…when Iowahawk goes after you.

On this Thanksgiving Eve, it is indeed a wonderful life.

…when Iowahawk goes after you.

On this Thanksgiving Eve, it is indeed a wonderful life.

…when Iowahawk goes after you.

On this Thanksgiving Eve, it is indeed a wonderful life.

ANN ARBOR (APUPI) In a catastrophe certain to reverberate throughout American society for decades, millions of the MTV generation have succumbed suddenly in the past twenty-four hours, after ignoring rapper P. Diddy’s and Senator Hillary Clinton’s frantic warnings over the past weeks.

“I feel like I failed,” said the morose musician. “I called millions of young people in the hopes that we could avoid this, but somehow the message just didn’t get through.”

The unprecedented die-off has resulted in horrific scenes all across the nation. Bodies are stacking up on college campuses, in pizza parlors, malls, and bars, and the older survivors have their hands full keeping up with it. Cruelly, the affliction doesn’t always kill. There are many who live, but in a zombie-like state–those who made it to the polling place, but couldn’t quite figure out how to work the machines.

Elderly workers, seemingly immune to whatever is causing this, are performing triage and trying to sort those who have been felled by their failure to vote, those who are merely injured but can survive with a rapid administration of provisional ballots, and those Bush supporters who are just sleeping off a bender after celebrating the night before.

Authorities have been unable to estimate the total number of casualties, which continues to grow hourly, but the few survivors are envying the dead. Upon seeing the carnage and contemplating life without their cohorts, many now regret their own votes yesterday, particularly with the loss of their candidate, Senator Kerry.

One young woman stared across a sunny quad full of her former classmates, limbs askew as they fell where they stood, many still clutching their color-coordinated cell phones. There was a dazed look of disbelief in her eyes. “I warned my roommate about what P. Diddy said,” she sobbed. “But she wouldn’t listen. She said she was too busy, and she didn’t know anything about the issues.”

“I told her that wasn’t important, that what was important was to make her voice heard, no matter how uninformed and incapable of critical thinking she was, but I couldn’t get her there, and now it’s too late.”

“My boyfriend is gone, my candidate lost. Why did I vote? What is there left to live for?”

It’s too early to know the full sociological impact of this new holocaust, but it may be similar to Europe in the early twentieth century, when millions of young men were slaughtered in the flower of their youth in the Great War. Except this time, the culling had no gender bias–both young men and young women have been cut down in equal numbers, at least relieving any potential imbalance. Some have even pointed out that there’s a silver lining to the dark cloud. The average IQ of the nation is expected to skyrocket almost overnight.

Young Bush voters are saddened, but stoic.

“We have to go on,” said one young couple. “We’re now the hope of our generation.”

WASHINGTON (APUPI) In response to complaints from the Bush campaign today, the Federal Election Commission has decided to look into the sources of financing for Al Qaeda, to determine if any election laws were broken by the recent video released featuring its leader, Osama bin Laden.

A campaign spokesman claimed that, with all of his harsh criticism of the president, the terrorist leader was clearly supporting the Kerry campaign.

“He may not have explicitly endorsed Senator Kerry, but he clearly skirted the edges of the McCain-Feingold law. Anyone can look at that tape and tell that Osama wants our opponent to win this election,” claimed a campaign spokesman.

He went on, “This new Kerry endorsement by yet another world leader is just their latest October surprise, coming just four days before the election. ‘Bush lied, we made the terrorists mad, he sat there reading to kids instead of evacuating the trade center,’ yada yada yada. They can deny it all they want, but Osama’s clearly illegally coordinating with Moveon.org and Michael Moore.”

Arousing further suspicion were rumors of cutting-room floor portions of the video that showed bin Laden mocking Bush by accusing him of “outsourcing” his capture to Afghans.

The commission will be investigating whether or not Al Qaeda has properly registered as a 527 corporation, and looking into all potential sources for its funding. It’s of particular concern that foreign funds may have poured into this newest anti-Bush group. They will also be following any potential money trails that could lead back to George Soros.

