71 BC*

ROME (Routers) Diligent investigative reporters were shocked to learn today that many, indeed most of the captured slaves in yesterday’s battle in Lucania who proclaimed “I am Spartacus” were actually misleading military authorities, and not the famous rebel leader at all.

One of the investigators, Probius Ani, lead chiseler at the Tempora Romae, shared the details. “We looked into their backgrounds, and while they were all slaves at one time or another, few of them had formal gladiator training, nor did they universally use the Thracian style of combat for which he was well known.”

After the defeat, when authorities demanded to know which of the defeated was the leader, at first one of them jumped up and declared himself Spartacus**. But the situation quickly grew confused as another, and then another, and then dozens and hundreds of the defeated curs shouted out the same claim. Legitimate demands of proof of identity, gladiators’ licenses, and tax and divorce records from them were met with a sullen resistance, making it impossible to tell which to properly punish.

“These slaves have no credibility,” noted a proconsul on the scene. “Why should we grant any respect to a campaign based on false pretenses? Why should we not just spread their wealth around, and crucify them all?”

Given their duplicity against the news media and other legitimate authorities, it is increasingly difficult to argue otherwise.

[Hat tip to Mark Hemingway]

*Yes, before you comment to correct me, I know they didn’t really have datelines dated BC)
**Yes, before you comment to correct me, I know it was only a movie.

Winning over the undecideds:

Think about it. With Barack Obama in office, assholes like us will fade into a distant unpleasant memory. Don’t get us wrong, we’ll still be hanging around, probably as junior staffers in some federal arts agency. But you have our word on it — we’ll be practically invisible. No more C-word t shirts, no more intersection blockades, no more vandalism until the next election cycle. Nosirree, we’ll be timid and well-behaved and quiet as church mice, working away on grant proposals. We think you will also be pleased to know that under Obama, negative news stories and the steady flow of shitty anti-American war movies will virtually disappear overnight.

We know what you’re thinking — “that sounds awesome, but what about the angry right wingers? Won’t they suddenly start storming congressional hearings and vandalizing military recruiting stations? Won’t they start producing Obama assassination fantasy plays at the local college?” Don’t worry, as members of the incoming Administration, we will identify any potential troublemakers and prosecute them to the full extent of President Obama’s new civility laws. And with the re-establishment of the Fairness Doctrine, you won’t have to worry about accidentally tuning into right wing hate radio.

I can’t wait.

Plus, true Grit.

…continues:

John McCain’s bid for the Oval Office suffered another stunning blow yesterday when the Arizona senator referred to Barack Obama, the 44th President of the United States, as “my opponent.” The campaign-shattering remark came during a vicious, Hitlerian speech before an audience of drooling right-wing drones in one of those states in the middle, possibly rectangular.

“I believe that we should do things one way,” McSame sneered, his shrunken, twisted body and hideous visage producing overwhelming revulsion in all sane people who beheld him. “But my opponent feels we should do things a different way.”

Yes, Treacher’s ahead of the curve. My hat is off to him, because these people continue to get ever harder to satirize.