This just in to Transterrestrial News Network (TNN):
Beelzebub, aka Lucifer, aka the Devil, aka Satan has filed a reverse class-action suit in international civil court against Supreme Leader Ayotollah Khamenei of Iran and the Hizbollah terrorist organization, for impugning his previously-undisputed position as the world’s greatest Satan.
As evidence, he cited the Hizbollah leader’s recent comments:
A senior Hizbollah leader lashed out against President Bush Sunday, labeling him the “Great Satan” and dismissing U.S. accusations that the Lebanese guerrilla group is “terrorist” organization. “Bush is faithful to Satan, was his devotee, and is the greatest devotee in a leadership thirsty for killing and blood and aggression,” Hizbollah’s Deputy Secretary-General Sheikh Naeem Kassem told a rally.
He also provided the following verified quote from President Khamenei:
“The Islamic Republic of Iran is proud to be the target of the rage and hatred of the world’s greatest Satan,” Khamenei told journalists at a press briefing.
In addition to insufficient defamation of character, the supreme Evil One is suing for extreme lack of slander and non-libel, as well as trademark infringement. Damages claimed in the preliminary filing are:
- Loss of potential recruits to the true Cause of Evil, with resultant financial impacts
- Blurring of the long-established “Evil” (TM) brand recognition
- Reductions in sales of all satanic merchandise, including Halloween outfits, Red Devil firecrackers, Red Hot candy, and Harry Potter books
The Master of the Underworld is also suing for emotional distress, and pain and suffering.
“Since hearing the false charge that I’m no longer the greatest Satan, I’ve been unable to eat or sleep, and no longer take any joy from tormenting souls throughout eternity. I’ve been botching soul transactions, and gotten taken in several deals, particularly from House Democrats and Hollywood producers.”
The plaintiff has included U.S. President G. W. Bush in the reverse class action, for his refusal to defend himself against the charge of being the greatest Satan, or even acknowledging it.
“I’ve spent millennia establishing a reputation and trademark of ultimate evil, and this Texas cowboy thinks that he can just come in and take the throne in a few months?”
“And what’s with these stupid thugs in the Middle East? You’d think that people who rip womens’ fingernails out for putting polish on them, or who shoot up a young woman’s coming-of-age party would recognize true evil when they see it, but apparently this Bush guy has pulled the asbestos over their eyes.”
He revealed part of his legal strategy at the press conference, bringing forth just one of what are sure to be numerous negative character witnesses.
Biting his lip, Mr. Clinton put his arm over the plaintiff’s shoulder, proclaiming, “I know Satan. Satan is a friend of mine. And George Bush is no great Satan.”
(Copyright Rand Simberg 2002)