A subpoena will be going out this weekend to an undisclosed location in northeast Pakistan, bin Laden’s last known whereabouts, requiring him to provide cancelled checks, bank receipts, email and postal communications between his and other anti-Bush advocacy organizations, cell phone records and other documents that might shed light on potential violations of the campaign finance laws.

A senior Al Qaeda spokesman said in a phone call that they wouldn’t accept such a subpoena, though he didn’t say whether or not they would simply refuse it, or decapitate the servicer.

“Sheik Osama is very ill and tired, and has no time for such nonsense from The Great Satan,” he complained. “We have had no contact with any of the infidels for either campaign,” he angrily claimed, to the sounds of Farenheit 911 playing in the background.

Coming so late in the campaign, the investigation is not expected to bear fruit before the election is over (the end of which is now projected by Kerry campaign lawyers to occur sometime in late May, 2006, once all the appeals have been exhausted), but if convicted, bin Laden’s organization could be fined up to half a million dollars, and he could serve up to six months in federal prison.

Questions to the Justice Department as to the probability of his serving time with Martha Stewart were unanswered as of this report.

Here is the most heart-rending and effective anti-Kerry ad I’ve seen yet, from a new 527–Swift Geese Veterans For Truth.

The contemporary elitist capitalistic racist sexist Francophobic narrative is that Jacques Derrida has undergone the ultimate deconstruction.

But if, as he once suggested, we use postcultural structuralist theory to deconstruct hierarchy, then it could be said that the characteristic theme of this pseudo event is in reality the rubicon of neodialectic bioidentity. In fact, consider this in the context of the fact that he actively promoted the use of predialectic narrative to challenge society, thus contextualising the subject into a neodialectic deconstruction that includes reality as a totality. By this reasoning (bearing in mind that reason is not a road to truth), it could be said that death itself is dead.

Just as Foucault’s model of postmaterial patriarchialist theory states that language serves to exploit minorities (and thus serve majorities, such as the dead), so will the inevitability of the ultimate choice, between neodialectic deconstruction and posttextual nihilism.

If one examines predialectic narrative, one is faced with another choice: either accept cultural demodernism or conclude that the significance of the participant, dead or alive, is social comment, given that reality is equal to consciousness, and death is equal to the ultimate unconsciousness. The premise of the capitalist paradigm of discourse suggests that culture is used to entrench outdated, lifeist perceptions of class, including the ultimate oppressed, those no longer even with us, as the current narrative suggests that Derrida is.

Ultimately, that will be his legacy–the destruction of communication, and the decimation of clear thinking in many university English departments.

Here is a memorial website to him and his works.

It seems to be a work in progress–the HTML is crude, and the scoring isn’t working correctly on the “Coalition” question yet (what do you expect from a UN project?), but I think I’ve found the Global Test that John Kerry was talking about the other night.

[Update at 5:30 PM EDT]

For those into sixties nostalgia, Iowahawk has dredged up a long-lost script of that old western, Johnny Nuance. I’ll bet that guy could have passed the Global Test blindfolded, and with one treaty tied behind his back.

[Sunday afternoon update]

The scoring seems to be working properly on the coalition-building portion of the test now.

It seems to be a work in progress–the HTML is crude, and the scoring isn’t working correctly on the “Coalition” question yet (what do you expect from a UN project?), but I think I’ve found the Global Test that John Kerry was talking about the other night.

[Update at 5:30 PM EDT]

For those into sixties nostalgia, Iowahawk has dredged up a long-lost script of that old western, Johnny Nuance. I’ll bet that guy could have passed the Global Test blindfolded, and with one treaty tied behind his back.

[Sunday afternoon update]

The scoring seems to be working properly on the coalition-building portion of the test now.

It seems to be a work in progress–the HTML is crude, and the scoring isn’t working correctly on the “Coalition” question yet (what do you expect from a UN project?), but I think I’ve found the Global Test that John Kerry was talking about the other night.

[Update at 5:30 PM EDT]

For those into sixties nostalgia, Iowahawk has dredged up a long-lost script of that old western, Johnny Nuance. I’ll bet that guy could have passed the Global Test blindfolded, and with one treaty tied behind his back.

[Sunday afternoon update]

The scoring seems to be working properly on the coalition-building portion of the test now.