Category Archives: Satire

Humor, Political Commentary, Satire, Science And Society

Sometimes It’s Just Too Simple

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Scientists discover possible cause of the current heat wave:

“Our measurements indicate the massive amount of energy this thing gives off is able to travel 93 million miles and reach our planet is as little as eight and a half minutes,” said Professor Mitch Kivens, an astronomer at the California Institute of Technology. “While we can’t see them, we’re fairly certain these infrared rays strike Earth’s surface, become trapped by the atmosphere, and just heat everything up like a great big oven.”

“We originally thought that if this star was producing temperatures of 100-plus in the South and Midwest, it must be at least 100 degrees itself,” Kivens added. “But it turns out it’s far, far hotter than that, with a surface temperature of nearly 10,900 degrees Fahrenheit.”

Kivens and his CalTech colleagues said this intense radiation, which results from constant nuclear reactions converting hydrogen to helium in the star’s core, could also account for why the orb in the sky is extremely bright and difficult to stare at directly.

Remember, correlation is not causation.

Humor, Media Criticism, Political Commentary, Satire, Space

Our Space Journalism Award

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As some of you may have heard, I was presented with an award for New Space Journalism on Saturday night. As I said when I accepted it, I thought that it was a grave injustice, so I let the teddy bears, or dogs, or whatever they are accept it instead. The thing that I like about these guys is that they are brutally honest, whether when discussing venal politicians in space districts or space-journalism poseurs. It can sometimes be a problem, though, as you’ll see.

I have to admit, it was a little embarrassing. Don’t kids just say the darndest things?

I’m still looking for all the women I supposedly get. And if any rocket scientists out there can recommend a materials-compatible lubricant for the suggested procedure, I’d appreciate it.

[Update a few minutes later]

For those people worried that she really won’t do any more videos, don’t sweat it. Sometimes the talent can be temperamental, but I’ll calm her down. I’m thinking I’ll buy her a cute little poodle skirt and a pair of pom poms, so she can cheer for SLS. She’ll love it.

Rah.

Business, Economics, Media Criticism, Political Commentary, Satire

It All Makes Sense Now

Larry J. has figured out what happened to the country:

I think I’ve finally figured out what happened in 2008. We’re all living the ultimate reality TV show. Obama is the hapless boob – think The Truman Show or An Idiot Abroad – with no job experience and nothing to show for his life except for two autobiographies written by age 45 (and it isn’t even certain he wrote them). The pitch for the show must’ve gone something like this:

Pitchman: Hey, I’ve got a great idea! Let’s push to elect someone totally unqualified to be the next president of the United States! We’ll be guaranteed at least a four-year run as we watch him blunder from one stupid thing to another.

Media Exec: Won’t that be hard?

Pitchman: No, I’ve got it figured out. First, we’ll push a black guy as our dupe and call anyone who doesn’t support him a racist. Second, we’ll get the news department to push every negative story we can find or invent to get the country in a bad mood like we did in 1992. Third, we’ll tell everyone how brilliant the guy is and expect everyone to believe it without a shred of evidence. Finally, we’ll point out how “cool” he is to get the young and stupid vote.

Media Exec: Sounds like a plan. What’s in it for us?

Pitchman: We’ll be more influential than ever before!

Media Exec: Who will be the boob?

Pitchman: We’ve found the idea candidate. His name is Obama and he’s the junior senator from Illinois. He reads well from a teleprompter and has a nice looking family but the guy is a total idiot when it comes to economics, history, or actually accomplishing anything. He spent years hanging around radicals and Marxists. He’ll run the country into the ground in no time.

Media Exec: Go for it!

I wish the show would end sooner.

Humor, Political Commentary, Satire

The President’s Foreign Policy

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Explained:

[Attacking Libya is] consistent with the War Powers Act, which is constitutional on the third Tuesday of every month but not when applied to kinetic military actions that look a lot like wars, especially when you’re leading from behind against Muammar Qaddafi, who’s a tyrant responsible for a number of man-caused disasters, unlike the ophthalmologist who’s reforming Syria with tanks and flamethrowers that don’t destroy nearly as many jobs as the ATMs located in Las Vegas, where nobody should go to blow a bunch of cash when saving for college, except Joe Biden, who nobody messes with and is a big f*****g deal because he liberated Auschwitz with Patton during an overseas contingency operation that was the boldest decision by any president who hasn’t healed the planet or lowered the missile-defense shields in Eastern Europe so that the Russians will pressure the Iranians to hit the reset button on their nuclear-weapons program and make peace with the Israelis, since no one else will as long as they unreasonably insist on maintaining their existence and building shovel-ready projects in Jerusalem without the use of stimulus money that has proven time and again to keep unemployment rates below 8 percent whenever a Republican drives his car into a ditch while sitting in the back seat sipping a Slurpee and working on his tan like a typical white person whose house is surrounded by a moat with alligators to keep out people who do the jobs Americans won’t do because at some point they’ve made enough money to act as stupidly as the Cambridge police or someone who smuggles AK-47s to Mexican drug cartels in an effort to win the future, just like MacArthur did when Emperor Hirohito came down and surrendered to him at the end of World Time-Limited Scope-Limited Military Action II — which everybody agrees was George Bush’s fault.

Only another year and a half. I hope we survive it.

Humor, Political Commentary, Satire, Social Commentary

A Silent Crisis

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Jonah Goldberg raises the alarm:

The conviction of former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich coincided with the release of a new study that finds that, since the 1970s, a current or former Illinois governor is more likely to be in the criminal justice system than out. This is a shocking state of affairs that deserves more public attention and more dedication from the governor community. If only someone had reached out to these Illinois governors earlier. If only they had more positive role models. Perhaps if video games and TV weren’t full of images of politicians ripping off their states. Who knows what causes this epidemic? What we do know is that something must be done to stop this crisis in the heartland, to halt this inter-generational pattern of gubernatorial criminal pathology.

It’s only a matter of time until the pathology extends to other Chicago-based politicians, all the way to Washington, DC.