Category Archives: Satire

A Dispatch From Sequesteria

It’s a report chock full of grue:

Some of us from NRO were assigned to a cluster of hovels and lean-tos that has come to be called Ezra’s Alley. Others of us are acres away, on a strip they call Boehner’s Run. Still others are unaccounted for.

There is word of potable water and even some fuel on the other side of the river. But all of the crossings are controlled by the warlords of Alexandria and their confederates. From the tales told of their depravity, you’d rather drown than be taken alive.

Oh, the humanity.

No, Suzi Parker

Sarah Palin is not going to work for Al Jazeera.

Too good to fact check, I guess.

[Update a couple minutes later]

More scoops for Suzi. Heh.

Hopefully, her humiliation is just beginning.

[Update a few minutes later]
#suziparkerscoops

Iowahawk: “There are times when we should cease the cruel humiliation of a fellow human being. This is not one of those times. #suziparkerscoops”

The Full Romney Inaugural Speech

Like Ramesh Ponnuru, I’ve been dumpster diving, and acquired the entire draft of Mitt Romney’s speech for his inauguration (that Ramesh merely excerpted from an earlier one). The governor apparently wrote it despite the fact that he didn’t want to be president very much (thanks a heap, Republican establishment, for delivering unto us yet another outstanding nominee). Reading it in its entirety makes it little easier to understand President Obama’s Gettysburgesque speech on Monday. It does clearly illuminate the character of the monster who gleefully killed that unemployed guy’s wife with cancer, and tried to keep Sandra Fluke off the pill, along with the other women in binders.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Vice President Ryan, Mr. Chief Justice, members of the United States Congress, distinguished guests, and fellow citizens, each time we gather to inaugurate a president, we bear witness to the enduring strength of our Constitution. We affirm the promise of our democracy. We recall that what binds this nation together is not the colors of our skin or the tenets of our faith or the origins of our names. What makes us exceptional, what makes us America is our allegiance to an idea articulated in a declaration made more than two centuries ago. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.

But we also know that these truths are self executing, and that there is no need for the federal government.

Many say that a modern economy requires railroads and highways to speed travel and commerce, schools and colleges to train our workers. Some foolishly believe that a free market only thrives when there are rules to ensure competition and fair play. Many even claim that a great nation must care for the vulnerable and protect its people from life’s worst hazards and misfortune.

Well, that’s all nonsense. Travel and commerce worked just fine in the days of horses and canal boats — our nation sustained great economic growth then. And when you overeducate people, it just raises their expectations. Rules that ensure competition and so-called “fair play” just inhibit trade and development. And what kind of pansy nation have we become that we think we need government, and particularly the federal government, to protect us from misfortune. Grow a pair, people!

Just as I believe that we could have defeated the communists and fascists with muskets and militia, I believe that even if we do need railroads and highways, we don’t need a government to do it. We have learned from the last four years that it is a mistake to rely on each other and to work together. It is my firm belief that one man, by himself, can train the nation’s math and science teachers — and probably, if he really tries, the nation’s English teachers as well. One man, acting alone, can build all the labs and networks and roads we need. When he is not training those teachers. Yeah, I’m talking about the same guy. What we must resolve never to do is work alongside one another.

I’ll go farther and forthrightly state that the notion that every citizen deserves a basic measure of security and dignity is socialistic nonsense. In fact, the key to our country’s success is to have a shrinking few do very well, while the vast majority can barely make it. It toughens them up. Also, children born in the bleakest poverty must learn to accept their fate. That’s just the luck of the draw. The way to reform entitlements is to stop taking care of the generation that built this country. We’ve just got to go cold turkey on that.

And when it comes to freedom, obviously it is reserved for the lucky, and happiness is only for the few. That’s just the way it’s always been, and the way it should be.

I totally reject the overwhelming judgment of science. What do scientists know, anyway? I don’t need science when I have the Book of Mormon.

And even if it’s getting a little warm, and blizzardy and tornadoey, and the planet is on fire, we’ll be OK for a while, and even if not, I repeat, grow a pair, people! Anyway, we have no obligations to posterity — what did posterity ever do for us? We have obligations only to ourselves.

As for technology, I want to cede it to other nations. All it does is generate new products that most people can’t afford anyway.

And I want to come out firmly in favor of perpetual war. It pumps up the economy, and gets all those unemployed people off the streets, so I don’t have to look at them begging when I drive by in my limo. As president, I’m going to invade every country in the world that so much as looks crossways at us.

That’s all I have to say.

So God bless you, and go out and get a job.

Losers.

As Ramesh says, we really dodged a bullet there.

The Romney Inaugural Address

Heh:

We have learned from the last four years that it is a mistake to rely on each other and to work together. It is my firm belief that one man, by himself, can train the nation’s math and science teachers—and probably, if he really tries, the nation’s English teachers as well. One man, acting alone, can build all the labs and networks and roads we need. When he is not training those teachers. Yeah, I’m talking about the same guy. What we must resolve never to do is work alongside one another.

