space Agency's radio telescope has been reporting Flux Density Values so low they will mean a mini ice age if they continue.
Like the number of sunspots, the Flux Density Values reflect the Sun's magnetic activity, which affects the rate at which the Sun radiates energy and warmth. CSA project director Ken Tapping calls the radio telescope that supplies NASA and the rest of the world with daily values of the Sun's magnetic activity a "stethoscope on the Sun." In this case, however, it is the "doctor" whose health is directly affected by the readings.

This is because when the magnetic activity is low, the Sun is dimmer, and puts out less radiant warmth. If the Sun goes into dim mode, as it has in the past, the Earth gets much colder.

Take that, undead!

Zombies and vampires. Is there any problem the sun can't fix?

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:10 AM

A Brave Man

Eating the canned cheeseburger. With pictures.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:49 AM

January 23, 2008
No Virgins For You

A suicide bomber blew himself up by falling down the stairs.

Well, at least we can be pretty sure that alcohol wasn't involved.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:06 PM

Max Power

OK, amidst my ongoing MT template woes, I want to bring your attention to the nine manliest names in the world. Well, the English-speaking world, anyway. Though some of them are Germanic.

Anyway. I know a man who works (or worked) for British Aerospace named Roger Longstaff. I think that beats most on the list, myself. And it's Anglo-Saxon as all get out.

The post title, of course, is the name that Homer Simpson picked for himself when he decided that he was ashamed of his name (not for anything that he did, though he should have been multiple times over) but when it was used for an embarrassing television character. As he notes, he saw it on a hair dryer.

And yes, I know you're dying to comment on this. I'm working on it.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:50 PM

January 15, 2008
It's That Time Of Year Again

The 2007 Darwin nominees. Found among a lot of other odd links, including the strangest mating habits of animals.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:03 AM

January 10, 2008
Don't You Just Hate It?

...when you run into your wife at the local brothel?

Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:51 PM

Only From Cracked

The five genetic experiments most likely to destroy the world. Not sure whether to categorize this as "Technology and Society," or "Humor." So, I'll just go with "Weird."

[Via Cosmic Log]

Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:02 AM

December 20, 2007
Caption Michael Jackson

Some of these are pretty funny, albeit cruel. I particularly like this comment:

He better get those tiles checked out before he attempts to reenter the atmosphere.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:19 PM

December 17, 2007
A Tale Told By An Idiot

A vegan in Mongolia:

"There wasn't a thing on the table that I could eat" said a frustrated Love. "They kept putting food in front of me, but I kept trying to tell them that I was a vegan. I pointed to the food and said it really loudly and slowly 'vegan, veee-gaaan' but they didn't seem to understand. They just kept encouraging me to eat."
Love's lack of Mongolian language skills coupled with the families lack of English language skills provided the perfect environment for a cultural misunderstanding to take place. And before long the Mongolian family had come to understand that "vegan" meant "sick" and quickly began to set out to find a remedy for their guest's illness.

Oyon left the table for a moment and returned with what appeared to be two recently severed chicken's feet. She then dipped the feet into some of the congealed pig's fat and took Love to a back room where she proceeded to try to spread the substance on her ears in an effort to remedy her sickness.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:07 AM

December 01, 2007
Want To See A Weird Web Site?

Here you go. Particularly this page, about the secret German moon base, from 1942 through 1992.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:16 PM

November 13, 2007
A Darwin Award Nominee

Well, this one sure fails the obituary test:

St. Johns County deputies recently launched an investigation into what they called one of the strangest accidents they've ever seen when a man was found dead after getting stuck in a cat door.

Good ol' Florida.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:06 AM

November 12, 2007
"You'll Put Your Eye Out"

A failed attempt at the Darwin Award:

A 66-year-old man shot himself in both his legs Saturday afternoon while trying to loosen a stubborn lug nut with a 12-gauge shotgun.
The deputies described the man's legs as "peppered" from his feet to his mid-abdomen with pellets, pieces of the wheel and other debris. Some injuries went as far up as his chin.

Surprisingly, no alcohol was involved. Wonder how he adjusts his distributor timing--with a Glock?

Anyway, I think he was just using the wrong tool. He should have used a slug instead of double-ought shot.

"He's bound and determined to get that lug nut off," Wilson said, who did not know how long the man had been trying to free the lug nut.

Apparently.

I suppose now the lawyers at the shotgun manufacturers are going to insist on warning labels on the stock: "Do not use as lug wrench."

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:26 AM

November 06, 2007
Beware Of Falling Cows

I hate when this happens:

A cow fell about 200 feet off a cliff Sunday and landed on the hood of a minivan passing by Rocky Point about one mile east of Manson, officials said.

Especially when it happens to Wolverines.

[Story found and graphic stolen from Free Republic, where more hilarity ensues in the comments]

Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:33 PM

October 11, 2007
I Bet They'll Shack Up First

In the future, people will marry robots. Well, we knew we were headed down a slippery slope with all the gay marriage stuff. I'll bet Massachusetts will be the first state to allow it. The state supreme court will no doubt insist.

Anyway, I, for one, welcome our new robot overladies.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:06 PM

October 05, 2007
I Hate When

...my pants catch fire at the airport.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:16 AM

October 01, 2007
"I Just Flew In To Moscow..."

"...and boy, are my arms tired." Brings a whole new meaning to the old joke:

After clinging on for the entire 1300-kilometer (808-mile) flight to Vnukovo Airport, the boy, named Andrei, collapsed onto the tarmac. His arms and legs were so severely frozen that rescuers were at first unable to remove his coat and shoes, the radio station said.

What in the world did he grab on to, at 400+ knots? I wouldn't think that there would be much to give him a hand hold on a 737 wing, particularly in flight, once it had been trimmed out for cruise. In the wheel well, I could believe, but not on the wing.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:44 AM

September 13, 2007
Determination

And now for something completely different: a man who committed suicide with a home-built guillotine.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:31 AM

September 11, 2007
An American "Peace" Protester

...has murdered a Dutchman. That will teach those people about supporting wars.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:22 PM

September 09, 2007
Eerie And Frightening

I've never believed in ghosts, but this seems like pretty compelling proof to me.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:35 AM

September 07, 2007
Hold Mah Beer

Behold--batteries that are recharged by peeing on them. While I can't imagine it being that popular a product in general, I've gotta think that more men than women will buy them, for at least two reasons.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:33 AM

September 04, 2007
Darwin Nominee

Here's what happens when you make a spud gun with black powder as a propellant. Don't try this at home, or anywhere else, kids.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:20 AM

August 29, 2007
Wednesday Night Amusement Post

A relatively recent instant classic at Free Republic, with over 2000 responses, and still counting. The graphics are great.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:08 PM

August 19, 2007
Crikey!

An Australian rancher survived almost a week of being treed by crocs.

When I read some of the other survival stories in the article, I wondered if I would have made it myself under similar circumstances. I hope I never have the opportunity to find out.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 03:58 PM

August 17, 2007
Sorry About That

A tribe of cannibals has apologized for eating Methodist missionaries.

All right, then, but don't do it again.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:16 AM

August 16, 2007
Feeling Left Out

Why hasn't this guy sued me yet?

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:51 AM

July 31, 2007
Lileks Would Have A Field Day

...with these creepy old ads.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:16 AM

July 25, 2007
How Will I Keep Up With Bat Boy's Antics?

No one except the Weekly World News would cover him, and they're shutting down the publication. The New York Times stays in business, and the WWN goes under. What a crazy world we live in.

Maybe they can keep the tradition alive on the web. I had previously been unaware that they were based in Boca Raton. Maybe I'll drop by to express my condolences.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:53 AM

July 16, 2007
This Won't Be A Problem In Space Hotels

Dolphin voyeurs:

Another top designer, Herve Jaubert of Dubai-based Exomos, told Bloomberg his clients wrestled "with how to conduct a deep-sea love affair in front of an observation window without creating an underwater paparazzi".

