Category Archives: Satire

Humor, Political Commentary, Satire

“It’s A Wonderful Bill”

5 Comments

As an early Christmas gift to his readers, Iowahawk revives a holiday classic. Here’s the trailer:

GEORGE BAILEY
Well, now now now, Clem, sure a few kids drowned. But look at all the jobs it created down at the Potter Retractable Basketball Floor factory. And that’s my point. Now, see, down in Washington there’s a whole Senate full of regular guys like you and you, and me, and we represent thousands of places just like Bedford Falls. And all of those places want their own jobs and healthcare and retractable basketball courts. And it turns out all of this costs money, so we have to get, well, revenues…

WOMAN #3
You mean taxes?

GEORGE BAILEY
Well, yeah, Helen, if that’s how you want to put it. See, we put all those revenues in a, a, a, big pile there in Washington, and then we start making deals and such, to make sure we can all bring some home. Sometimes we run out, and have to make up for it with other fees…

MAN #2
You mean taxes? Why don’t you get it from Old Man Potter?

WOMAN #2
Yeah! Get it from Potter!

GEORGE BAILEY
Now, now, I hate old man Potter just as much as the rest of you. Maybe more. He lives in that cold old mansion up there on Beacon Hill, while you’re getting laid off and trying to make ends meet. It just isn’t right, and that’s why I organized the big ACORN march against him last year. But I’m telling you, even if we confiscated every penny he has, we couldn’t pay for your free universal health care. That’s why we have to charge you for some of it, and make sure you don’t use too much. But don’t worry, I sent my top trade representative Uncle Billy over to China to get a payday loan for the rest.

WOMAN #5
But won’t we have to pay them back?

GEORGE BAILEY
Well, Marge, yeah, technically, but only until you’re all dead. After that it’ll just be your kids.

MAN #4
Stop your malarkey, Bailey! Keep your ridiculous health care bill. We want our money back!

Potterville is looking better and better.

Humor, Media Criticism, Political Commentary, Satire, Science And Society

A Few Good Scientists

2 Comments

Temporary scientist Frank J. says that we can’t handle the truth:

Son, we live in a world that has walls. And those walls have to have scientific equipment on them to gather data, and that data studied by men with computers. Who’s going to do it? A layman like you? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for the global warming skeptics and curse the climatologists. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know — that the crushing of data contrary to global warming, while tragic, probably saved grant money. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to the layman, creates scientific consensus. You don’t want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don’t talk about on Twitter, you want me on that wall. You need me on that wall studying those measurements you can’t even begin to comprehend.

I’m ashamed to have questioned such noble and selfless people.

Humor, Mathematics, Media Criticism, Political Commentary, Satire, Science And Society

It’s Really Quite Simple

9 Comments

I think I’ve found the pseudocode for Mann’s temperature charts:

input hockey_stick array
input year_data array
For each year (1000 - 2009) {
   while (year_data_of_year less than hockey_stick_of_year) {
      if (year_data_of_year less than hockey_stick_of_year) {
         year_data_of_year += 0.1 degrees
         }
      }
   plot year_data_of_year
   }

See, nothing to it. Poor Harry wouldn’t have had so much frustration if he’d just stuck with the script.

Media Criticism, Political Commentary, Satire

Fort Hood Media Roundup

1 Comment

…from Iowahawk, natch:

Investigation: Ft. Hood Killer Had Access to Fox, Talk Radio, Right-Wing Blogs

Receipts show killer’s apartment had cable

‘03 Nissan registered to Hassan had AM radio

Napolitano: “I told you so”

Sources: Despite 17 citations as Countdown’s ‘Worst Person In The World,’ FBI failed to detain Limbaugh

Defiant Palin rejects calls to apologize

The guy was probably a secret Christianist. After all, no Muslim would do such a thing — it’s a Religion of Peace™.

Humor, Political Commentary, Satire, War Commentary, Weird

Our Ursine Allies

7 Comments

But the president is spurning them, natch:

Barack Obama has announced that he is withdrawing from all existing treaties and security arrangements with the ursine community. Explaining his sharp break with the Bush administration’s policy of supporting overseas bear operations, president Obama said “bears are still our valued allies, but we can no longer pursue the arrogant policy of unilaterally supporting one member of the animal kingdom over another.”

He added, “Of course I believe in bear-exceptionalism, just as I believe in badger exceptionalism and tree sloth exceptionalism. But the days of a pecking order in the animal kingdom, with top of the food-chain predators and disrespected bottom-of-the-food-chain prey, are over.”

Some animals are more equal than others.

Humor, Political Commentary, Satire

Some Advice For Obama

2 Comments

…from the previous most powerful writer in history:

No doubt the brother would rather lay down the slapahoe against his domestic haters, but even then he’s just a punkass Roman wannabe. Take this Fox News / radio orators thing. Plebeian bitches serve him some straightup insolent haterade, and what does Obamacus do? Sends out his Praetorian guards to whine like pu**ies and rattle their fasces. Yo Obamacus, Rome up your s**t! If you knew the first thing about handlin’ your s**t SPQR-style, you’d be turning Capitol Hill into Crucifixion Hill. Glennus Beckus? Boom! Up on the cross, bitch. Rushus Limbavus? Boom! You been served. Shit, send the survivors a bill for the nails. Believe the Juice, if you want to consolidate power and keep it real with your base, start lining that Washington Mall with Fox talking heads. Up on pikes.

Same thing with these tea party douchebags. Back in the BC, a mack dictator like the Juice didn’t put up with that open rebellion s**t. Come on player, get your game on! Confiscate that damn football stadium you got sitting over across the Potomac, and get yourself a couple bargeloads of pit lions from the Ethiopians. Let’s see how those teabaggers enjoy being the halftime entertainment at the Redskins-Giants game. LMAO bitches, thumbs down. And believe me, nothing boosts an imperator’s public approval rating like turning the opposition into lion snausages. Your loyal plebes will love it, and after the games you can hand out free bread. And healthcare.

They just don’t make dictators like they used to.

Humor, Media Criticism, Political Commentary, Satire

It’s A Quagmire

7 Comments

The White House is bogged down in its war with Fox News:

…while the President drapes his unpopular policies with concern for the well-being of American journalism, more and more editors, reporters, and even unionized janitorial staff are beginning to oppose their commander-in-chief for trying to “win” an unwinnable war with their hands, instead of just using executive powers to ban all dissenting speech.

“I’ve been in the media for a long time, I signed up because I hate this right-wing, knuckle-dragging, imperialist system, and I would gladly sacrifice any number of my fellow Americans to advance my agenda – but this is a dumb war and a rash war,” Keith Olbermann of MSNBC told The People’s Cube outside a congressional office he visited to demand a government crackdown on dissidents. “Why must we in the field put our reputations on the line when this Congress has the power to simply confiscate Rupert Murdoch’s assets and put Beck, Hannity, and Coulter in jail?”

They seem to be losing the battle for the hearts and minds. Of course, in Olbermann’s case, there’s nothing to be won there in the latter case.

I particularly like this: “The dangerous prospect of an informed voter loomed large in the Obama administration’s plans of a pre-emptive strike.”