Pascagoula (APUPI) December 14, 2002
In a shocking and bizarre new twist in the ongoing Segre-Gate scandal, an increasingly desperate Senator Chester “Trent” Lott announced today that he is actually an African American.
In a prelude to his upcoming appearance on BET, he appeared at a sparsely-attended press conference outside his local office, resplendent in a colorful daishiki, with his formerly shellacked hair frizzing freely in a three-foot diameter “afro-style” hairdo.
“As you all know, Bill Clinton was the first black president. Well, I’m the first black Senate Majority Leader. It’s truly a proud day for the Republican Party and the African-American community.”
“I know that many of you will be surprised to learn that I was ‘passing’ all of these years. It was a deep, dark family secret.”
“My great-great grandmother was a house nigra on a plantation outside of Biloxi. My great-grandfather was a mullatto, my grandmother was a quadroon, and my mother was an octaroon, which makes me a hexidecaroon. As all of you from hereabouts know, just a touch of one hair of the tarbrush means that I can never be truly white.”
“I have to say that it’s quite a relief to finally let my true nature come out after all these years.”
“Every morning it used to take me over an hour to apply a fresh coat of lacquer to my hair, to keep it under control.”
“The ‘Singing Senators’ will finally be fully integrated, and my deep rich bass voice can harmonize fully and freely, in pride of my heritage. I’ll be able to tap my feet in actual rhythm with the music as I vocalize, without any more fear of giving myself away.”
When he came to the end of the formal statement, he repeated it in Swahili, Mandinka, and Ibo, followed by a tongue-clicking rendition in the language of the South African !Kung bushmen.
In response to questions as to whether he was simply pandering in order to pathetically cling to power, he appeared shocked and angered.
“It pains me to even hear such a question.”
“This isn’t about power. It’s about bonding with my community. That’s why as soon as the Senate goes back into session in January, I’m going to sponsor a bill to make Kwanzaa an official government holiday, and move to put Martin Luther King’s face on the twenty dollar bill. For too long has our currency been sullied by the face of that redneck Andy Jackson.”
Calls to the office of the Congressional Black Caucus to determine if he had yet joined were unreturned.
(Copyright 2002 by Rand Simberg)