Ah, the problems of the rich.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:04 AM

July 11, 2007
"The Foaming Dutchman"

Here's a funny Free Republic thread about a diver's ghost story. Keep an eye out for Tourist Guy.

And I don't think it's at all unexplainable why one might be apprehensive about a cave dive. You'd be kind of nuts not to be.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:12 AM

June 29, 2007
Oh, Well That's All Right, Then

Nowak's attorney says she wasn't wearing diapers.

What difference does it make? I guess maybe there's a tiny chance that this could put a jury over the edge, but it doesn't seem very relevant to me. But maybe NASA PAO will be slightly relieved.

[Saturday morning update]

Maybe the theory is that if the diapers don't fit, you must acquit.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:36 PM

June 25, 2007
Really Stupid Criminal Tricks

That great philosopher, Hank Hill, once said something to the effect that "tattoos and piercings are a great societal advance. They let you know, at a glance, that some folks just aren't right."

Here's an excellent example of his wisdom.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 03:25 PM

June 14, 2007
The Bare Essentials

There seems to be a small epidemic of people driving in their birthday suits. You may or may not be astonished to learn that in at least one case, alcohol was involved.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:36 AM

May 23, 2007
Disappointment

Dang.

The breast-feeding fatwa has been withdrawn. No milk for me!

Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:54 AM

May 22, 2007
Got Milk?

Thinking back over the years, I can think of some, in fact many women of which this would be a suitable condition of co-working with them. But not all of them, no, not all.

Just in case you thought that some tenets of Islam weren't wacky enough. I should note though, that the story indicates that it's a controversial issue, even within Islam.

[Via tracker of all weird things Islamic]

[Update a minutes later]

Only semi-related, but LGF also has the story on the effects of Nancy's excellent Damascus adventure on Syrian dissidents. Hint: it ain't pretty:

Mr. al-Bunni is a slight, nervous-looking man, a tireless polymath who, aside from his work defending scores of political prisoners, has helped to found a center offering training in human rights, and has drafted a new constitution for Syria. Last year, he invited a handful of foreign reporters to his home to show them his proposed new constitution, and waved his hands excitedly as he outlined his ideas about what a democratic transition in Syria might look like, how potential power-sharing arguments among Syria’s many ethnic and religious groups could be anticipated and solved.
But Syria’s would-be Thomas Jefferson is in the infamous Adra prison now, and he is known to have been tortured.

Thanks, Nance!

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:10 AM

May 17, 2007
Equal Time

It's not just military funerals any more. The excrement in human form who worship the vile Fred Phelps will be protesting Jerry Falwell's funeral. Apparently he wasn't hateful enough for them.

I sure wouldn't protest their funerals. I'd celebrate them.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:51 PM

May 07, 2007
A Question For The Corner

Why do Corner permalinks have such loooooonnnngggg URLs? Here's the one for Derb's latest "Darwinism" post:

http://corner.nationalreview.com/post/
?q=OTNkZTFkMDdmZTE5ZTc4MDE5ZTVmNTNiZGUzNTBmMjY=

Do you want to ensure uniqueness of them to the end of history? If so, that's real farsightedness. By my count, with that "q=whatever" parameter, you can provide 62^43rd unique post IDs (upper/lower case plus the ten digits, with 43 characters). We know you Corner guys (and gals) can be prolific, but consider that this may be overkill. Unless there's something going on that requires a unique fixed field length up front, it is possible to do it by simply going sequential (I'm only up to 9000 or so on my blog). I haven't done the math, but I suspect that with your scheme, you could assign an ID to every particle in the known universe, with more than a few left over. The sun would start to dim long before you got out to even the twentieth field for your post IDs.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:19 AM

May 01, 2007
He Just Lost My Vote

Mitt Romney's favorite novel is Battlefield Earth. Well, at least he didn't say it was his favorite movie.

[Update in the afternoon]

I agree with Glenn. The guy who likes this book would be my pick.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:26 AM

April 26, 2007
Is There Anything They Can't Do?

Hugh Grant is reported to have attacked a paparazzi with a tub of baked beans.

Let me be the second to declare this Bush's fault.

(The first was over at Free Republic, which has an amusing thread on the topic.)

[Late afternoon update]

It occurs to me that they just have to crack down on baked bean sales, and close the 'bean-show loophole." And who would have thought that such an atrocious incident would have occurred in the peaceful United Kingdom?

Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:46 AM

April 10, 2007
Houston, We Have A Kink

Apparently, in addition to the diapers, Commander Nowak's car had b0ndage photos in it.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:26 PM

March 15, 2007
Father Of The Year Award?

Probably not:

A man accused of stabbing his 11-month-old son in the back, then throwing the wounded boy out the window of a parked car was still on the loose Thursday, a day after the stabbing, police said.

Hey, at least the car was parked. Give the guy a break!

Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:17 AM

March 11, 2007
Probably Not What They Were Looking For

I'm currently number five on Google for the search "Anna Nicole's T1ts."

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:32 AM

March 08, 2007
Maybe It's On An Atkins Diet

You know, I'm not a vegetarian, but I generally restrict my carnivorousness to vegetarian animals. Well, I guess I'll have to rethink my love of beef. Behold--a cow that eats chickens.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:51 AM

March 05, 2007
Weird Referrer Log

I'm number two on Google for the word "bupmed."

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:03 AM

February 07, 2007
Sure He Is

Ted Haggard says that he now realizes that he's completely heterosexual. Guess he's just one of those complete heterosexuals who likes to get in on with guys occasionally.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:43 AM

February 03, 2007
Wookies Gone Wild

Don't mess with Chewbacca.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:04 AM

January 24, 2007
How Howard Dean Got His Start?

And now for something completely different: a four-year-old boy who kills chickens by screaming:

A villager was quoted as saying the little boy bent over the henhouse window, screaming for a long time, after being scared by the dog.
"One neighbour told police that he had heard the boy's crying that afternoon and another villager confirmed the boy screaming by the henhouse window," the newspaper said.

A court ruled the boy's screaming was "the only unexpected abnormal sound" and that 443 chickens trampled each other to death in fear.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:33 AM

January 15, 2007
Amazing

This is one of the dumbest things I've read in a long time:

The investigation determined that Hill and Duque had not been drinking before their fatal dive. One of their untrained tenders reported having one beer, while another reported drinking three beforehand.
"The problem here was that the recreational activity was taking place at the same time as an operational activity that involves risk and specialized training," Wurster said.

"It was the combination of the two things that lends an air to the whole accident event," he said.

The Healy was sailing through the Arctic with about 35 scientists to collect data that would help them map the ocean floor. Hill was the ship's dive officer, as well as the liaison between the scientists and the crew.

As is generally the case in these things, everything went wrong, and just one thing going right would have saved them. How could a ship's dive officer be so stupid as to overload with unjettisonable weights? At least, unless they were on a mix, they probably narced out pretty quickly at that depth and temperature, at which point they were feeling no pain.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:06 AM

January 10, 2007
Well, That Sucks

A Navy sub got pulled into the bottom of a speeding oil tanker in the Straight of Hormuz:

That is the preliminary finding of Monday's collision between the Norfolk-based submarine and the Mogamigawa, a 1,100-foot-long merchant ship displacing 300,000 tons.
Both were southbound, crossing the busy and narrow Strait of Hormuz while heading into the Arabian Sea.

"As the ship passed over the sub, it ended up sucking the submarine into it," said Lt. Cmdr. Chris Loundermon, a spokesman for Submarine Force in Norfolk.

"It is a principle called the venturi effect," he said.

I'll bet the sub skipper's got a lot of 'splaining to do.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:43 AM

Competitive Job Market

Boy, he must have really wanted the job.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:03 AM

December 26, 2006
What Is It About Boxing Day?

On the second anniversary of the tsunami in south Asia, they get another scare.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:37 AM

December 22, 2006
Whatever Happened To Singles Bars?

