Category Archives: Satire

Humor, Political Commentary, Satire

Some Advice For Obama

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…from the previous most powerful writer in history:

No doubt the brother would rather lay down the slapahoe against his domestic haters, but even then he’s just a punkass Roman wannabe. Take this Fox News / radio orators thing. Plebeian bitches serve him some straightup insolent haterade, and what does Obamacus do? Sends out his Praetorian guards to whine like pu**ies and rattle their fasces. Yo Obamacus, Rome up your s**t! If you knew the first thing about handlin’ your s**t SPQR-style, you’d be turning Capitol Hill into Crucifixion Hill. Glennus Beckus? Boom! Up on the cross, bitch. Rushus Limbavus? Boom! You been served. Shit, send the survivors a bill for the nails. Believe the Juice, if you want to consolidate power and keep it real with your base, start lining that Washington Mall with Fox talking heads. Up on pikes.

Same thing with these tea party douchebags. Back in the BC, a mack dictator like the Juice didn’t put up with that open rebellion s**t. Come on player, get your game on! Confiscate that damn football stadium you got sitting over across the Potomac, and get yourself a couple bargeloads of pit lions from the Ethiopians. Let’s see how those teabaggers enjoy being the halftime entertainment at the Redskins-Giants game. LMAO bitches, thumbs down. And believe me, nothing boosts an imperator’s public approval rating like turning the opposition into lion snausages. Your loyal plebes will love it, and after the games you can hand out free bread. And healthcare.

They just don’t make dictators like they used to.

Humor, Media Criticism, Political Commentary, Satire

It’s A Quagmire

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The White House is bogged down in its war with Fox News:

…while the President drapes his unpopular policies with concern for the well-being of American journalism, more and more editors, reporters, and even unionized janitorial staff are beginning to oppose their commander-in-chief for trying to “win” an unwinnable war with their hands, instead of just using executive powers to ban all dissenting speech.

“I’ve been in the media for a long time, I signed up because I hate this right-wing, knuckle-dragging, imperialist system, and I would gladly sacrifice any number of my fellow Americans to advance my agenda – but this is a dumb war and a rash war,” Keith Olbermann of MSNBC told The People’s Cube outside a congressional office he visited to demand a government crackdown on dissidents. “Why must we in the field put our reputations on the line when this Congress has the power to simply confiscate Rupert Murdoch’s assets and put Beck, Hannity, and Coulter in jail?”

They seem to be losing the battle for the hearts and minds. Of course, in Olbermann’s case, there’s nothing to be won there in the latter case.

I particularly like this: “The dangerous prospect of an informed voter loomed large in the Obama administration’s plans of a pre-emptive strike.”

Humor, Media Criticism, Political Commentary, Satire

More Advice For “Liberals”

33 Comments

From Frank J. How to deal with angry conservatives:

Call them racists: If we shout “Racist!” every time they say something, maybe they’ll finally reflect on the racism that motivates them against a black president and give up whatever silly cause they think they’re pushing. If they dispute the racism accusation, point out how sensitive they are about the charge and how that further proves it’s true (people who really aren’t racist shouldn’t have any problem with being called racist). If further evidence is needed, point out to them that the president is black and they are white and that it’s obvious to everyone that a white person saying bad things about an underprivileged black person is quite racist. If the conservative isn’t white, though, this can be confusing. Make sure to give that person a pamphlet describing the political views he is supposed to have based on his race. If the person doesn’t read the pamphlet, you might have to try using a racial slur. It’s okay, if the person deserves it.

Point out how much smarter Obama is than they are: Obama is obviously very smart (obviously!), but somehow conservatives are overlooking that simple fact. Maybe they’ll be less angry if we keep emphasizing how Obama and his staff are much, much smarter than they are, and in fact they are very stupid compared to Obama and other liberals. Then conservatives will realize that Obama, being smarter than them, probably knows what he’s doing, so there is nothing to fear and be angry about unless you’re a really stupid person.

It’s great advice. Let’s hope they keep taking it.

Humor, Media Criticism, Political Commentary, Popular Culture, Satire

Eat Steak!

1 Comment

Meet girls!

