I see the gluten-free section filled with crackers and bread made from various wheat-substitutes such as cardboard and sawdust. I skip this aisle because I’m not rich enough to have dietary restrictions. Ever notice that you don’t meet poor people with special diet needs? A gluten intolerant house cleaner? A cab driver with Candida? Candida is what I call a rich, white person problem. You know you’ve really made it in this world when you get Candida. My personal theory is that Candida is something you get from too much hot yoga. All I’m saying is if I were a yeast, I would want to live in your yoga pants.
Next I approach the beauty aisle. There is a scary looking machine there that you put your face inside of and it tells you exactly how ugly you are. They calculate your wrinkles, sun spots, the size of your pores, etc. and compare it to other women your age. I think of myself attractive but as it turns out, I am 78 percent ugly, meaning less pretty than 78 percent of women in the world. On the popular 1-10 hotness scale used by males the world over, that makes me a 3 (if you round up, which I hope you will.) A glance at the extremely close-up picture they took of my face, in which I somehow have a glorious, blond porn mustache, tells me that 3 is about right. Especially because the left side of my face is apparently 20 percent more aged than the right. Fantastic. After contemplating ending it all here and now, I decide instead to buy their product. One bottle of delicious smelling, silky feeling creme that is maybe going to raise me from a 3 to a 4 for only $108 which is a pretty good deal when you think about it.
Read the whole (foods) thing. It’s pretty funny.
Judging by the outrage being expressed in the vast majority of the highest-rated comments, Kelly MacLean’s blasphemy is dead on. But then, it is the Puffington Host.
I’ve seen the part about skin on the left side of the face being older (in terms of damage) than the right before. There is actually a reason for that; the reason being that American driving seats are on the left side of the car. For anyone who drives a lot (a large proportion of Americans) that means more UV exposure on the left. Although car window glass stops a lot of UV, it doesn’t stop it all.
I suspect that a similar test done on Brits (and much more so Australians) who drive a lot would reveal more damage on the right.
We need to raise awareness of that problem and market a really dumb solution that can be sold in supermarket checkout aisles.
One of the funniest things I have read in a long time. With a couple minor edits would work for Trader Joes too.
At least Trader Joe’s sells cheap beer so you don’t end up buying $108 face cream.
On the other hand, a month ago my local Trader Joe’s had a pallet of Stolichnaya gala apple vodka for $5.99 a bottle. I bought four and I don’t even drink vodka. I gave one bottle to a housemate and one to an old landlord a few days before he got his 8th or 9th DUI. I would feel kind of guilty about that but he got busted fifty feet from his driveway going on a beer run (because he’d run out) and tried to talk the officer out of the ticket by pointing out that his niece was married to a patrolman,the officer worked with – and then couldn’t remember what his niece’s name was. The other two bottles have been sitting here on the patio table for a month, untouched, in hopes that a homeless person will steal them.
We only just got a Trader Joe’s here in Dallas month. I’ll have to check that out. =)
I went to a World Market one time and found some trendy organic beer on sale for $9.99 for a case. I was like, “$10 for a case! Hell Yea!” I bought it and took it home and discovered that it was a blown batch. You popped the top and the moment you disturbed it the fizz would just boil the beer right out of the bottle all over the place. I figured out though that if you poured it into a glass carefully and waited for the fizz to die down then you could eventually get a full glass of beer, albeit flat. But it still got the job done. And there was about a six pack of bottles that were still fine to drink straight up.
Dude, Trader Joe’s is actually pretty good. Sure you have to put up with the crusty liberal boomers and the hipster cashiers (I kind of like them, I use them as a bad example to my daughter). But they have some very good breads, and frozen foods. I also usually grab a couple of bags of nuts to eat at work and their frozen Apple Blossom is like eating a rather good single serving pie. Yum. I’ve not been as impressed with Whole Foods. I think Joe’s has hit a nice spot between upscale trendy and flat out tasty at a ok price. Sort of like the opposite of Costco. I like both for what they are.
This is one of many things I don’t miss about my Ex. She absolutely had to eat fish because of some diet she was on but it could only come from WF. And she’d buy shishimi grade tuna and then tell me to grill it till became canned tuna. And she wonder into the cosmetic area and buy little tiny bottles of tea tree oil for $25 bucks. We’d walk out of there with 2 bags of groceries and and blown over $100. The only thing I liked about WF was that they would post the date the coffee beans were roasted on so you could hone in on the most freshly roasted beans. Makes an incredible difference in the taste of coffee when it’s been roasted within 2-3 days. But one time I bought some “uncured” ham sandwich slices and was like, “Oh it’s uncured so it’s like — all good and stuff”. But it was like chewing on a used sock. Thank you $8 ham that tastes like a used sock, I feel like I’ve contributed something to the world attempting to eat this……stuff.
At least you didn’t try to organic cow patties. They really are organic, ya know.
Next time I hear someone suggest gluten intolerance is an imagined condition I’m going to mail them a sample of my feces after eating regular pasta or bread.
Are you mailing anything liquid-fragile-perishable-or-hazardous?
I think you will get in trouble with the law if you send that sample is the US Mail. You had better send it private carrier, such as UPS. As they say, “What can Brown do for you today?”