I have a Chase credit line. I logged on to the site to pay my bill, and find a message:

ATTENTION! Your account is over its credit limit. Please pay now to protect your credit privileges. Please call us at 866-252-5780 immediately.

Why is my account over its limit? Because they charged me a thirty-five dollar late fee. Why did they charge me a thirty-five dollar late fee? Because I pay it on line, and Chase won’t tell you when your payment will actually post, so it’s pot luck.

I call the number, am put on hold for several minutes, and then finally get someone. She asks me what she can do for me. I explain that I’d like to get my fee waived.

“Oh, we don’t do that here. For that, you have to call 800-551-8340.”

“But this is the number that it said to call on the web site.”

“I wouldn’t know about that, but that’s the number you have to call.”

So I call the other number, and wait again. I finally get a message asking me to input my sixteen-digit number. Of course, since it’s a credit line, and not a credit card, the number has less than sixteen digits. I enter it anyway.

“We’re sorry, but we don’t recognize that account number.”

I then get a person.

“What’s your account number?”

I read it to him.

“Is that a credit card account?”

No, it’s a credit line account.

“We don’t handle those here. I’ll transfer you over.”

(Note, I get no number to call if the transfer doesn’t work–I just get to go through the process again).

Ringing again.

“If you want to use our speech recognition system, say ‘yes.’ If you want to use our touchtone system, press ‘1’.”

I press one, which takes me through a menu of options, none of which are “If you’d like to waive your late fee, because our sucky web site is uninformative about when your bill will actually get paid when you pay it on line, and furthermore can’t even provide the right number to call about it, please press…”

I finally hear an option to talk to a representative, and hit it.

“Please enter your account number, followed by the number sign.”

I do this (this is probably the dozenth time I’ve done it on these two calls).

Long pause.

I don’t know if this is the exact wording of the next words I heard, but it’s close:

“If you think that we’re ending this call by mistake, please feel free to call back.”

Dial tone.

It would never have occurred to me to try to make this stuff up. No one would believe it.