Category Archives: Satire

Acme To Take Over As SLS Prime Contractor

March 1st, 2021

WASHINGTON (Routers) In a move that most of the aerospace industry found shocking, the Biden administration today announced that the Boeing Corporation was to be removed from its role as Prime Contractor for the troubled Space Launch System (SLS) contract and replaced in that position by the Acme Corporation, a diversified manufacturing company based in the southwestern United States.  The move came as a shock, given that Acme has no aerospace experience per se, although it does have a vast catalog, including a Rocket Motor Division based in Albuquerque, NM, which makes small solid-rocket motors used in various Acme products, such as rocket-powered sleds and roller skates.

Acme will now assume the overall management of the program, although it is expected to rebadge a large percentage of Boeing technical employees, and will begin negotiations with Boeing for them to remain as subcontractors on substantial portions of the program.  

Anticipating critical comment, White House spokesmen pointed out that Acme had a long history of use of solid-fuel rockets for crewed applications, “without loss of human life or serious injury” despite some less-than-fatal mishaps.  Sen. Richard Shelby (R-Alabama) vigorously denounced the decision, pointing to Acme’s long history of damaging consumer litigation concerning injuries sustained by users of Acme’s rocket products. “Just Google the term ‘Acme v. Coyote‘ and you will see that the pleadings in the litigation over this company’s mistakes have become a classic of the legal profession.” 

An Acme spokesperson responded that there was only one such litigant on record, and he seemed to be a classic vexatious one.  “The litigant, Mr. Coyote, is well known as an endurance athlete who pushes the envelope and takes chances most runners would consider unacceptable. He has also been injured numerous times in instances in which no Acme product was involved. And despite what were undoubtedly uncomfortable incidents, we note that he has never suffered permanent disability as a result of any of them, and in fact continues to perform as a long-distance runner at a high level. In fact, despite his age, he continues to hold the title of second-fastest runner in the southwest United States.”

The spokesperson also added, “It should be noted that Acme’s products have never killed anybody. Unfortunately the same can’t be said for Boeing.”

[Post by James Bennett, so I don’t get the blame]