Michael Moore has a stupid open letter to George W. Bush on his web site today.

I know it should be beneath me, and it’s an arcade game full of targets for cheap shots, but it’s just too much fun. Just in time for the President’s address, I herewith give it the fisking for which it begs:

George W. Bush
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC

Dear Governor Bush:

“Governor” Bush? Isn’t that the guy down in Tallahassee? You know, the President’s brother? He’s certainly gotten this letter off on the right (so to speak) foot.

So today is what you call “the moment of truth,” the day that “France and the rest of world have to show their cards on the table.” I’m glad to hear that this day has finally arrived. Because, I gotta tell ya, having survived 440 days of your lying and conniving, I wasn’t sure if I could take much more. So I’m glad to hear that today is Truth Day, ’cause I got a few truths I would like to share with you:

This is pretty rich, coming from a guy who has a best-selling book that competes with John Pilger’s in terms of numbers of lies per page. It’s worse than the pot calling the kettle black–it’s more like, ummmm…someone with the girth of, say, Michael Moore, calling Kate Moss morbidly obese.

1. There is virtually NO ONE in America (talk radio nutters and Fox News aside) who is gung-ho to go to war. Trust me on this one.

“Trust me on this one”? Trust you, the man who still claims that Eric and Dylan went bowling that morning?

Yup, we’ll just ignore all those opinion polls, Mikey, and trust a published purveyor of falsehoods.

Walk out of the White House and on to any street in America and try to find five people who are PASSIONATE about wanting to kill Iraqis. YOU WON’T FIND THEM! Why? ‘Cause NO Iraqis have ever come here and killed any of us! No Iraqi has even threatened to do that. You see, this is how we average Americans think: If a certain so-and-so is not perceived as a threat to our lives, then, believe it or not, we don’t want to kill him! Funny how that works!

Of course, this is a stupid strawman argument (putting it on par with most of his arguments), since even the most PASSIONATE supporter of the war has NO DESIRE TO KILL IRAQIS. The goal is to REMOVE SADDAM HUSSEIN. In order to do so, we will have to drop some bombs, and some of Hussein’s minions will be killed, and perhaps even some innocent civilians, but many more will die at his hands than ours, and unlike him, we’ll greatly regret it. Funny how that works.

2. The majority of Americans — the ones who never elected you — are not fooled by your weapons of mass distraction.

Did Bill Clinton ever get a majority of the vote, let alone a majority of Americans, Mike? My vague recollection is that he only got 43% the first time, and couldn’t break fifty percent the second time, the one that was supposedly a “landslide.” After more than two years, this “selected, not elected” crap is getting stale, and covered with mold and flies.

We know what the real issues are that affect our daily lives — and none of them begin with I or end in Q.

Of course, judging by this, and his life’s CV, Mr. Moore’s thing beginning with I and ending with Q seems to be single digit.

Here’s what threatens us: two and a half million jobs lost since you took office, the stock market having become a cruel joke, no one knowing if their retirement funds are going to be there, gas now costs almost two dollars — the list goes on and on. Bombing Iraq will not make any of this go away. Only you need to go away for things to improve.

In what way would the president’s “going away” make any of those things improve, Mike? Have you ever taken a course in logic, and premises, and causality, and not mistaking correlation with causation?

You literally don’t have to answer that question.

3. As Bill Maher said last week, how bad do you have to suck to lose a popularity contest with Saddam Hussein?

I don’t know, Mike.

Maybe you can answer this one. How much does it suck to be part of a political movement that’s continually outwitted by a retarded monkey?

The whole world is against you, Mr. Bush. Count your fellow Americans among them.

Oh, no, the government that rolled over its own people with tanks fourteen years ago is against us. What, oh what, are we doing wrong?

When you say “fellow Americans,” which of the sixty-plus percent that support the war would those be again, Mike?

4. The Pope has said this war is wrong, that it is a SIN. The Pope!

And since when do you consider the Pope a moral authority? Do you agree with his stand on birth control and abortion, too?

What?! You mean you’re a cafeteria Catholic (not to mention one who was asked to leave the seminary)?

So why should we be interested in your hypocritical invocation of his authority in this matter, when you don’t accept it in many others?

But even worse, the Dixie Chicks have now come out against you!

But even even worse, the Dixie Chicks’ fans have come out against them! They’re having CD-smashing parties, complete with dreaded SUVs and tractors (you know, what know-nothing yahoos, and heretofore fans of the Dixie Chicks, drive?).

They’re off many C&W radio stations’ playlists. Run a poll of Texans as to which native they’re prouder of. If you believe that Natalie Maines will come out ahead of Dubya, you’re beyond delusional, Mike.