Has there ever been prior president so given to outrageous straw men and refusal to grant good faith to his political opponents?

Pretend Gun Control

Frank J. has a great idea that should make everyone happy, ignorant and knowledgeable alike:

…What we can do is pass a law banning a bunch of made-up things that sound scary, and many gun control proponents already have great ideas along this line. For instance, I read a column in which Howard Kurtz mentioned a ban on high-magazine clips — we can certainly do without something that nonsensical. And I’ve heard the press before mention armor-piercing hollow points and plastic guns (actually, I think we already banned that made-up weapon in the ’80s). And as long as the NRA and Wayne LaPierre go apoplectic about it (“This ban on sorcerer-enchanted guns is just a slippery slope toward eliminating all witch-hexed weaponry!”), gun control proponents won’t know the difference between this and actual gun control. And this will help protect our most vulnerable people out there: politicians. Because long after the gun control advocates move on to other things, like who they want to tax next, gun owners will still be annoyed by any actual gun control legislation. One of the greatest fears politicians have is seeing an angry guy with lots of guns charging down the street, because they know he’s probably on his way to commit an act of voting.

Of course, with this idea, absolutely nothing will be done to keep criminals and madmen from obtaining guns, but that’s the effect of every other gun control law, so we’re just reaching this end in a much cheaper and less messy fashion.

I think you could probably even get it through the House. And the enforcement costs would be zero.

Those Lazy Job Creators

Frank J. gives them what for:

…that’s the tough line the government needs to take with job creators: You will spit out those jobs we demand — and good ones with health-care benefits! — or we will destroy you and your businesses.

Raising their taxes by repealing the Bush tax cuts is just the start. We need even more taxes and punishing regulations. We need to treat these people like the scum they are, and if they don’t want to watch their companies burn, they’ll yield and finally expand their businesses and create more jobs — and not make any more profit or get richer when they do that, because we find that highly annoying.

We’ve had enough of your sickening greed, business owners, so give us everything we want, and give it to us now.

Right on.

Employee Code: USAPOTUS0044

A performance review:

Deliverable 2: Public Safety. Under your management, violent crime is up 18 percent — the first such increase in 20 years. Your “Fast and Furious” project has caused serious damage to the balance sheet: one dead federal officer, more than a hundred dead civilians, a seriously cheesed-off next-door business partner, and zero cartel convictions — the lattermost being, if I understand your business strategy, the whole point of this mess. Your performance reports here have been remarkably obstructive, which is why you should have on our advice terminated Eric Holder.

Deliverable 3: Energy. When interviewing for this position, you said, and I quote, “We could have headed off $4-a-gallon gas.” We’ve seen gas prices above or near $4 for most of your term, and above $5 in some parts of the country under the management of your associates. Energy production on the firm’s lands is down substantially year-over-year.

Deliverable 4: Balance Sheet. During your interview, you proposed cutting the firm’s current operating deficit in half. In fact, the firm has acquired trillions of dollars of new debt under your management, along with new unfunded liabilities that our accountants are still trying to work out. When you were presented recommendations from a committee named by you and your management team, you refused even to consider implementing them. You are on track to add another $1 trillion in debt this year.

…On a personal note, I’d like to say that the first time I ever had to fire anybody, I felt really bad about it. She was a nice young woman in her first real job, courteous, well-liked, always on time, and eager to do a good job. She had, unfortunately, been hired for a position that required more than her talents and experience enabled her to deliver. This is also true of you, with the exception of being courteous, likable, and punctual. If I could, I would fire you twice.

Well, it was a foolish hire.

[Update a while later]

UNINSTALLING OBAMA…..……………. █████████████▒▒▒ 90% complete.

A Deadly Outbreak Of Scrutiny

And the president’s team can’t contain it:

While Smith and others work around the clock to quarantine the virus, Axlerod and his team remain deep beneath the White House in a specially constructed containment laboratory, racing to find a cure before it has a chance to wipe out Washington as we know it. Although all their experiments have thus far proven unsuccessful, Axlerod refuses to concede.

“If I’ve learned anything in this job, it’s that hope is a strategy,” he said, wiping flopsweat from his combover.

“For instance, maybe Joe Biden will find a cure Wednesday night,” he added.

Hope springs eternal.

Campaigns Continue to Downplay Expectations Ahead Of Debate

Both the Obama and Romney campaigns are trying to tamp down any thought that their candidate will prevail in tonight’s first debate. There was a discussion this morning on MSCNN.

“It’s been months since Romney debated in the primaries,” said a Romney adviser. “He’s gotten pretty rusty. I wouldn’t expect him to do very well the first time out.”

