…of President Palin.
Category Archives: Satire
The Mission Continues To Shrink
Doug Messier has a scoop on the latest cost cutting efforts at NASA. One small step for a dummy, one giant leap for dummykind.
The First Reviews Are In
Star Trek fans think the movie sux.
The Latest Stop On The Apology Tour
You may or may not be shocked to learn that, after hours at the Space Access conference, discussions took place, often with alcohol involved. One of the results is my latest piece at PJM, in which I report on the president’s attempt to repair our relations with the solar system.
The Journochat
Iowahawk has managed to penetrate the Journolist, and found a copy of the latest chat session:
SPENCER ACKERMAN: did katha leave?
MATTHEW YGLESIAS: yeah
SPENCER ACKERMAN: shes a total bitch but she’s right… none of the hot media girls will hang out with us
EZRA KLEIN: i/k, but i don’t get it… i know i used to have kind of a complexion problem but it cleared up after i started using ProActiv
CHRIS HAYES: i/k a couple of us are a little chubby but were all pretty cute and it’s not like we wear gross clothes or anything
SPENCER ACKERMAN: ya but the only girls who will talk to us are ugly av club lepers like katha and jane hamsher and amanda marcotte
EZRA KLEIN: dont forget the two naomis
MATTHEW YGLESIAS: ewwwwww
JOSH MARSHALL: sometimes i really hate my body… does anyone know any good fast diets?
ERIC ALTERMAN: dont fall in that trap josh… read the article in the May Teen Utne about dealing with body image
MATTHEW YGLESIAS: idk if im ready to really be with a girl
KATHA POLLITT has entered the room.
KATHA POLLITT: this is katha and jane and amanda!! we are at amandas house and we have been reading EVERYTHING you boys said!!!! F/U!!! i hope your happy, jane is crying in the bathroom!!!
EZRA KLEIN: oh s**t sorry
KATHA POLLITT: tell it to jane you JERK-O-LIST AZZHOLES!! And guess what ezra?? I have a screen cap of the whole thing!!! I bet mickey kaus will be interested in seeing it!!!!
EZRA KLEIN: come on dont do that katha
KATHA POLLITT: too late ezra, and you can write ur own f**king blogpost for 1st period. FTW!!!
KATHA POLLITT has left the room.
MATTHEW YGLESIAS: faaaaack
EZRA KLEIN: we’re screwed
JOSH MARSHALL:
Highlarious.
You Know They’ve Gone Too Far
…when they’ve nationalized Iowahawk:
The legislative charter of the TWRA, established by Congress and the President, specifies its principle goal as the preservation of jobs in the critically important blogging sector of the American economy. Thus the board invited Mr. Burge to present a formal proposal on March 11. After a brief negotiation period, Mr. Burge’s initial request of $6.3 billion was lowered to a mutually agreeable $750 and cab fare to the Greyhound station. In exchange, Mr. Burge agreed to (1) regularly submit the financial records of Iowahawk to TWRA oversight regulators, (2) cease outsourcing joke production to foreign subcontractors, and (3) implement a rigorous program of personal hygiene.
Well, at least they didn’t force a merger with Saturday Night Live.
A Political Shocker
Arlen Specter is going to cross the aisle, and run as an actual Republican.
How To Get Your Family Out Of A Financial Crisis
Apparently, this is wise advice in these tough times, for families everywhere.
More Words Of Conservative Wisdom
T. Coddington Voorhees VII is guest blogging at Iowahawk’s place again:
That conundrum of electoral calculus was the topic of much discussion two weeks ago, when my Nassau confreres and I were summoned to the White House for an intimate repast with the new President and his inner circle. Mr. Obama was radiant as ever, still basking in the afterglow of his historic victory. I admit to a recent wobble or two in my faith in him, as the severe beatings suffered by my various family trusts have necessitated some unanticipated cutbacks in my household staff. But that easy, commanding elegance was a bracing reminder of why I endorsed Mr. Obama as the true conservative presidential choice. After dessert (black walnut dacquoise with sections of quince) we retired to the Blue Room where chief of staff Rahm Emanuel entertained us with some droll tales of his days as terpsichorean with the Mossad ballet auxiliary, even treating us to a few thrilling, if f-bomb laced, arabesques. He was followed by Vice President Joe Biden, who put on a fine display of his famed wit and penchant for unpredictable cerebral infarctions. Amid the sparkling bonhomie the President solicited our views on the causes of — and solutions to — conservatism’s sad state. Seizing the opportunity for a tete-a-tete with the world’s most powerful, popular, and beautiful man, I explained the tragic plague of rubes who stand athwart our modernization program.
“Why not just drive them out?” asked the President, elegantly French inhaling his Marlboro Light 100. “Under the old bus, so to speak.”
“Alas, were it so easy,” interrupted Brooks, in a clumsy attempt to draw Mr. Obama’s attentions from me like some cocquettish debutante. Parker, Noonan and Frum were too lost in orgasmic schoolgirl giggling to offer anything more substantive. I ignored their embarrasing faux pas and pressed on with my thesis.
“We’ve tried, Mr. President,” I explained. “But there are unsavory elements within the party who keep bringing them back in.”
My reference, obviously, was to the self-styled luminaries of “populism” who hang like a millstone around the Republican neck — the Sarah Palins, the Plumbing Joes, the Bobby Jindals, the Rush Limbaughs, the motley middlebrow state college pretenders to the conservative throne. A shared contempt for these arriviste oafs unites the Nassau summitteers perhaps even more than our shared fondness for a snifter of well-behaved armagnac VSOP. I have made no secret of my feelings about la Palin and her grim brood of ill-mannered snowbillies, as well that horrid toilet tinkerer from Toledo whose fifteen minutes have somehow refused to expire. The recent emergence of Bobby Jindal and Rush Limbaugh in the intraparty maelstrom yet affords fresh opportunities for conservative dismality.
What is a conservative to do?
Take Your Tea And Shove It
Economy stimulator extraordinaire Iowahawk tells the American Tea Party what to do with their bags:
Thanks to the new federal mortgage bailout bill, Americans like me are finally on track for housing security. Previously facing a $1.2 million debt from three mortgage on a home recently appraised at $43,500, less missing bathroom fixtures and windows, the President’s plan allowed me to renegotiate my payments down to a level that will keep me solvent until at least mid June-ish. Now that my family and various friends from Jimbo’s Tap Room no longer have to worry about having a stable crash pad, we are finally free to resume the spending that will lead America back to economic prosperity.
I wish I could take credit for it, but it took the collective effort of hundreds of thousands of us in the subprime community, working with the financial industry and public sector officials. Unfortunately, there is another group out there who is working to kill important financial bailout reforms just as they are sparking a renaissance in the American housing market. I’m speaking, of course, of the so-called “Tea Party” tax protesters.
I’m sure you’ve heard of them or read their emails: “Wah, I paid my mortgage.” “Wah, I didn’t use my house for an ATM.” “Wah, Dave I need that hundred back I lent you at Christmas.” Now, I’m as sympathetic to a good sob story as anybody, but these whiners have nobody to blame but themselves for their predicament. Anyone who kept track of the Gallup presidential polls last year should have known what was coming, so don’t blame me if you decided to waste your money paying your stupid mortgage. But, in the six-dimensional bizarro world of these noisy tax gripes, they expect me to give up my bailout to pay for their irresponsible lack of foresight! Helloooo?! Beam me up, Scotty!
Some people are just ingrates.