This is one h0rny woman:

A 29-year-old woman allegedly forged documents and assumed the identity of an Annapolis attorney, apparently for the sole purpose of having sex with an inmate at a Baltimore prison.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:03 PM

Evolution In Action

Fortunately, she didn't take anyone with her. Behold, a woman who killed herself putting on makeup behind the wheel:

"There was makeup all over the air bag," said a police source.
Open containers of cosmetics also were found in the front seat, the source said.

Perez was driving a 2005 black Mitsubishi northbound on the parkway about 7 a.m. when she veered off the road by a bend where the Henry Hudson turns into the Saw Mill River Parkway, police said.

Alone in the car and not wearing a seatbelt, Perez careened over 200 feet of grass before hitting a tree, authorities said.

I suspect that she raised the average IQ of New York City, and the rest of the world, too. Not sure whether it rates a Darwin, though, it doesn't say whether or not she'd bred.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:58 AM

Withholding Evidence

Here's a weird case. A man is refusing to have a bullet removed from his head, because it may help convict him of the crime in which he allegedly received it. It's certainly a novel legal theory by his lawyers, but given the precedence of breathalizers and having to pee in a cup, I don't think they have a legal leg to stand on.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:52 AM

December 19, 2006
Truth In Advertising

I just got a st0ck spam with the subject "spam special."

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:37 AM

What A Way To Go

I guess that this is a case of the fan hitting the sh1t.

Gilroy police Sgt. Kurt Svardal said authorities have no idea where the plane was from or where it was going. The aircraft came pretty much straight down into a holding tank filled with raw sewage at a sewage treatment facility. It was too dangerous for even a dive team to go into the water and check for bodies or the tail number of the plane, which would indicate who owned it and where it was from.
The tank is about 20 feet deep and will have to be drained before police can determine if anyone is inside.

Don't sign me up for that accident investigation. Reportedly, a very large number of last words from pilots on voice recorders is "Sh!t!" There's no voice recorder on this plane, but I wouldn't be surprised if the pilot used that word, in this case literally.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:22 AM

December 18, 2006
Hug A Muslim

...for Rudolf:

A Jersey Evening Post journalist is making a late bid to reach the top of the charts this Christmas by dressing as a reindeer and urging the nation to "hug a Muslim".
In the video, Lewis, who has no previous musical experience, sings: "Turn to the person next to you now and give them a hug. Muslim, Hindu, Christian or Jew — hug a Muslim this Christmas."

Don't squeeze too hard, though--sometimes they explode.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:13 AM

Whatever Happened To Alarm Clocks?

What kind of person would pay someone to shove wasabi up their nose? I'd have trouble getting to sleep if I had to look forward to that in the morning.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:00 AM

December 15, 2006
Wacky Headline Contest

Let's have a vote. Which is more surreal:

"Wisconsin Man Runs Over, Eats Seven-Legged Transgendered Deer," or "World's Tallest Man Saves Plastic Eating Dolphins"?

Boy, the copy editors must have had a blast with those.

That last one is kind of ambiguous. I think that "plastic eating" should be hyphenated. As written, one could interpret it as the man was saving plastic while it was eating dolphins, or that he was saving plastic while he was eating dolphins. Neither of which is the actual story.

I used to have an hilarious book of journalism bloopers, including miswritten headlines. The book's title was "Milk Drinkers Turn To Powder." It included the classic from the Jimmy Carter era, on one of his speeches: "More Mush From The Wimp."

Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:38 PM

December 13, 2006
Virtual Crime, Real Punishment

Germany is going to jail people for video game violence. Will they also send them off to reeducation camps?

Expect some loony legislator to attempt to do the same thing here.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:35 AM

November 16, 2006
Necrobestiality?

Is having amorous relations with a deceased ungulate a crime? Should it be?

The lawyer of a man accused of carnal activity with a dead deer says no, at least to the first question (registration may be required).

Hathaway called it a dead deer, Boughner said, not a carcass.
“It did not lose its essence as a deer, an animal, when it died,” he said.

Anderson argued that the statute, which falls under the heading “crimes against sexual morality,” was meant to protect animals. That would be unnecessary in the case of a dead animal.

“If you look at the other crimes that are in this subsection, they all protect against something other than simply things we don’t like or things we find disgusting,” he said.

Other crimes in that subsection include incest, bigamy, public fornication and lewd and lascivious behavior.

Boughner said the focus of the statute was on punishing the human behavior, not protecting animals.

“It does not seem to draw a line between the living and the dead,” he said.

Interpreting the statute to exclude dead animals would also exclude freshly killed animals, Boughner said. That, he said, could lead to people who commit such acts with animals to kill them.

What would we do without lawyers? The judge will need the wisdom of Solomon for this one.

But what kind of perv would even want to do this? Hey, maybe it had a nice rack (yuk, yuk)...

And of course, this raises the usual question. Was it in fact, a male, or female?

(Punchline answer: "Female of course! What do you think, I'm queer?")

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:44 AM

October 25, 2006
I Don't Exist

At least according to this web site, which says that there are zero people with the first name Rand, and zero people with the last name Simberg, in the US.

HowManyOfMe.com

There are:
0
people with my name
in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

This implies, of course, there are also zero people with both. I guess I'll just have to disappear in a puff of logic.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:10 AM

October 20, 2006
After Sixty-Seven Years, Revenge!

The Polish Coast Guard has fired on a German cruise ship.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:00 PM

September 16, 2006
Hey, No One Claimed He Was A Good One

The burglar that was strangled by a nurse in her home a few days ago was a hit man.

...after an investigation, police now say the intruder Kuhnhausen strangled was apparently a hit man hired by her estranged husband -- Michael James Kuhnhausen Sr. -- to kill her.
The 58-year-old husband was taken into custody Thursday and charged with conspiracy to commit murder and attempted murder. He was ordered held on $500,000 bail.

Haffey had worked as a custodian under Kuhnhausen at an adult video store, according an affidavit filed by the Multnomah County District Attorney's office.

Guess his new profession didn't work out all that well. Gotta hate when the wacker becomes the wackee. And as for the husband, just goes to show what happens when you go for the low bid.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:24 PM

September 14, 2006
Tragedy Of The Century

I just heard on the teevee that Anna Nicole Smith has suffered from a mammary loss.

The poor woman. First her son dies, and now this. The only thing that she had going for her, really, was her mammarian endowment. How will she get through life now?

[whisper, whisper]

What?

[whisper]

A memory loss?

Ummmm...

Never mind.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 02:52 PM

August 28, 2006
Can He Parallel Park?

You know, when you have a world of several billion people, with folks on the tail ends of all kinds of distributions, something like this is bound to happen:

A woman in Hohhot, the capital of north China's Inner Mongolia region, crashed her car while giving her dog a driving lesson, the official Xinhua News Agency said Monday.

Jonah Goldberg has further, related, but (non)edifying thoughts.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:17 PM

Get Cindy Sheehan This Guy's Number

Behold, a man who eats only sunlight. Plenty of it down in Crawford.

I think that the buttermilk is cheating myself, but it would still be a harsher regimen than Mother Sheehan's current one of fasting on malts.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 03:04 PM

August 23, 2006
I'll Let Others Comment On This

Behold, a tongue made from a tuchus.

Medicine continues to advance. I think.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:56 AM

August 21, 2006
The Tehran And Gaza Franchises Should Be Lucrative

Probably won't do that well in Brighton Beach or Boca, though.

Behold, the Hitler-themed restaurant.

Maybe they could make a Broadway musical about it. Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "soup Nazi."

[Update on Monday evening]

Per the comment section, can anyone come up with a menu for the (obviously) much worse George Bush Cafe? Instead of a swastika, it would have the Halliburton corporate symbol, of course.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:14 AM

And Now For Something Completely Different

A man with two penes.

I expect Trojan endorsement offers any day now.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:09 AM

August 20, 2006
At Last

Elizabeth Wolff has to have been waiting years to write this phrase:

Bill Clinton is a sexagenerian.

Warning, though. Have a barf bag ready for the praise from his fans.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:47 PM

August 15, 2006
Hold Mah Beer...