An Obama staffer scoffed. “Months?! It’s been four years since the last time the president debated. You can’t just jump right back in to it and expect to do well against someone who so thoroughly thrashed his opponents just a few months ago.”

“But it’s not just about how recent the experience is,” the Romney staffer protested. “Obama’s just a much better, more engaging speaker, period. Mitt will come off as wooden and robotic, like he always does.”

“Are you kidding me? Obama’s not going to have a teleprompter! Don’t you realize what a potential disaster that could be? When he’s off teleprompter, he can be almost Bidenesque in his potential for election-losing gaffes. I mean, ‘57 states‘? One of which is apparently Eau Claire? And he thinks that Europe is a country? Or that there’s an Austrian language? And how about the bomb that fell on Pearl Harbor? Or how he expects to be president for eight to ten years? Then there was the time his uncle, who was apparently in the Soviet Army, liberated Auschwitz.”

“Gaffes? You think your guy does gaffes?! My guy says he can’t get the vote of veterans and people on social security. He doesn’t like trees that are too high or too short. Or can’t figure out why it might be a bad idea to have windows that open in an airliner? Or calls himself unemployed? Or who thinks that middle income is ‘two hundred to two hundred fifty thousand or less’? Or makes ten-thousand dollar bets? And he ‘wears as little as possible’ to bed? Or who wishes he was a Latino? Don’t talk to me about gaffes. When it comes to gaffes, Mitt is gaffetastic, he’s the champ. Well, all right, as long as Joe Biden’s not in the room. I mean, I have to follow him around with my hand poised over his mouth, just in case.”

“Well, OK, your guy may make gaffe or two, but mine can barely speak English. With all that time he spent in Hawaii, and Indonesia, and Chicago, and being born in Kenya, it’s like it’s a second language to him. Or maybe a third. I mean, “Navy Corpse men“? It’s like he sees dead people. And how about Pockeykeestahn versus Afghanistan? Or his problems with Albany or Rensselaer?

“You think that Obama has problems with English? Between his Mexican grandparents, and the time he spent missionarying in France, Mitt can barely string two comprehensible English sentences together. His French is better than his English, and the French watch video of him trying to speak French for weekend entertainment. They think he’s funnier than Jerry Lewis, even if he’s not trying to be. Half the debate audience isn’t even going to be able to figure out what the hell he’s talking about.”

“English, shmenglish. My candidate has a frickin’ speech impediment. If there’s a drinking game for his stammering, and ‘ummmm’s and ‘aaaaahhhh’s, the television audience will be dead from alcohol poisoning before the debate’s half over.”

“You think that’s bad? My candidate has a temper. You never know when he could just lose it on the stage, and cut loose with a ‘Gosh darn it.’ It would totally cost him the hipster vote.”

Your candidate has a temper? Your candidate has thin skin?! Didn’t you see that contemptuous look on his face when Ryan was schooling him during the health-care debate? If looks could kill, Ryan would have been a pile of smoldering ashes. If Mitt really gets to him, he might just pull out a gun and shoot him right on the stage. Sure, it would probably get him more votes, but it would be just one more blatant homicide, however justified, for the media to have to help us cover up.”

The Romney guy sighed. “Look, say what you want, but I’ll just be happy if Mitt can do better than stand there drooling for an hour and a half. That will be a good night for us.”

Media Criticism

Man, The Onion is just brutal:

“What exactly is the news hook here?” asked Rick Kaplan, executive producer of the CBS Evening News. “Is this an upbeat human-interest story about a ‘day in the life’ of a bloodthirsty president who likes to kill people? Or is it more of an examination of how Obama’s unusual upbringing in Hawaii helped to shape the way he would one day viciously butcher two helpless citizens in their own home?”

“Or maybe the story is just that murder is cool now,” Kaplan continued. “I don’t know. There are a million different angles on this one.”

So far, the president’s double-homicide has not been covered by any major news outlets. The only two mentions of the heinous tragedy have been a 100-word blurb on the Associated Press wire and an obituary on page E7 of this week’s edition of the Lake County Examiner.

While Obama has expressed no remorse for the grisly murders—point-blank shootings with an unregistered .38-caliber revolver—many journalists said it would be irresponsible for the press to sensationalize the story.

“There’s been some debate around the office about whether we should report on this at all,” Washington Post senior reporter Bill Tracy said while on assignment at a local dog show. “It’s enough of a tragedy without the press jumping in and pointing fingers or, worse, exploiting the violence. Plus, we need to be sensitive to the victims’ families at this time. Their loved ones were brutally, brutally murdered, after all.”

This is the kind of length you have to go to in order to satirize these people now.

Political Particle Physics

Iowahawk reports on a new pseudoscientific breakthough:

The landmark experiment in Quantum Rhetoric began early this week after legal particle cosmologist John Roberts published a paper in the Quarterly Journal of Tortured Logic that solved the long-debated Pelosi’s Paradox in Universal Health Care Theory.

