This just in from Iowahawk (aka David Burge)–a Transterrestrial exclusive (so far). This is so tasteless, it’s delicious.
Secluded Lake, CA – Saying that “the very survival of prom is at stake,” Secluded Lake High School junior class president Chad Blackthorne vowed a clampdown on local Zombie militant factions that have claimed nearly one third of the student body in recent suicide forays on area lakeside cabins.
The international press and diplomatic community were quick to condemn Blackthorne?s new hardline anti-Zombie position, warning that armed reprisals risked long-term peace prospects in the heavily-wooded region.
?Blackthorne?s continued bellicosity will only conclude in more deaths, re-deaths and re-re-deaths,? said an editorial in London?s Guardian Thursday. ?If the weekend dismemberment of twelve scantily-clad SLHS cheerleaders proves anything, it is the need for a permanent Zombie homeland.?
Warning that a retaliatory strike “will only heighten regional tensions,” an emergency international diplomatic task force urged local attractive teenagers to adhere to their landmark 1999 peace agreement with area flesh-eating armies of the undead.
“We ask that all parties return to the negotiating table,” said United Nations Secretary General Kofi Annan. “Only through meaningful dialog will we find a political settlement that balances the teenagers’ interest in security with the Zombies’ interest in self-determination, and delicious fresh teenager brains.”
Despite the growing chorus of criticism and calls for restraint, it appears that hardliners in the student assembly were in firm control. Late this afternoon a heavily-armed phalanx of SLHS pep squad members surrounded the mausoleum headquarters of Zombie Authority chairman Nghh-Ghungh Hngghh.
DECOMPOSING A BITTER HISTORY
The latest outbreak of bloodshed and limbshed marked a new low point in the deteriorating relations between local attractive teenagers and the impoverished Zombie community who live in the muddy west bank of Secluded Lake.
According to Everett Kelly of the University of California?s Institute of Zombie Studies, the factional tensions in this sleepy California hamlet go back nearly fifty years.
?In 1956, the teenage population in Secluded Lake was decimated when the fall sock hop was invaded by giant atomic mutant ants,? said Kelly. ?And the survivors had to contend with kelp-covered lagoon creatures and intergalactic aliens in wobbly tin spacecraft.?
Just as many had written off the chances, however, Secluded Lake High developed a powerful defense force of hot-rod hepcats in souped-up roadsters who scored a decisive victory over monster forces in the famed Dragstrip Riot of 1958.
After sporadic battles in the early 1960s against werewolves and unfrozen cavemen surfers, the threat had largely subsided. By 1974, however, local teens were facing a new and even more determined foe.
DAWN OF THE DEAD
?It was the groovy Seventies, and Secluded Lake High students were looking for far-out new places to get down and pah-tay,? explained Kelly. ?Many of them began driving their jacked-up Dusters and boogie vans to the deserted cabins on the west bank of Secluded Lake.?
?The new settlements alarmed the local Zombie community, who resented the invasion of their homeland,? he added. ?They were further enraged by the teens? gigantic shirt collars and nonstop Foghat 8-tracks.?
For many of the dispossessed undead, the incursion was the final straw in a long list of grievances against SLHS. For one, a charismatic young corpse named Nghh-Ghungh Hngghh, it called for direct–and bloody–response.
He recruited dozens of Zombie militants to his fledgling organization, Nnnghhrrr Ghmmng Mnmrrrghn (NGM), and planned radical action against the teens. In September 1975, they made their first strike?-bursting through the fogged-up windows of a Ford Econoline containing two writhing SLHS students.
?The van was a-rockin?, but the Zombies came a-knockin,?? noted Kelly.
While teenage forces eventually exterminated the militants, the episode was a major public relations coup for the Zombie cause and exposed serious weaknesses in the teenager?s defense strategy.