Missed the Darwin Award by this much:

His girlfriend said Spangler decided to duct tape the large firework to the old football helmet. He then put on the helmet and ignited it.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:13 PM

August 11, 2006
Hope He Didn't Breed

Here's a pretty spectacular Darwin Award finalist--a man who took a sledgehammer to a grenade. No apparent big loss, but sadly, he badly injured a co-worker as well.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:28 AM

August 09, 2006
But What About Football Season?

The world is going to end in less than two weeks. Well, at least if Islamist nutballs have anything to say about it. I was going to put this down as war commentary, but I think I'll stick to "Weird."

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:36 PM

August 01, 2006
Unlucky Criminal Tricks

I hate when that happens.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:28 PM

July 19, 2006
Bon Appetit

A disgusting culinary tour.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:23 PM

July 17, 2006
All Hail The Internet

...without which we would never have known just how many cats there are out there that look like Hitler.

[Via Geek Press]

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:44 AM

July 14, 2006
Meteorite Magnet

Boy, Norway seems to be getting a lot of hits lately.

You know, if one of these things were to hit Damascus, or Teheran, or Mecca right now, no one would believe that the Israelis didn't do it.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:56 AM

July 06, 2006
Moonbat Engineering

Even for Democratic Underground, this is pretty amazing.

Hint: among many other things, the fire was contained within the structure, with much higher temperatures.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:09 AM

June 29, 2006
Pumped

OK, I'm busy, but never too busy to post something like this:

Former Judge Donald D. Thompson, a veteran of 23 years on the bench, is on trial on charges he used a p3nis pump on himself in the courtroom while sitting in judgment of others.
Over the past few days, the jurors have watched a defense attorney and a prosecutor pantomime m@sturbation. A doctor has lectured on the lengths the defendant was willing to go to enhance his s3xual performance.

The white-handled s3xual device sits before the jury box for hours at a time. Occasionally an attorney picks it up and squeezes the handle, demonstrating the "sh-sh" sound of air rushing through the contraption's plastic tubing.

This has to be one of the most pathetic trials in judicial history.

I know you'll be shocked to hear this, but the Freepers are having fun with this story:

"Approach the bench" has never sounded so scary.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 02:31 PM

June 22, 2006
Must Have Been Running Vista Beta

Behold, an exploding Dell laptop. Makes me a little nervous to take mine on a plane, now.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:08 PM

Weird Referral Du Jour

This web site is the number one return for a Google search of Darrin Kagan.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 04:37 PM

June 19, 2006
What Was She Thinking (If Indeed She Was)?

I never understood why Connie Chung had any kind of job in the news industry, but this, an apparent adieu to MSNBC (whence she just got canceled, and where does one go from there?) makes me wonder how many bottles of hooch she had to down before she allowed it to be captured digitally, forever.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:44 PM

June 15, 2006
Tear Jerker

Here's a story about a deer that (supposedly) befriended a dying cat:

Margie Scott was devastated when her 9-year-old cat Sammy was diagnosed with kidney failure, but she never could have predicted what would give her comfort during her pet’s last days...
... A family of deer regularly visits the complex, and one day, Sammy was sitting outside in the grass when two young deer happened by...

... For several minutes, the young deer licked the small cat. Scott grabbed her camera and got a picture of the tender scene.

“It was amazing,” she said. “I truly believe the deer was able to sense that there was something wrong with Sammy and that was why he started licking him, like he was trying to nurture him.”

OK, dry your eyes.

Now for the science. I'll bet that the cat's kidney problems were causing it to excrete excess salt from its pores. It was a walking, dying salt lick.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 02:38 PM

June 04, 2006
Don't Wave That Thing At Me

The Germans are afraid of toy airplanes.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:10 AM

May 30, 2006
Disturbing

I'm number three on a Google search for "wife s3x gropies."

No, I didn't find this by searching on those terms. It was in my referrer logs.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 02:56 PM

What Is Wrong With These People?

Anyone who would want to do this just seems like an alien being to me. Of course, I never understood mosh pits, either.

But then, maybe the wikipedia entry explains it:

In many Western cultures, there are very few outlets for a youth's natural inclination toward violence...

That's why it is alien to me. I have never in my life, not as a kid, not as an adolescent, not now, had a "natural inclination toward violence." I don't even like to squish bugs (except the computer kinds). Perhaps I'm "unnatural."

And in rereading the article, it makes me wonder about the perspicacity of the people involved:

"You get to be a superhero for a night," Klimanis said. "We have to go to work every day. We're constantly told to buy things we don't need, and just for a couple hours we have the freedom to do what we want to do."

He's "told every day to buy things he doesn't need." Really? If so, so what? Is someone holding a gun to his head? Has he no willpower? Is his house filled with things that he bought via this mindwashing? Is his only recourse to advertising and having to make a living to go out and beat people up?

What a maroon.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 02:20 PM

Monty Python

...springs to life in England:

Single Paul, of St Leonards, East Sussex, told how he yelled that he would report the railman — only for him to reply: “Don’t be stupid. You want it.”
He said: “When the train stopped I ran out and down the platform. But he came after me and grabbed me on the shoulder again.

“He told me there was a gents toilet over the bridge and asked me to go there with him.

I'm shocked. I'd been told that the British rail industry had the aggressive poof ticket taker problem completely under control.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:49 AM

May 24, 2006
Boo Boo Dead Dead

Why didn't George Bush do something to prevent this tragedy?

Boo Boo, the chicken who was revived after she was found floating face down in the family pond in February, died recently, said owner Jackie Calhoun. The fowl's story was featured on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and the Animal Planet network.
"She had seizures," Calhoun said. "I've come to the conclusion that's what put her in the pond in the first place."

The legend lives on, though:

"We incubated one of her eggs, and it hatched," Calhoun said. "The chick has black and white markings like Boo Boo's."

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:43 AM

Joan And Butterfly

...sitting in a tree. K I S S I N...well, OK, maybe not. But they are sitting in a tree.

Really.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:18 AM

April 25, 2006
Here Is A Web Site

...that I fervently wish didn't exist. The fact that it does says something very disturbing about the human (and perhaps Vulcan) race.

[Via that disgusting pervert Treacher]

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:49 PM

April 16, 2006
Don't You Hate It When

...your aircraft hangar fills up with fire-retardant foam?

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:23 AM

April 13, 2006
Don't Mess With The Hammer

When I saw the headline on this story about Rep. Kennedy's recent injury, I thought that Tom Delay had finally gotten fed up with him.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:37 AM

Gee, Wally

...you're really old. Tony Dow turns sixty one today. Frightening.

What's even more so is that some of my younger readers may have no idea what this post is about.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:49 AM

April 12, 2006
Gruesome

I'm just wondering, in terms of psychological disorders, is this related to this? Is the desire to be castrated a variation (or a form of) apotemnophilia? Or is it something more kinky (if that's possible)?

Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:12 PM

April 05, 2006
Well, That Sucks

A woman who forgot to put on her seat belt, or close her sun roof during a tornado, was sucked out of her car and deposited three hundred feet away.

Only three hundred feet? Sorry, that's far short of the new recently set record.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:16 PM

April 04, 2006
Note To Self

Do not use a live 40-mm round as a paperweight:

Part of a teacher's hand was blown off when a 40 millimeter round the instructor used as a paperweight on his desk exploded in his classroom.
Robert Colla struck the round with an object Tuesday afternoon while teaching 20 to 25 students at the Ventura Adult Education Center.

What was the class, training to become the village idiot?

[Update the next evening]

Another note to self: do not use a 40 mm round as a flyswatter.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:11 PM

March 31, 2006
What The World Has Been Awaiting

A malodorous canine flatulence minimizer.

But then, who would we blame it on when we have guests over? The cat? The barking spiders?

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:00 AM

March 24, 2006
Vulcan Hobbits

Here's a clip of a truly tragic moment in pop culture history. It is, as noted, very disturbing.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:06 AM

March 23, 2006
Quite A Ride

Here's the story of a teenager who was carried a quarter of a mile by a tornado, and lived to tell the tale:

Grazulis said 300 to 400 feet was about the limit in order to survive a tornado-toss. One 9-year-old girl and her pony survived a 1,000-foot flight in 1955, but this was the longest previously known distance, he said.
“People who get tossed a quarter of a mile get killed in the air or in the fall or were dead when they were lifted up,” Grazulis said.

