To paraphrase Jay Sherman, The (“It stinks!”) Critic.

I saw Attack of the Clones yesterday. I have no idea what Lileks saw in it, but then he seems into things that are campy and kitschy, and this was in spades.

But boy, if I didn’t think that those guys who waited in line to see it for months were idiots before (and I actually did), I sure do now.

I will say that I managed to stay awake, and that there was, as expected, the usual Lucas eye candy.

But I really get upset when basic physics and physiology is ignored. No, I’m not talking about the warp drive starships, or even the swerving dogfights–I’ll grant them that–they have some kind of propulsion system beyond our current ken.

But when a chain is attached to a guy’s wrists, and the tension is increased to the point at which something has to give, and the chain breaks instead of the wrists, come on…

And those love scenes.

Those were just painful.

You felt embarrassed for the actors who had to mouth those lines. People have said that the acting was terrible, and maybe it was, but I don’t think that Burton and Taylor could have pulled off that dialogue any better. I do get the sense that Portman is just sleepwalking her way through the series, though. It was a disappointing performance, given her great work in the past. But she’s young.

Overall, in terms of the acting, I agree with the consensus–the best dramatist in the movie by far was Yoda–who was computer generated.

Lucas needs to work with someone who knows how to:

• Write dialog
  
• Look for logical plot holes
  
• Direct real actors, as opposed to animatronics and CGI
  
• Cast

If he’d collaborate with someone or several someones who have those skills, and focused himself on making aliens and imaginary planets and cities, he might have a shot at making a good movie.