It’s true — U.S. government demand for art and art-like products has never been higher! Uncle Sam and the good folks at the National Endowment for the Arts are on the lookout for go-getting, obedient artists like you for a fast-paced career in state propaganda. With the quick and easy Federal Art Instruction Institute course, now you too can get a first class ticket on the federal art gravy train!

Anyone can do it. As long as they Obey!

Plus, a bonus ACORN ad.

Humor, Political Commentary, Satire

Bush Did It, Too

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Iowahawk has found a secret transcript between the NEA and the arts community under the BusHitler administration.

MR. SMIRNOV: Oak Ridge boys, can you puts the phone on mute? Hey, in Russia, phone mutes you! Henghenghenhgg Hokay, now is time to stop for the jokings. For all yous on the phone I am Yakov Smirnov, and I am comedy artist escape from Russia. Now the President Bush he is making me the deputy outreach coordinator for the Nationals Endowments for the Art. What a country! This is why I make this phones call with all of you today. You are all very very important buddies from the Arts community and the Crafts community and the Vegas Lounge and Branson community. Is my job to lets you buddies know how much Mr. President Bush think you doing important Arts and shows. Is totally awesome!

MR. HANEY’S CHAINSAW: vrrruuppp vruupppa winggadinggg vvvvwiiing wiiiiiiiiing

MR. SMIRNOV: Mr. Haney, you put chainsaw on mutes, hokay? Now like Yakov say, Mr. President he is like many things you do with the lawn ornaments and needlepoints and like thats. But he knows is tough out theres for the Arts people and sometimes yous have to do two buffet shows every day to make the ends meet. So he say, hey! How abouts that Nationals Art Endowments? It gots plenty money for my buddies. So he say, Yakov get my buddies together and talks about how they can go do the Art things for service to me. Oops, I mean America!

MS. CZARNOSKI: Speaking as an artist, I would first like to say, what’s my cut?

MR. SMIRNOV: Is very good question. Is very much sliding scale depending how much service yous do for Mr. Bush. I mean America community. Mister Bush he sees many places where is good for Art. Here is to explain Mr. good buddy vice president Dick Cheney.

MR. CHENEY: Hello everyone and thank you Yakov. I would like to say…

MR. SMIRNOV: Please not to shoots me, Mr. Vice Presidents!

MR. CHENEY:

MR. SMIRNOV: hhenng heh… heee…

MR. CHENEY:

MR. SMIRNOV: uh… Yakov make bad joke. Please Cheney buddy, Yakov sorry.

So I guess that we won’t be able to complain about Obama.

Humor, Political Commentary, Satire

The Lion of Leinenkugel

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Iowahawk has the exclusive story.

Born on July 9, 1947 as the 7th child of legendary La Crosse welding supply impresario and kingmaker Elmer Snitker, Norman Snitker grew up amid the stately opulence afforded by his father’s reported $15,000 fortune, bass boat, and palatial storage shed. By all accounts a precocious drinker, he took early advantage of his birthright and fully stocked basement liquor cabinet, earning the first of his 138 lifetime DUIs at age 11.

Although he grew up in privilege, Snitker insiders say that even at a young age Norm showed a deep empathy for those who were less fortunate.

“Norm would look at the other kids at school, and say, ‘why don’t they have access to the same fake IDs as me? Why must they remain sober?'” said classmate Glenn Hunsaker. “It became a crusade for him, and he became an activist. Every Friday night you’d see him at the Piggly Wiggly parking lot, making sure that every kid in La Crosse got the Pabst and Old Style that they so desperately needed.”

Despite those early accomplishments, young Norm Snitker was often overshadowed by his glamorous and dashing older brothers, Stu, Larry and Wayne, whose tragic deaths transfixed southwest Wisconsin. He was only seven when eldest brother Stu was felled by a salmonella-infected bratwurst. By the time he was was an 18-year old GED student, eldest surviving brother Larry M. Snitker had already taken the helm of the family’s Tri-County Welding Supply dynasty. The brief golden age of Weldalot came to a tragic end at the 1967 ‘Ice Bowl’ game between the Green Bay Packers and the Dallas Cowboys, when a celebrating LMS was slain by a goalpost icicle. He was succeeded by Wayne, whose life abruptly ended in 1981 after his mullet became ensnared in the rollers of a QuikTrip weenie heater.

There’s more.