I think that we should make the tornado toss an Olympic event.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:07 AM

At Least It's Not A Barking Spider

A Dutch family is being taxed for a barking doorbell:

''Last year it was a huge effort to convince the inspector that we didn't have a dog, and now it's happened again,'' Gerrit Bruintjes was quoted as saying by RTL Nieuws.
In the Netherlands, dog owners are required to pay the ''hondenbelasting,'' an infamous annual tax that is frequently evaded.

Actually, I think that "barkingspider" would be a great blog name. Or as a plural, a band name.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:55 AM

March 17, 2006
And Now For Something Completely Different

A man has sex with a hog. Freepers comment, with hilarious results.

At least he didn't fling his schlong (try saying that three times fast) at it.

[Update a couple minutes later]

What a shame.

The Free Republic moderator pulled the thread.

Oh, well. My comments section is still open. Just to get it rolling, I call porkback mountain.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:20 AM

Was Alcohol Involved?

This guy had to be either severely over, or undermedicated:

Fik, 33, cut off his own p3nis during a Northwest Side rampage Wednesday morning. When confronted by police, Fik hurled several knives and his severed organ at the officers, police said. Officers stunned him with a Taser and took him into custody.

Let the japery commence!

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:46 AM

March 16, 2006
Cowabunga!

Beware of flying female bovines.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:13 PM

March 15, 2006
I Can't Read It

I almost threw my eyeballs out of their sockets in a wrenching attempt to avert my eyes from this article. Oh, well, at least it's not about losing my male parts.

That would be harder yet. Errr...so to speak.

[Via Paul Hsieh (MD, who usually doesn't come up with as yucky stuff as this.)]

Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:54 PM

March 13, 2006
His Lucky Day

<VOICE=Homer Simpson>Ummmmm...Velveeta...

Ggghhhaaarrrgghhhhggg.</VOICE>

Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:38 PM

February 24, 2006
A Girly Man

That's what they found to play the latest James Bond:

An insider is quoted in Britain's Daily Star newspaper as saying: "They've started shooting here and are using the old DB5, which is absolutely sensational. It was shipped over and was ready to go but then we found out he can't drive a manual car.
"So we have had to adapt it so it's like an automatic. You don't expect that with James Bond, to be honest."

Last year, Craig admitted he is struggling to overcome his biggest fear to play Bond - he's terrified of guns.

Who'll be the next one? Boy George?

Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:49 AM

February 22, 2006
Child Abuse

And now for something completely different--a family that names their kids after presidents.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:47 PM

A Whole New Meaning To "Air Guitar"

I think we have a finalist for the Darwin Awards, here:

The 16-year-old business student, from China, was "hyped up with exhilaration" when he rebounded off the bed and out of the window, coroner Tan Boon Heng told the Straits Times newspaper.
“He was jumping up and down on the bed placed against an open window while imitating a rock guitarist,” Mr Tan said...

...The boys apparently kept the window open because they liked to smoke, even though it was banned by the hostel.

And another tobacco-related death as well.

[Update in the late afternoon]

A wag at Free Republic notes that the pavement was his first, and last, hit.

Jokes aside, condolences to the family and friends.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:15 AM

February 21, 2006
Domesticity

In this corner, we have a hot-blooded (though it remains unclear whether she was hot) Argentinian woman who stabbed her husband for not having s3x with her. And further north, in the Sunshine State, a man beats his male roommate to death with a clawhammer (and a sledge hammer--apparently he thought he really needed to be hammered) for running out of toilet paper.

I guess that there are some cautionary tales here, somewhere, but as that great philosopher, Homer Simpson, once said, sometimes there is no moral to the story. Sometimes it's just a bunch of stuff that happened.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:07 AM

February 15, 2006
Is That A Lobster In Your Pants?

Or are you just happy to see me?

He's lucky--the Australian bugs don't have claws.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:53 PM

Now That's Reporting

Lara Bricker digs into the international moose cheese industry.

My sister milked a moose once, but it bit her.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:18 AM

February 09, 2006
Darwin Award Attempt

What kind of idiot would have a pet lionfish and not know how dangerous it is?

Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:20 PM

February 08, 2006
Not Interested

And speaking of Swedes, everyone knows that Swedish women are hot, right?

Well, these guys don't seem to think so:

Six gay penguins at a German zoo are still refusing to mate with females of the species flown in from Sweden in 2005, the zoo said on Wednesday.

But this was the funniest part:

The initiative to "turn" the penguins and make them mate had prompted a furious response from gay rights groups.
In a statement posted on its Internet website, the zoo on Wednesday sought to defend itself from fresh criticism.

"We will be delighted if the penguins form even one heterosexual couple and manage to produce first an egg, and then a little one," it said.

"But of course we accept the male couples that have formed and we are not trying to enforce heterosexuality, as we were accused of doing last year."

Will the oppression of gay penguins, and suppression of their natural orientation, never end?

Posted by Rand Simberg at 02:27 PM

January 07, 2006
Maybe He Can Tell Us About Warp Drives

I've always thought that Ted Kennedy lived in an alternate universe, but now he admits it:

Briefly, Kennedy rewrote the outcome of the 1964 election. "This nominee was influenced by the Goldwater presidency," he said. "The Goldwater battles of those times were the battles against the civil rights laws." Only then did Kennedy acknowledge that "Judge Alito at that time was 14 years old."

Harry Turtledove ought to hire him for some new story ideas.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:30 PM

December 30, 2005
It Doesn't Know When To Quit

I guess we'll go back to Boca tomorrow and put up the shutters. So, will this be a 2005, or 2006 storm? It's not in either's hurricane season. I guess they must consider it 2005, since they named it Zeta, rather than Alberto, the "A" storm for next year.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:03 AM

December 21, 2005
News You Can Use

The most popular dog and cat names from 2005.

What happened to the old perennials "Rover" and "Fido"?

And "Max"? For dogs and cats both?

What's that all about?

Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:21 PM

Call Of The Wild

A moose was attracted to the plaintive sounds of a teenager's saxophone.

At least that's what the story says. Question to the copy editor who wrote the headline, though--who taught the moose's son to play the sax? It reminds me of the old joke that Groucho told about shooting an elephant in his pajamas.

Here's a contest, for the best guess at what the song was. Somehow I doubt if it was "Embraceable You..."

Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:45 PM

December 16, 2005
All's Fair In Love

In this corner, we have a woman who attempted to get her rival's hair to fall out. And over here, a fiance who fed his betrothed boiled rats.

Yum, yum.

They apparently didn't agree with her.

Well, in a world with this many people...

Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:58 PM

December 15, 2005
Oedipus Yucks

On the Internet, not only can no one tell you're a dog--no one can tell that you're his mother.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:24 PM

December 07, 2005
Had They Been Depressed?

Beware of falling deer.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:57 AM

December 02, 2005
Speaking Of King Kong

Two women were handed pink slips for refusing to flash their mammaries at a gorilla.

Remember this whenever you think your job is bad.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:54 AM

November 30, 2005
Darwin Award Contestant

Actually, it doesn't say whether or not he had descendants, but one would guess not.

It's hard to believe that alcohol wasn't involved. The story doesn't say whether he won. One more reason to be embarrassed to be a Floridian.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:12 AM

November 29, 2005
Mother Of The Year

Not.

A mother has been charged with trying to poison her adult daughter and her daughter's family after allegedly pouring bleach into their macaroni and cheese on Saturday night.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:09 AM

November 28, 2005
Life Imitates...Advertising

Ronald McDonald was nabbed stealing from Wendy's. No, really.

Well, now we know the identity of the Hamburgler. I guess.

[Update]

And of course, the inevitable related thread at Free Republic, in which he is righteously mocked:

Nothing like swift justice to deal with these clowns...

Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:07 PM

November 14, 2005
Seems Superfluous To Me

If one is to believe the Hindustani Times (and hey, who wouldn't?!), Angelina Jolie resorted to black magic to woo Brad Pitt away from Jennifer Aniston.

I've got to think that something else is going on there, myself.

Hey, Angie, I'll watch while you do that voodoo, that you do so well.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:32 PM

November 06, 2005
The Body Is Falling!

"The body is falling!"

Little kids who went to see the new release "Chicken Little" in a New York City theatre instead saw a movie of a young boy hanging himself.

He must have believed Chicken Little.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 02:14 PM

November 02, 2005
Here I Sit...

...all broken hearted. Tried to sit...

...up.

OK, I know it doesn't scan, but the punchline is that he couldn't.

Sit up, that is.

He was glued to the seat.

I hate when that happens (though I think that I would have noticed something amiss long before I got stuck, but perhaps his derrière is less sensitive than mine). He's suing Home Depot, though it's not at all clear that they're at fault. But they have deep pockets, with big bucks. Isn't that the American Way?

As anyone familiar with the site might imagine, Free Republic is having a great time with this. Prescient advice, I suspect:

If he thinks he was humiliated then, wait till HD's lawyers get through with him. Whatta chump!

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:34 PM

October 31, 2005
Extreme Pumpkins

Happy Halloween.

[Via GeekPress]

Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:56 AM

September 29, 2005
Her Heart Doesn't Belong To Daddy

If this is really her name, it's a good way to cash in on it, but I'm wondering who's being parodied here--the President, or sufferers of Bush Derangement Syndrome?

Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:10 AM

September 26, 2005
Dumb Criminals

Well, at least he didn't adopt as a nickname, "Theguiltybastard."

Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:26 AM

September 24, 2005
Well, At Least He Doesn't Want Them Drawn And Quartered

A retired English physician has advocated guillotining disabled children.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:45 PM

September 23, 2005
You Mean It Isn't Karl Rove?

And now for something completely different: a local television meteorologist who thinks that hurricanes are being created by the Yakuza as revenge for Hiroshima.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:29 AM

August 30, 2005
Move Over, Shirley Maclaine

And in other news (and more trivial news, in the context of the unfolding catastrophe in Louisiana) Tom Cruise seems to have gone completely nuts, claiming tht he's led past lives (this one apparently sucks in comparison). And he's just asking for a libel suit from Brooke Shields:

...at his news conference, a Scientology-themed event with selected reporters from his fan club's newsletter, he claimed that Brooke was the lover of the founder of modern psychiatry, Sigmund Freud, in a previous life.
He said: "I could tell you stories about Brooke.

"She was the mistress of Sigmund Freud, you know. Is it any wonder she promotes his discredited theories? She's so confused."

[Update on Wednesday morning]

There seems to be a consensus in comments that this story is a hoax. And it's a good one, because it's not all that unbelievable, based on his past behavior.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:22 AM

August 21, 2005
Has Howard Dean Been Visiting Ohio?

It's a mystery in Cinci.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:08 AM

August 17, 2005
An Egyptian Secret Weapon?

Charles Lurio writes that they've apparently cloned Yasser Arafat:

Clearly the Islamo-fascists have a new weapon: cloning with quick forced fetus development. Take a look at the guy in the lower right of this pic from a NYTimes article on p3 yesterday about the Muslim Brotherhood in Egypt.
On the one hand they did improve him a bit: he's not bald, as Arafat was under his kaffiyah. On the other, he's clearly grown old too quickly once out of the womb, no doubt because they couldn't turn off the accelerated development gene.

Or maybe it's genetic damage from the laser poisoning.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:17 AM

August 13, 2005
If Bergman Had Directed The Dukes Of Hazzard

Only the seriously demented Iowahawk could come up with this concept, let alone execute it.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:35 AM

August 12, 2005
Romeo, Romeo, Wherefore Art Thou?

Here's a modern tale of hot swanny love. Well, at least they're living in a state where they can get married.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:02 AM

August 10, 2005
She Died For Our Sins

An Italian woman was killed by a crucifix.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:19 AM

July 23, 2005
Well, Here's A Dream Job

Sexing turkeys.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:45 PM

July 21, 2005
Just Desserts

You know, I'm usually not down with stoning, particularly since it seems to be largely reserved for women who have been raped, or gays, but it's hard to feel sorry for these guys.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 02:53 PM

July 15, 2005
Prurient Minds Want To Know

This article doesn't really explain how the man actually earned his Darwin Award.

Feel free to speculate in the comments section.

But keep it clean. How's that for a challenge?

Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:47 PM

July 13, 2005
Quite Silly

Remember the old Monty Python routine about the Society for Putting Things On Top of Other Things?

Well, here's a web site where people put things on top of cats.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:50 AM

June 25, 2005
Alliteration

From a document (a Powerpoint briefing, actually) I'm reviewing:

Additionally, an agreed acronym appendix adds advantages against acquiring appellation aberrations.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:01 AM

June 21, 2005
The Beginning Of A New Holocaust

It is my sad duty to report the first death due to Post Election Selection Trauma:

He had strong political opinions and followed Amy Goodman's radio broadcast "Democracy Now." Alas the stolen election of 2000 and living with right-winged Americans finally brought him to his early demise. Stress from living in this unjust country brought about several heart attacks rendering him disabled.

You couldn't make this stuff up.

Shockingly, it didn't occur at ground zero for this affliction (my current residence of Boca Raton), but in Tucson. I'm sure that this is just the first death of many, in what is certain to be a sweeping slaughter and national tragedy, all part of Karl Rove's plan.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:31 AM

June 20, 2005
His Fifteen Minutes Of Fame

A painting chimpanzee has outsold Andy Warhol.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:33 PM

June 17, 2005
Maybe The Couch On The Porch Was A Mistake

Did you know that a great way to get rid of snakes is to burn your house down?

Maybe she should get together with the superglue guy, except he managed to actually kill himself.

[Update at noon]

Speaking of snakes, here's a guy who brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "trouser snake."

Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:30 AM

Yep, That Would Do It

A man committed suicide by supergluing his mouth and nose shut.

I'm sure that there will be calls to ban its sale now.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:11 AM

June 16, 2005
A Very Strange Mind

That's exactly what James Lileks has:

The [ant] colony continues its descent. The population was ten a week ago; now it’s eight. When I checked they were all clumped together in a town meeting, batting antennae. STATUS: NO THREAT STATUS: NO THREAT STATUS: NO THREAT I gave them some water and sugar, which caused great rejoicing. Gives them something to do. It’s rather creepy how the dead ant-parts are filed off in the spiral staircases and heaped in piles behind the painted barn. It’s a Junior Graveyard Kit, really. No one cares about it anymore; Gnat’s more interested in exterior ants, the Death Farm gives my wife the willies, but I feed them and give them water. I’m waiting for the day when there’s one ant left. I’m going to give him a tablespoon of sugar and put it out in the far reaches of the backyard. Other ants will be drawn to the scent, and batter the walls to no effect. All the other ants will want to enter his prison. He will believe he is the most fortunate ant on the planet, and he will die happy. Lucky me. Lucky, lucky me.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 04:39 AM

June 13, 2005
Auditioning For A Hitchcock Remake?

I saw this story, via Warren Bell, and was reminded that I was attacked by a bird when I was in Phoenix in April.

I was walking across a shopping mall parking lot by the hotel where I was staying, and felt something hit my right shoulder from behind. I turned around, and saw a bird hovering. I figured it was an accident, and kept walking, but a few seconds later, it did it again.

I was unsure what to do, but figured that the sooner I got to the mall entrance, the better, so I kept moving, though I didn't run. I was wearing glasses, which I hoped would protect me if it started to peck, but fortunately it didn't. It hit me one more time, and then flew back to a tree behind me. I figured that I may have walked to close to its nest. After that, I continued the walk to the mall entrance without further events, but I kept an eye over my shoulder.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:10 AM

June 10, 2005
Mmmmmmmmm...

