Transterrestrial Musings

Frank J. explains:

You have to remember that the bureaucrats in government are a fiercely tribal people who base all their beliefs on an extreme ideology of government power. How did we think they’d react when we threatened to tear down all they know over some concept they’ve never even heard of — math? Did we think they’d really welcome us as liberators when we tossed them all out into the private sector — a scary world that demands things they can’t even understand, like productivity? No, of course not. Instead they did what seems logical to them: Fight against the invaders threatening them while rallying behind their supreme religious figure, President Obama.

Clearly they had it coming.

It’s a report chock full of grue:

Some of us from NRO were assigned to a cluster of hovels and lean-tos that has come to be called Ezra’s Alley. Others of us are acres away, on a strip they call Boehner’s Run. Still others are unaccounted for.

There is word of potable water and even some fuel on the other side of the river. But all of the crossings are controlled by the warlords of Alexandria and their confederates. From the tales told of their depravity, you’d rather drown than be taken alive.

Oh, the humanity.

Heh:

We have learned from the last four years that it is a mistake to rely on each other and to work together. It is my firm belief that one man, by himself, can train the nation’s math and science teachers—and probably, if he really tries, the nation’s English teachers as well. One man, acting alone, can build all the labs and networks and roads we need. When he is not training those teachers. Yeah, I’m talking about the same guy. What we must resolve never to do is work alongside one another.

Has there ever been prior president so given to outrageous straw men and refusal to grant good faith to his political opponents?

Frank J. demonstrates just how hard it is to do.

Both the Obama and Romney campaigns are trying to tamp down any thought that their candidate will prevail in tonight’s first debate. There was a discussion this morning on MSCNN.

“It’s been months since Romney debated in the primaries,” said a Romney adviser. “He’s gotten pretty rusty. I wouldn’t expect him to do very well the first time out.”

An Obama staffer scoffed. “Months?! It’s been four years since the last time the president debated. You can’t just jump right back in to it and expect to do well against someone who so thoroughly thrashed his opponents just a few months ago.”

“But it’s not just about how recent the experience is,” the Romney staffer protested. “Obama’s just a much better, more engaging speaker, period. Mitt will come off as wooden and robotic, like he always does.”

“Are you kidding me? Obama’s not going to have a teleprompter! Don’t you realize what a potential disaster that could be? When he’s off teleprompter, he can be almost Bidenesque in his potential for election-losing gaffes. I mean, ‘57 states‘? One of which is apparently Eau Claire? And he thinks that Europe is a country? Or that there’s an Austrian language? And how about the bomb that fell on Pearl Harbor? Or how he expects to be president for eight to ten years? Then there was the time his uncle, who was apparently in the Soviet Army, liberated Auschwitz.”

“Gaffes? You think your guy does gaffes?! My guy says he can’t get the vote of veterans and people on social security. He doesn’t like trees that are too high or too short. Or can’t figure out why it might be a bad idea to have windows that open in an airliner? Or calls himself unemployed? Or who thinks that middle income is ‘two hundred to two hundred fifty thousand or less’? Or makes ten-thousand dollar bets? And he ‘wears as little as possible’ to bed? Or who wishes he was a Latino? Don’t talk to me about gaffes. When it comes to gaffes, Mitt is gaffetastic, he’s the champ. Well, all right, as long as Joe Biden’s not in the room. I mean, I have to follow him around with my hand poised over his mouth, just in case.”

“Well, OK, your guy may make gaffe or two, but mine can barely speak English. With all that time he spent in Hawaii, and Indonesia, and Chicago, and being born in Kenya, it’s like it’s a second language to him. Or maybe a third. I mean, “Navy Corpse men“? It’s like he sees dead people. And how about Pockeykeestahn versus Afghanistan? Or his problems with Albany or Rensselaer?

“You think that Obama has problems with English? Between his Mexican grandparents, and the time he spent missionarying in France, Mitt can barely string two comprehensible English sentences together. His French is better than his English, and the French watch video of him trying to speak French for weekend entertainment. They think he’s funnier than Jerry Lewis, even if he’s not trying to be. Half the debate audience isn’t even going to be able to figure out what the hell he’s talking about.”

“English, shmenglish. My candidate has a frickin’ speech impediment. If there’s a drinking game for his stammering, and ‘ummmm’s and ‘aaaaahhhh’s, the television audience will be dead from alcohol poisoning before the debate’s half over.”

“You think that’s bad? My candidate has a temper. You never know when he could just lose it on the stage, and cut loose with a ‘Gosh darn it.’ It would totally cost him the hipster vote.”

“Your candidate has a temper? Your candidate has thin skin?! Didn’t you see that contemptuous look on his face when Ryan was schooling him during the health-care debate? If looks could kill, Ryan would have been a pile of smoldering ashes. If Mitt really gets to him, he might just pull out a gun and shoot him right on the stage. Sure, it would probably get him more votes, but it would be just one more blatant homicide, however justified, for the media to have to help us cover up.”

The Romney guy sighed. “Look, say what you want, but I’ll just be happy if Mitt can do better than stand there drooling for an hour and a half. That will be a good night for us.”

Man, The Onion is just brutal:

“What exactly is the news hook here?” asked Rick Kaplan, executive producer of the CBS Evening News. “Is this an upbeat human-interest story about a ‘day in the life’ of a bloodthirsty president who likes to kill people? Or is it more of an examination of how Obama’s unusual upbringing in Hawaii helped to shape the way he would one day viciously butcher two helpless citizens in their own home?”

“Or maybe the story is just that murder is cool now,” Kaplan continued. “I don’t know. There are a million different angles on this one.”

So far, the president’s double-homicide has not been covered by any major news outlets. The only two mentions of the heinous tragedy have been a 100-word blurb on the Associated Press wire and an obituary on page E7 of this week’s edition of the Lake County Examiner.

While Obama has expressed no remorse for the grisly murders—point-blank shootings with an unregistered .38-caliber revolver—many journalists said it would be irresponsible for the press to sensationalize the story.

“There’s been some debate around the office about whether we should report on this at all,” Washington Post senior reporter Bill Tracy said while on assignment at a local dog show. “It’s enough of a tragedy without the press jumping in and pointing fingers or, worse, exploiting the violence. Plus, we need to be sensitive to the victims’ families at this time. Their loved ones were brutally, brutally murdered, after all.”

This is the kind of length you have to go to in order to satirize these people now.