“Pelosi’s Paradox states that in order to find out what is in a health care bill, it would have to be passed,” explained physicist Steven Hawking. “But in order to be a law it would have to be constitutional, which means someone would have to know what was in it, which would mean it couldn’t have been a bill in the first place. Think of Schroedinger’s Cat, except with a lobotomy.”

Actually, I don’t think that Nancy Pelosi has the requisite equipment for a lobotomy.

President Roosevelt Takes Credit For Terrorist Assassination

April 19th, 1944

WASHINGTON (Routers) President Roosevelt celebrated the first anniversary of the death of Isoroku Yamamoto with a national radio address on Tuesday, declaring the war essentially won as a result, despite the fact that Congress approved the extension of the Lend-Lease Act for another year today.

Yamamoto was the mastermind of the terrorist attack on Pearl Harbor, Hawai’i two-and-a-half years ago, that killed both civilian and military personnel. His air transport was supposedly shot down last April 18th by several “Allied” P-38 “Lightning” fighters after the Army received intelligence of his whereabouts on the island of Rabaul in the southern Pacific Ocean. Some are skeptical of his death, however, because the War Department has never released photos of the dead commander, despite rumors that they exist in Japanese hands.

Many view it as a controversial action, because the intelligence that allowed the Lightnings to surprise the aerial armada was obtained through the cracking of Japanese codes [Full disclosure: this news agency was the only one brave enough to report this]. However, the administration continues to defend such practices, and has expressed outrage at publication of the fact that they have done so, claiming that it would somehow compromise the war effort. Skeptics, however, have complained that such behavior is a violation of the rules of war. They say that the enemy deserves to be treated with respect and honesty, and that the nation loses its moral standing in the world with such tactics.

In his speech, the president also said that the terror leader would still be alive had someone else been in the White House at the time. Referring to Governor Thomas Dewey, the presumptive Republican nominee in the coming fall election, he said that “…the little man on the wedding cake wouldn’t have had the guts to order that mission, as I did. He won’t even debate on foreign policy.” Many say that the president has a point, given that Dewey only wants to discuss domestic policy and the possibility of communists in key posts in the Roosevelt administration.

Republicans, however, say that the president’s speech is unseemly and un-presidential. “Certainly the president deserves credit for the death of Yamamoto, but the notion that Governor Dewey wouldn’t have done the same thing is ludicrous,” said a campaign staffer. “He can’t possibly know that, and any president, even Woodrow “League of Nations” Wilson would have done so. This is nothing but politics in an election year where the president feels vulnerable.”

An unnamed senior official at the War Department followed up with the president’s speech, stating on background that, “…the ‘War on Aircraft Carriers’ is over.” He went on, “”Now that we have killed tens of thousands of Japanese troops with the president’s brutal island-hopping strategy, and destroyed their morale with the death of their leader, the Japanese people have come to see the potential for legitimate means of expression, people who once might have gone into the Japanese Imperial Forces now see an opportunity for a legitimate Shintoism.”

Administration critics scoff at the notion. “Yes, I suppose you could say ‘the War on Aircraft Carriers is over’ if you ignore the fact that the Japanese still have fifteen of them, and continue to commission new ones almost every month,” said one Republican Senate staffer. “We’re slowly taking back the Pacific, island by island, but it’s a long bloody mess ahead, and the Nazis still control the continent of Europe. If this is a war that’s ‘over,’ I’d hate to see one that was raging.”

The Secret Obama Campaign Strategy

Andrew Klavan has the scoop:

LISTER: Well, the debt is a very serious problem, but by the same token, I think you have to agree that Mitt Romney drove for twelve hours with his dog in a crate on top of his car.

KOC: What?

LISTER: He’s been cited for cruelty by two different animal rights groups.

KOC: Well, okay, but, in his book Dreams From My Father, President Obama says he actually ate a dog!

LISTER: I don’t think we should be talking about dogs at a serious moment like this. Dogs are just a distraction.

KOC: Fine, let’s get back to the economy. Entitlement programs like Social Security and Medicare are projected to consume all tax revenues within thirty years. Social Security could be operating at a deficit within only two years. Congressman Paul Ryan has put forward a serious and politically courageous plan to address entitlement reform. What will be the president’s approach?

LISTER: We’re on it. Even as we speak, we have hired an actor who looks like Congressman Ryan to pretend to push an old woman in a wheelchair off a cliff. I don’t see how the GOP can answer that, especially when you consider that Mitt Romney’s ancestors may have been bigamists.

KOC: Mitt Romney’s ancestors? Barack Obama’s father was a bigamist!

LISTER: I don’t think we should be talking about bigamy at a serious moment like this. Bigamy is just a distraction.

Actually, I’m not sure it’s that big a secret.