<VOICE="Homer Simpson">
Giant snot balls...ggrrrhhhgggghhrrrrhhh...
</VOICE>

Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:19 AM

Strange Rain

Billie Holiday sang a song called "Strange Fruit," about lynchings in the south, with black bodies hanging from trees.

Well, there's a black neighborhood in northern Ohio where white bodies fall out of the sky.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:16 AM

June 09, 2005
Girly Men

I am not making this up.

Forty percent of Frenchmen would like to become pregnant.

It must be part of that Gallic genius thing.

[Update at 4 PM]

The freepers are having a great time with this.

It's not for nothing that couvade is a French word.

I also like the picture of a worried-looking John Kerry with the caption "My clock is ticking."

Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:45 PM

May 10, 2005
A Painful End

Has Drew Barrymore heard about this? It might diminish her enthusiasm.

Let the cracking of wise in the comments section commence.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:44 AM

April 22, 2005
Like Lawyer, Like Client

Just when you thought the Michael Jackson case couldn't get any weirder, we find evidence that his new attorney isn't averse to a little B&D.

The playful dominatrix, TAMI SMITH, tells the tabloid, "I was at the party for a few hours when I noticed this old gentleman with a great smile and white hair. I was told he was a highprofile attorney but didn't know his name.
"I went up to him and said, 'Down on your knees.' I wasn't surprised, but he immediately dropped to his knees. I put my dog collar around him, he didn't have a problem with it.

Maybe they should hook him up with Lynddie England.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:58 AM

April 20, 2005
I Hate When That Happens (Take II)

A man caught fire and died (though not from the fire) during surgery.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:17 AM

Another Gun Control Tragedy

Perhaps we should extend National Self-Defense Day to make it a two-day holiday. April 20th is the anniversary of the killer rabbit incident. The poor defenseless president had nothing but a canoe paddle.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:59 AM

April 19, 2005
I Want A Cage Match

A rabbi and a Nazi duked it out at the Kansas City Airport.

[Update at 3:40 PM]

Maybe this was just a little replay of the Warsaw Ghetto Uprising, which today is also the anniversary of (sixty two years ago). An interesting coincidence that we have two anniversaries today demonstrating that gun confiscation is a flawed policy. Well, three, actually, if you count Waco.

[Wednesday AM update]

LGF has more details about the airport incident.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:13 AM

April 11, 2005
OK, So I'm Not So Smart

But I can beat him, anyway. Agility is the key.

[Via Volokh]

Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:57 PM

April 05, 2005
Eeeeuuuuwww

I think that these folks may be potential new fans of Chutch:

Advocates say suspension has been practiced since ancient times in many societies.
"It's searching for answers, trying new things," Hiller said. "You can only get pierced and tattooed so many times."

He says that like it's a bad thing.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:34 AM

April 01, 2005
Dog-Faced Girl

It used to be that you had to go to the carnival to see freak shows. Now all you have to do is follow college professors around. [Note: some of this stuff is quite disturbing]

Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:05 AM

March 30, 2005
What Would We Do Without Harvard Studies?

Even as early as 1943, the whiz kids there had figured out that Adolf Hitler "held grudges, couldn't stand criticism, craved attention and had a tendency to bully others.."

Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:00 PM

March 23, 2005
Satan Appears

Apparently, he looks just like a turtle. Who knew? Was it foreseen that the dark angel would take terrapin form?

Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:04 AM

March 19, 2005
But What If The Men Chew It?

Leave it to the Japanese, the most inventive people on the planet. They've come up with a chewing gum that enlarges women's breasts. I wonder if they're working on chewing tobacco for "male enhancement"? Not that I need it, of course...

I expect to start getting spam hawking it to me any day now.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:46 AM

March 14, 2005
Bill Clinton's Blog

That's right, you read it correctly. It's been going since last summer.

I don't (quite) think that it's real, but it's a pretty good impression of what one would look like. Here's one early entry:

The dragon lady just called. She'll be home tomorrow. She reminded me she had asked me to look through some legal papers for her senate commission. I really don't want to do that. Damn. I just can't get myself to do it. Not today. I'll have to make up some excuse tomorrow. I know she'll look at me with that "You let me down again" look. Yeah, yeah, shut up.
Chelsea called. Still with that curly head with his fake politeness.

I'll deal with her tomorrow. Hillary, that is. I mean I just finished a book of more than 900 pages. She could've been a bit more considerate towards me.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:27 PM

February 23, 2005
A Fascinating Research Subject

An Italian "scientist" claims that he can tell a woman's personality from her...ummm...mammorial endowment:

He has categorised breast types according to fruits and says men can draw up their own horoscope-type chart that indicates what a woman's chest size says about her.

A fascinating research topic no doubt. And how could it go wrong? After all,

"A woman's breasts denote a woman's character, just like her star sign."

Yes, I'll take a Capricorn, in a 36-C, please...

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:30 AM

February 16, 2005
My Oxymoron Meter

...is pegged, by the notion of a Jimmy Carter attack sub. Maybe it will have enough firepower to at least take out killer rabbits.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:00 AM

January 27, 2005
A "Brilliant Son"

A brilliant son, that is, who ran off a cliff to his death because he feared an "unclean" dog.

One Darwin nominee, coming up.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:13 AM

January 21, 2005
Here Comes 'Da Judge

Well, I guess we now know how justice becomes blind.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:30 PM

December 28, 2004
He Carved The Wrong Word In His Forehead

If he'd used the word "Moron," at least it would have read the same forward as backward, other than the middle letter. It would have also been more accurate.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:53 PM

December 21, 2004
Mother Of The Year

Somehow, I think that this woman won't win it. No prizes for wife, either.

Makes me embarrassed to hail from the Great Lake State.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:09 PM

December 17, 2004
Just Like That Capone Guy

After all these years, Adolf Hitler's greatest crime against humanity has finally been revealed. He was a tax dodger.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:28 AM

December 15, 2004
Only In America

And probably only in the red, Bush-voting portion of it.

Behold, the jet-powered port-a-potty. For when you really have to go...

Hey, I want to see races. We could set up NAOOR (National Association Of Outhouse Racers). The winner would be flush with victory.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:32 AM

December 14, 2004
Another Death On Bush's Head

If I were O'Reilly, this would be the Most Ridiculous Item of the Day (of course, the day is young...). Apparently, in some cases, PEST can be fatal.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:08 AM

December 03, 2004
Giant Spiders

Well, here's a side of the story from Iraq that we haven't been getting:

"The first miracle that occurred in Fallujah took the form of spiders that appeared in the city – each spider larger than this chair, or about the size of this chair. The American soldiers left, holding the legs of this spider, and I too, in one of the Friday sermons, held up a spider, with all its magnitude, in front of the satellite channels and in front of the world. This spider also had thin black hair. If this hair touches the human body, within a short period of time the body becomes black or blue, and then there is an explosion in the blood cells in the human body - and the person dies."

I guess he was wearing gloves when he held it up in front of the cameras, which apparently had no video feed, or surely we would have at least seen this on Al Jazeera by now.

The story is chock full of this kind of lunacy.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:26 AM

December 01, 2004
Put Them Away For Life

Two men were arrested for dumping dirt in a forest.

Thankfully, they were stopped before they could pour water into the ocean.

Planet-hating fiends.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:08 PM

Moon Over Saskatchewan

Well, this is the kind of thing that gives cowboys a bad name all over the world. But what do you expect from a Canadian, eh?

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:59 AM

November 30, 2004
They're Safe

Provo, Utah, doesn't have to worry about cats and dogs living together. It's illegal.

I wonder what the rationale was for this dumb law?

Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:40 AM

No Darwin Award For Him

But only because he left behind a young daughter. Otherwise, this man, who accidentally killed himself with an exploding lava lamp, would be a contendah...

"It wasn't bubbling fast enough for him," his mom guesses. "Because when we walked in the stove was on at the lowest setting."

Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:18 AM

November 28, 2004
"Obesity Tourism"

Robert Mugabe's lunatic government "...wants to bring in obese tourists from overseas so that they can shed pounds doing manual labour on land seized from white farmers."

