Household Safety Tip

Don’t hang curtains while nude, with an upright potato sitting on the kitchen table:

The vicar had to undergo a delicate operation to extract the vegetable, one of a range of odd items medics in Sheffield have had to remove from people’s backsides or genitals.

Others include a can of deodorant, a cucumber, a Russian doll – and a carnation.

I really hate it when you accidentally fall bare-assed on a carnation.

[Update a while later]

This raised my eyebrows:

A hospital trust spokeswoman in Sheffield said: “Like all busy hospitals we do see some unusual accidents.

“But our staff deal with them in a discreet, professional and kind way.”

Yes, because there’s nothing more discreet than talking to a reporter for the Telegraph, and making it national (and on the web, therefore international) news.

6 thoughts on “Household Safety Tip”

  1. My wife who is an RN has walked in on several female patients using the call light button as a dildo. That may or may not change your perception of the device the next time your in the hospital. I know I will ask if it’s been sterilized if I ever have to use one — and maybe give it the sniff test.

    Also, they had one elderly lady who several times throughout the day would ring the call light for assistance. They would discover that her entire hand and forearm was “stuck” up her anus and she needed assistance with extraction.

    It seems that it is not uncommon for people on heavy pain meds or with head injuries to become hyper-sexual. At which point you will find out who the chronic masturbators are. You would at least think they would stop when someone walks into the room but no, they just keep going at it until someone physically restrains them. I think when people act this way in a degraded mental capacity it just shows us that we are about 3 seconds on the evolutionary clock past being a bunch of poo flinging monkeys.

  2. Help me out people…

    There once was a Sheffield vicar,
    Whose evasions might have been quicker,
    While decorating sans duds, tumbled on to the spuds,

  3. There once was a Sheffield vicar,
    Whose evasions might have been quicker,
    While decorating sans duds, tumbled on to the spuds,

  4. There used to be a professionally-oriented medical website that posted x-rays of patients with (ahem) “unusual baggage”. My favorite was the guy who came in with the unexploded (note: NOT a dud or a practice round) 30mm anti-aircraft shell ‘hung up’; the man whose lover had filled him with fresh concrete was a close second.

    Sometimes you just gotta wonder.

  5. Hmmmmm.

    I knew a guy who worked as a transit cop for the New Jersey Transit organization. He recounted a story about finding a guy on a train platform with a Lux detergent bottle stuck up his a–.

    Money quote: “Officer I have no idea how this happened…”

    There is a serious anal fixation going on in this country.

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