Category Archives: Humor

Humor, Media Criticism, Political Commentary, Satire

The Telephone Transcripts For “Fast And Furious”

Iowahawk has found them:

Now… now Juan… let’s just calm down here a minute. Just, okay.. okay… let me please explain, okay? See, the funny thing is, it turns out, a couple years back there was, well, this stimulus program money, and then there were these brainstorming sessions, where, well, there were some ideas what to do with it. So, anyhoo, one of the ideas that happened was, ‘hey, what if there were, say, 2000 machine guns that got sent to Mexican drug lords?’ and so forth.

Well no, of course we couldn’t tell you. It would have ruined the surprise.

Well, okay, I guess the gato is out of the ol’ bag-o. You know that drug cartel war problem you’ve been having? So, well, the idea was, hey, wouldn’t it be great if somehow we could put a trace on the machine guns, and then, surprise! It’d be a like a whole pinata full of drug lord information.

Mmhm.

Why? Well see, if we traced all the machine guns we gave to your drug lords, then we could all learn how your drug lords get their machine guns.

Well, Juan, yes, certainly, that’s one hypothesis. But I mean besides from us.

Tracers?

Oh, those tracers. See, the funny thing is – and this is such a hoot – someone forgot to buy batteries for them. You know how it is when you buy those Christmas presents, and it’s like “batteries not included,” and…

Now, Juan – Juan – now, just a minute here, you don’t have take that tone of voice. This isn’t all about you.

Well, come on now, Juan, imagine how terrible I feel about this whole situation! And not just me. Eric, and all the bureau heads, all down the line. Look, I didn’t want to spoil another surprise, but we were all planning to chip in and get you a comprehensive immigration reform package to help cheer you up.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, there amigo! Let’s not get carried away there with the blamestorming. Just because I feel bad about this, don’t go trying to pin this one on me!

Huh?

Well, frankly, I don’t know. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, can anybody say that anybody else is to blame? Even if that were possible, would it bring anybody back to life? Believe me, if I could build some magical time machine and go back to 2009 and say, ‘hey guys, let’s stop this thing,” I would. But both of us need to stop living in fantasy world.

Let’s not bicker and argue over ‘oo killed ‘oo.

Humor, Political Commentary

Maybe This Is Why She Wants To Suspend Elections

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Beverly Perdue is having some campaign finance oopsies:

While none of this implicates Perdue at this time, the investigation apparently is zeroing in on someone inside her campaign, which could prove quite damaging when she’s up for election next year, assuming we still have them at that time. To no surprise, other North Carolina Democrats could soon be lining up to face Perdue in a primary.

Meanwhile, pathetic defenses of her that she was just kidding around have been shown to be nonsense.

And Iowahawk has been unrelenting in the mockery:

#BevPerdueSurefireOneLiners “What this country needs is a huge mass grave for counterrevolutionaries. [chirp chirp] I mean, NOT!”

#BevPerdueSurefireOneLiners “Don’t you just want to torture my opponent with battery electrodes? No? Um, I was only joking. Ha ha! Ha.”

#BevPerdueSurefireOneLiners “What North Carolina needs is concentration camps. Who’s with me?”

#BevPerdueSurefireOneLiners “I once shot a dissident in my pajamas. What he was doing in my pajamas, I’ll never know.”

To which I add: #BevPerdueSurefireOneLiners “Hey, those eggs we need for the omelettes aren’t going to break themselves.”