I'll be interested to see the brochure for that one.

You couldn't make this stuff up--no one would believe you.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:34 AM

November 19, 2004
Right Out Of Monty Python

Clerics in a mosque had to subdue a bearded woman attempting to preach there.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:39 AM

Going Down (On) The Road

Here's another piece that reads like it could be in The Onion, but it seems to be for real:

There are plans to extend the interstate from Indianapolis through southwestern Indiana all the way through Texas into Mexico in the coming years. While most believe this highway will be good for the state’s economy, religious conservatives believe “I-69” sounds too risqué and want to change the interstate’s number.
Hostettler, a proponent of the interstate extension, agrees. “Every time I have been out in the public with an ‘I-69’ button on my lapel, teenagers point and snicker at it. I have had many ask me if they can have my button. I believe it is time to change the name of the highway. It is the moral thing to do.”

I remember when they built I-69 through Flint, just a few blocks from my house, back in the sixties. I don't recall any concern about the number at the time.

[Update at 9:30 AM EST]

"Seems" being the operative word here. Commenters point out that it is indeed a gag.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:12 AM

November 17, 2004
A Gruesome Anti-Gay Hate Crime

A homosexual was made into sausage. Not even the Taliban would have done that--it took a Bulgarian.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:13 AM

October 21, 2004
No Squirrel To Save Him

A moose died after being hung fifty feet above the ground on a power line.

The workers believe the moose may have come across the sagging and swaying wires and decided to challenge the power line to a fight, as bull moose are known to do during the rut, or mating season.
"My guess is he was in full rut and probably seen that line moving out there," and decided to fight, said Marvin Pickens, line construction manager for City Electric in Anchorage.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:30 AM

May 26, 2004
Feline Infinitum

Now here's someone with too much time (and too many cats) on his hands.

[via (who else?) Paul Hsieh]

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:16 PM

March 17, 2004
Amish Snowbirds

As an about-to-become Florida resident, I found this interesting:

"This would not be the norm for the Amish," Miller says. "People say the Amish have long faces and short pocketbooks, but we enjoy coming down here and kicking back for a couple of weeks."
...Two years ago, the Millers went parasailing.

"It's just like flying," Miller says. "We were up 650, 700 feet."

"I closed my eyes for a while," Becky says. "But it was awesome."

"Know what I did up there?" Miller asks. "I kissed her."

It almost reads like an Iowahawk piece, but it's real.

I fully expect some sect of the Amish to come up with some way of justifying using space technology to homestead asteroids.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:32 PM

August 08, 2003
Surreal

This is my weirdest email of the week (and perhaps the month), in response to my previous two Foxnews columns (or at least so I surmise, to the best of my admittedly limited interpretive ability). The author didn't specify what pharmaceutical assistance empowered him or her to write it.

Ollah: praise Olleh...for Olluh is great.
Hitler's disposition....1. he handed Neville Chamberlain a letter thanking the British soldier who spared his life on the battle fields of WW1. 2. Churchill's churlish disposition: an actor impersonated him over broadcast radio for his most famous pep talk to the Brits (which raises the spectre of speech writers) while he was otherwise engaged. Sore throat? Golf? "We shall..." LOL. Nasa and Epcot might be interested in space, but I'm interested in taeme travel.

I liked your article. I like debunking of myths. My favourite is the book of photos of virtuoso pianists: all those stubby fingers. LOL.

There is some water on the far side of the moon but it's really hard to find anything on the internet about the origin of water. My own theory is planet Earth is a neutron star which creates water.

Nasa and Epcot behave as the only PR game in town. It's a bold strategy...but it requires a quick win. Master players don't play for the quick win. Rubes do. I find the same with 3D. Co's like Imax and Deep Video are playing for the quick win against hundreds of others.

Byebye, see you, tata.

FisherKingKQJ

It's in italics because that's the way it came in to my email client.

Make of it what you will. I report, you decide...

Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:27 PM

July 29, 2003
And Now For Something Completely Different

An Austrian man wants to sky dive across the English Channel. Well, if one can run for governor of California, why the heck not?

"I want to be known as the God of the Skies," he told the Telegraph.

Either that, or as one wag at Free Republic suggested, the "Crater of Calais."

Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:15 PM

April 18, 2002
Going To The Birds

There are some places where seeing dinosaur descendants would be an everyday occurrence--your back yard, Sesame Street (which has one of the Big variety), the aviary at the San Diego Zoo--but my living room is not one of them. Thus it was notable this evening that I suffered an invasion by not zero, not one, but two animals of the feathered variety in Casa Transterrestrial.

The disconsertion was amplified by the fact that it occurred during dinner, which was occurring in the living room, during a Simpsons rerun, Patricia being up in Reno and thus unable to protect me from the beaky predators as I innocently munched my chicken nachos (were they, Hitchcock-like, lying in wait for me, as I ate their distant cousin?).

I was first alerted to the avian intruders by Jessica. Jessica is the younger cat, who has misleadingly gangly legs, and black fur with a white undercoat, and who seems much too uncoordinated to deal with flying prey.

The elder cat, Stella, is a premiere ratter, having dispatched all the rodents who temporarily took up abode in the garage after discovering my stash of malt and corn sugar, set aside as brewery inputs after I discovered that beer was unacceptably carbohydratic for my newly-discovered relatively paleolithic protein-rich diet. But I've never seen her catch a bird, and I suspect that, at age thirteen, her hunting days may be behind her.

Anyway, Jessica was making that peculiar moaning sound, familiar to cat owners, of a cat in pure, unadulterated hunting mode. She was looking up toward the cathedral, wood-beam ceiling at a fluttering apparition in the beams. I saw the motion myself, and went to turn on the track lights to view it better.

It was a hummingbird, frantically beating itself against the ceiling between the beams, attempting to find a way to freedom. Its wings were beating at approximately thirty-four thousand flutters per second. It was clear that it was going to run out of energy in a matter of short minutes at its current rate.

Don't ask me how it got in--I don't know now, and I never will.

The ceiling is high on that end of the room. The front door was just below, however, so I opened it. It was late, but the sun wasn't down, so I hoped that the light coming in would draw it to the Great Outdoors.

Fortunately, after a few minutes, it did indeed come down toward the door. But it didn't go out. It beat itself against the narrow wall between the open front door and the entrance to the kitchen, in which it perhaps had fantasies of endless supplies of sugar water with which to power its frantic wings.

I gently brushed it toward the open door with my hand and, panicked, it found the opening, exited, and quickly increased altitude. Unlike the living room, it was ceiling unlimited.

Relieved, I sat down to finish my chicken nacho consumption.

Then Jessica started crying and pawing at the fireplace. Now what?

I heard another fluttering of wings in the hearth.

Great. Another bird had flown down the chimney, and was beating itself up in the flue, or in the logs on the grate. The cat was going nuts trying to get to it, and I couldn't see any way to persuade it to go back up the chimney, or to head outside.

As I sat there, trying to figure out what to do, Jessica finally managed to frighten it into flying out of the fireplace, and toward the glass patio doors in the living room. It was hiding and fluttering in the vertical blinds.

I opened up the door all the way, and got the cat away from it.

Like the hummingbird, I gently brushed it toward the door opening. It found the exit, and fluttered up and away.

Jessica looked up at me, disappointed. She whined a little, and then went outside.

I finished dinner.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:21 PM

March 13, 2002
Fun With CCDs

I found this little story over at Natalie Solent's site, about a man who wrecked his digital camera by dunking it in a lake, and now claims to like the results.

Web designer (and high-tech camera designer) Bill Simon comments:

This is classic. In sales it is called turning a bug into a feature.

Okay. Now he has a "magic" camera.

Big deal. All he can take are "magic" pictures. But with a program like Paint Shop Pro, I can make any of my normal pictures as magical as I wish and I still get normal pictures.

This guy doesn't want to face the fact that he wrecked an $800 camera. But with this hype the camera will become worth whatever the new age world can afford...Say, $250,000. So I guess he gets the last laugh.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:40 AM