?Despite their previous success against marauding atomic mutants and beast-men, the teenagers were totally unprepared for this new style of warfare,? said Warren Rathke of Georgetown University. ?They relied on outmoded anti-Zombie tactical methods, like splitting into small search parties and skinny dipping at 2 AM.?
?But you must give some credit to NGM,? added Rathke. ?They were relentless, dedicated and deceptively quick. Despite their lumbering, awkward gait they proved almost impossible for the teenagers to outrun.?
Throughout the 1980s and 1990s, Hngghh found a surplus of young Zombie activists willing to hurl themselves through van windows or smash up through cabin floorboards, a determined army willing to sacrifice themselves for a Zombie homeland and a taste of Teenager Tartare.
While local teenagers continued to execute retaliatory strikes against the Zombies, the reprisals evoked a global outcry against teenager brutality. European governments were particularly critical, especially those with large and growing Zombie immigrant communities.
Even within the halls of Secluded Lake High, the mounting casualties eventually took their toll on student body military resolve. A significant peace movement formed, and student voters elected to replace the hardline student council and Homecoming Princess in 1999.
In a radical departure from previous administrations, new student council president Amber Nielsen worked out a broad peace agreement with Hngghh which granted the Zombies autonomy over the KOA campsite region near Secluded Lake.
The dramatic deal earned Nielsen and Hngghh lavish praise from the international diplomatic community, and they were jointly awarded the 2000 Secluded Lake Rotary Club Peace Prize. Nielsen received hers posthumously after being eaten by a group of Zombie activists.
The deal was not enough to quell the simmering rage of Zombies in the camps, however, and Hngghh was unable to prevent additional attacks last year from radical new pro-Zombie splinter groups like Mnmwwnhhg, Hgngnghh and the Reform Party.
The situation has spun violently out of control this year. High-School hardliners have returned to power, vowing to crush Zombie radical cells and get more parking permits for seniors. A rising tide of Zombie fundamentalism has forced Hnngghh to readopt a hardline position as well.
With their defense forces surrounding Hngghh?s crypt compound, it appears that the teenagers have, for the time being, gained control of the volatile situation. However, they have received little support from the international community and face growing pressure to relent in their crackdown on Zombie dissent and brain-eating.
European governments and media have amplified their calls for a permanent Zombie homeland, and dozens of European peace activists volunteered today to act as human shields to protect Hngghh from harm. They were later eaten.
US opinion for the most part has been mixed. Editorials in the Wall Street Journal and MTV?s Total Request Live were predictably pro-teenager. Eric Alterman of The Nation faulted TRL for its “relentless anti-Zombie bias” which he attributed to ?tainted advertising money from Clearasil and Cliff Notes.?
Other news outlets were more even in their coverage of the latest events. The New York Times criticized the Zombies for ?their ill-advised eating of teenagers,? but also criticize the teenagers for ?their equally ill-advised efforts to stop the Zombies from eating teenagers.?
A GLIMMER OF HOPE
With the teenagers holding the upper hand militarily and the Zombies holding the advantage politically, an immediate solution to the crisis seems unlikely. In this high-stakes game of territorial poker, neither side is willing to fold by returning to the bargaining table.
Some see a glimmer of hope in the new Disfigured-Slasher Peace Plan that was proposed at last month?s Deranged-Menace Summit, and endorsed by a broad coalition of masked chainsaw maniacs, demonically-possessed ventriloquist dummies, and ephemeral creatures from the nightmare realm.
?While we stand united behind our Zombie brothers, we are wish to create an environment of peace for everyone in the Secluded Lake area,? said Jason Krueger, chief architect of the peace proposal. ?It doesn?t matter whether you go to high school, if you are partially decomposed, or if you wear a hockey mask-?can?t we all get along??
?We are offering the teenagers a sweet deal,? explained Krueger. ?In exchange for withdrawing from Secluded Lake campgrounds, we in the Deranged-Menace coalition are prepared to acknowledge the teenagers? right to exist.?
?Plus,? he added, ?if they ever need help babysitting, we?ll be right there.?