How bad does it have to get before you realize that you are an army of one on this war?

Well, one plus sixty-plus percent of the American people. Pesky things, those facts.

Of course, this is a war you personally won’t have to fight.

Quick, grant the South their independence! Reenslave the blacks! Lincoln never personally fought in the Civil War!

Just like when you went AWOL while the poor were shipped to Vietnam in your place.

Mikey, we understand your ignorance of the military, having never even been in appropriate physical condition to have served, even if you’d ever evinced a desire, but AWOL means “Absent Without Leave,” not “flew jets in the National Guard.”

5. Of the 535 members of Congress, only ONE (Sen. Johnson of South Dakota) has an enlisted son or daughter in the armed forces! If you really want to stand up for America, please send your twin daughters over to Kuwait right now and let them don their chemical warfare suits. And let’s see every member of Congress with a child of military age also sacrifice their kids for this war effort. What’s that you say? You don’t THINK so? Well, hey, guess what — we don’t think so either!

I’m sure he will, Mike, just as soon as you put your own pudgy lardass on the line and head over to be a human shield. Perhaps you could put your body in front of Saddam himself. Hell, with the shadow your blubbery corpus casts, I’ll bet you could personally protect his whole thuggish, torturing family and half of the tens of thousands of Republican Guardsmen.

Of course, you could only cover them from one direction at a time, and you wouldn’t be able to waddle around in time to help them from the rear if the Evil Enemy decided to come from that unexpected direction. But still, you’d be doing what you could to defend Saddam, and betray America and the Iraqi people, and the rest of the world that doesn’t want to get nuked by madmen.

Despite your intrinsic ineffectiveness as a human shield, I’ll even raise the money for the airfare myself–just losing you in the cause would be worth it. Maybe we can take the funds that were never used for the Shropshire Challenge, and buy a ticket for you.

6. Finally, we love France. Yes, they have pulled some royal screw-ups. Yes, some of them can pretty damn annoying. But have you forgotten we wouldn’t even have this country known as America if it weren’t for the French? That it was their help in the Revolutionary War that won it for us? That our greatest thinkers and founding fathers — Thomas Jefferson, Ben Franklin, etc. — spent many years in Paris where they refined the concepts that lead to our Declaration of Independence and our Constitution?

Yes, Mike, I think that even the President knows that. I think we repaid that bill with usurious interest last century. What have they done for us lately?

That it was France who gave us our Statue of Liberty, a Frenchman who built the Chevrolet, and a pair of French brothers who invented the movies?

Yes, Mike, France has produced some great men, but note that many of them (like Mssr. Chevrolet) had to come to America to achieve their greatness. We are always greatful to all countries that send us their best and their brightest, but that also serves to explain the poor behavior of the dregs left behind. That’s what Mr. Rumsfeld called so fittingly, “old Europe.” One of the reasons that Eastern Europe is so vibrant (and not anti-American or anti-Bush) is because, having thrown off the stultifying yoke of communism, many expatriates are returning there. I don’t see a lot of emigration to France and Germany from America, though.

And now they are doing what only a good friend can do — tell you the truth about yourself, straight, no b.s. Quit pissing on the French and thank them for getting it right for once. You know, you really should have traveled more (like once) before you took over. Your ignorance of the world has not only made you look stupid, it has painted you into a corner you can’t get out of.

Oui, oui, we are so simplisme. Praise the heavens that we have friends that lecture us, and chide us and some of our European friends for missed opportunities to shut up, all the while making their own oil deals, selling banned weapons to Saddam, and calling us “arrogant.”

Well, cheer up — there IS good news. If you do go through with this war, more than likely it will be over soon because I’m guessing there aren’t a lot of Iraqis willing to lay down their lives to protect Saddam Hussein. After you “win” the war, you will enjoy a huge bump in the popularity polls as everyone loves a winner — and who doesn’t like to see a good ass-whoopin’ every now and then (especially when it ‘s some third world ass!). So try your best to ride this victory all the way to next year’s election. Of course, that’s still a long ways away, so we’ll all get to have a good hardy-har-har while we watch the economy sink even further down the toilet!

Yes, Mike. We’ll see who has the last “hardy-har-har”…

So far, it’s always Mr. Bush, and that just has you eating your ample liver, doesn’t it?

But, hey, who knows — maybe you’ll find Osama a few days before the election! See, start thinking like THAT! Keep hope alive! Kill Iraqis

Now, finally, here it comes, the obligatory chant, without which no mindless leftist spew would be complete. I was afraid that he was going to leave it out, but it just turned out he saved it for the very end…

they got our oil!!

Ah, the world is in balance once again.